So My Wife Died...

KDow · May 8, 2025

Two years ago today. I think every year since I turned 18, the years have gone by faster and faster.

The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.

It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?

The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.

They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.

It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.

I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.

I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.

Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.

Koushirou · May 8, 2025

I’ve always appreciated your posts here. I think they help give some hope and insight that when shitty things happen, it’s still possible to get through it and life can still go on if you can be strong.

Fogel · May 8, 2025

KDow said:
Two years ago today. I think every year since I turned 18, the years have gone by faster and faster.

The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.

It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?

The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.

They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.

It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.

I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.

I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.

Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.

I get choked up just reading your posts and I know that's not even a fraction of a percent of what you have or are going through. If it makes you feel better to type it all out then have at it man, we're here for you as much as we can be. Just know that being there for your kids is all you can do with the shitty hand that life dealt you and continuing to be there for them until they're off on their own is what she would have wanted.

Cad · May 8, 2025

KDow said:
The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.

I M Not Crying GIFs - Find & Share on GIPHY

You guys are being so tough in an impossible situation. Same as Fogel, you come and vent as much as you want and don't feel like nobody wants to hear your update. I think a lot of us just don't know what to say. I wish there was something I could say that would make it better, man. Hug your kids and love them and give them the best life you can and be the best man you can, thats the best way you can honor what she left in the world.

stupidmonkey · May 8, 2025

KDow said:
Two years ago today. I think every year since I turned 18, the years have gone by faster and faster.

The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.

It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?

The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.

They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.

It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.

I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.

I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.

Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.

You have to tell the doozies now. Let's see if you can top an

Onoes story or someone waiting and shitting outside your bushes. I believe in you!

On a serious note, thanks for sharing. Time truly flies so cherish what you had and what you still have. Don't waste your time with people like her brothers and give your kids the best dad they can possibly have. Glad to see you still have your sense of humor as well.

BrutulTM · May 9, 2025

Don't apologize for this. This stuff is the best thing in the board. A welcome respite from the thousands of posts from the many blowhards saying the same thing about politics or video games over and over.

Metalhead · May 9, 2025

KDow said:
Two years ago today. I think every year since I turned 18, the years have gone by faster and faster.

The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.

It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?

The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.

They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.

It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.

I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.

I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.

Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.

Man you can't say you have doozies and not share them. It's against the law.

Breakdown · May 9, 2025

KDow said:
Two years ago today. I think every year since I turned 18, the years have gone by faster and faster.

The kids are good. I'm good. There are times when it is nearly unbearably shitty. Like when one of them does some milestone level thing and she isn't there, or when they're both sick and I'm sick and she isn't there for that either.

It's shocking to look back at all the pictures (for a long time I couldn't), seeing that my daughters hair hadn't even really fully grown in yet, and that Tori's had already fallen out. My daughter was 2 and my son was 4! And it isn't like now they're in college obviously, but its so jarring to think about now. How did I survive?

The kids still go out on our deck every night, rain or shine, and say goodnight to her and that they love her and miss her. They still play the awful acoustic version of time after time on repeat all night with Cindy Lauper and Sarah Mclachlan because my wife would sing a version of that to them when she'd tuck them in.

They are joyful, well adjusted kids. Which makes me incredibly happy because while I know that as they grow up the loss of their mom will hit them more, they aren't weighted down or shackled by grief and loss. They talk about it openly "Nope, that's not my mom, that's the babysitter. My mom died." and then they keep right on trucking.

It also makes it hard for me, because I really do grieve alone. I know a lot of friends and family miss her, and they do grieve her, but not in the same way. How could they? I think the only folks that would feel close to the same way are her parents, but they're both gone too.

I have not talked to her brothers since they sold her parents house and ignored her dying request to them about testing for carcinogens at the site. Fuck em.

I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.

Not really sure why I felt the need to provide an update that no one is looking for, but here we are. Also, there's something funny about necro'ing a thread about a person who died.

Never saw this thread till today, damn, reading through it, really puts some of my own issues into perspective. Hats off to ya, im not ashamed to say you are a better man than I, no way I could handle this.

The thought of dating after a divorce is too much for me, I just have accepted that if my wife or I decide to move on, I just spend the rest of my life alone. Aint got time to learn a new birds quirks, let alone finding a decent one in the basket of crazy that is "the apps"

Gotta imagine some of the doozies tie into the current trend of everything dating being about Poly open pegging an shit. World is wild.

Izo · May 10, 2025

KDow said:
I've dated a bunch. It's OK. The apps are lame, every woman seems to be damaged in some not insignificant way, but those stories don't belong here and I don't want to clog up the dating thread with my nonsense. Although thinking about it, I do have a couple of doozies.

Metalhead said:
Man you can't say you have doozies and not share them. It's against the law.

K KDow take the road to ...

The FOH naughty bits and tits thread

I'm over there as Herv again. Just tell me where to post my wife's tits... @Herv Right here, mate.

www.firesofheaven.org

... and your journey will be complete
And for real, thanks for sharing here. You're good man.

Noodleface · May 11, 2025

I am really sorry to hear this. What really hit me like a ton of bricks was you talking about your kids still saying goodnight to her outside. Stay strong brother.

KDow · May 12, 2025

Breakdown said:
The thought of dating after a divorce is too much for me, I just have accepted that if my wife or I decide to move on, I just spend the rest of my life alone. Aint got time to learn a new birds quirks, let alone finding a decent one in the basket of crazy that is "the apps"

It's funny you mention this as it came up recently for me. I really felt the same way, but then I was home a whole lot by myself. It's winter here forever which does a number on you, and I work from home anyway. I have some friends from around here, but most of my friends from college and high-school are in MA, 3 hours south.

The solitude of just being with my kids or by myself 90% of the time started to put me in a bad place. My female friend (who was going through a divorce) came up for the weekend, and we got shitfaced and she signed me up for pretty much every app that exists. I only wound up sticking with two.

For me, it wasn't about finding a relationship and certainly wasn't about getting laid. At first, I just needed to get the fuck out of the house. Share a glass of wine with a woman I don't know anything about, and she doesn't know about me either. Just the opportunity to have a conversation and feel human again.

From the time we met, my wife pretty much bought all my clothes (I was pretty hopeless in 2006 - so this makes a lot of sense). She'd also cut my hair (and then my son's when he came along). So when the idea of going out again came around, I bought all new everything. It didn't feel right to me to go on dates wearing things that my wife had bought. So I changed everything. Even down to the socks. With her gone, I had to find a barber for my son and I. Another change. With my wife I rarely had facial hair. I have a beard now.

And in my life I think about how I am as a parent. I feel genuine feelings of disgust and anger at a person that doesn't exist. Not my wife, of course. Me. I think about how in another life, one where she never got cancer - I know there would be another version of me that'd complain about being tired, or doesn't like to take the kids on long day trips because it messes up their bedtime routine, or just thinks his life is hard. He probably wouldn't sign up to be the mystery reader in my daughter's preschool class. Or volunteer to chaperone fieldtrips any time they come up. Who doesn't stay until the bell rings at dropoff every morning and hear his son screech "Love you dad!" across the blacktop. He doesn't attend the all school assembly that happens every Friday as much as he can, where he has to preemptively take Aleve because sitting cross legged on the floor with a kid on each knee as his legs fall asleep and he destroys his old man back. He certainly wouldn't keep the kids up late on a school night to shoot roman candles off the deck for mothers day and accidentally have the embers burn the decking (Whoops). I think of all the things he's missing, and he doesn't even realize it. He thinks he has it tough, and he has no idea. I was a good husband, and I would have been a pretty good dad in that other universe. But as hard as it is to admit, because it hurts to say. I know I'm a better dad than I would have been had my wife not passed. So I think about that other me, and I do my best not to be like him in those ways.

To get back to what you were saying, recently, a friend texted and asked if I thought I had one wife. A roundabout way of asking if I thought I could every get married again. I didn't respond right away, and thought about it for a couple of days. Maybe it's obvious to everyone, or it's something that's common knowledge, but it wasn't to me. It really wasn't. I thought about how I don't wear the same clothes I did before, I don't look the same as I did before. In some ways I act differently than I did before, or make different decisions than I would have. I'm a different parent than I would have been.

My response to them was: "If you asked me 2 years ago, I'd have said never. But I died when she did. I'm someone else now".

The me that existed before she died isn't here anymore. I don't know if I'll ever marry again. I haven't sworn it off. I don't need to be with someone to feel whole, but experiencing life with someone as you go along is pretty nice. If I meet the right woman, great. If I don't, that will have to be OK too.

RobXIII · May 12, 2025

How the fuck did I miss this thread? Reading this has really helped me. I'm not going to threadjack so I'll just say my wifey died in a car crash last August and left me alone with the kiddos. I'm a silver lining kind of guy, so I'll admit that kind of like ripping off a band aid quick, having it happen so sudden seems way easier to deal with than cancer. I would not easily be able to read those pre-made letters to my kids if she wrote one, I'd be a mess. You've been handling this like a trooper!

I've also noticed the same thing with the dating apps. I spend hours chatting with people online only to see them have something fundamentally broken inside. I haven't spend this much time chatting online only to go nowhere than trying to give tech support to my ancient parents

I know you are further along this journey than I am, but I'll just post what I did to help me. I joined a few local Facebook widow groups, and a national widow dating one that gets kind of spicy on the weekends for some harmless fun. I also joined a running club and drone pilots club. The running around helped with insomnia.

I'm going to visit one of the wife's friends in a close city this weekend, if it goes well I'll man up and ask her out, unless I google the meds in her bathroom and it scares me off /cackle

Good luck man, PM me if you need anything at all!

KDow · May 12, 2025

RobXIII said:
How the fuck did I miss this thread? Reading this has really helped me. I'm not going to threadjack so I'll just say my wifey died in a car crash last August and left me alone with the kiddos. I'm a silver lining kind of guy, so I'll admit that kind of like ripping off a band aid quick, having it happen so sudden seems way easier to deal with than cancer. I would not easily be able to read those pre-made letters to my kids if she wrote one, I'd be a mess. You've been handling this like a trooper!

I've also noticed the same thing with the dating apps. I spend hours chatting with people online only to see them have something fundamentally broken inside. I haven't spend this much time chatting online only to go nowhere than trying to give tech support to my ancient parents

I know you are further along this journey than I am, but I'll just post what I did to help me. I joined a few local Facebook widow groups, and a national widow dating one that gets kind of spicy on the weekends for some harmless fun. I also joined a running club and drone pilots club. The running around helped with insomnia.

I'm going to visit one of the wife's friends in a close city this weekend, if it goes well I'll man up and ask her out, unless I google the meds in her bathroom and it scares me off /cackle

Good luck man, PM me if you need anything at all!

You aren't threadjacking - jump in and say whatever is on your mind. I'm sorry you're going through it. How old are your kids?

It's interesting the different perspective people have (sudden vs prolonged), I looked at it like a benefit, I had some time to prepare mentally, and she had time to get her stuff in order.

And the next letter for my son's birthday is in about 6 weeks. Next month I'll start practicing and make sure the gift she bought him is wrapped and all that. Selfishly I look forward to the day when they can read them on their own.

And right back at you, if you need anything feel free to message me as well.

Phazael · May 13, 2025

Thats the problem. Everyone is fundementally broken these days, even ourselves. You just need to be patient and wait until you find someone who's damage lines up nicely with your own. But its worth it to keep trying and I bet the kids are happy for you taking some at bats.

BrutulTM · May 13, 2025

Yeah, don't make zero baggage your goal, that person doesn't exist and if they did, they probably wouldn't want to deal with you. You just have to find someone whose bullshit you can put up with and they can put up with yours.

Vuuxo · May 20, 2025

Damn, completely missed this thread.

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Same with others in this thread that loss someone. It's not easy. I don't have any inspirational speech or anything but my DM's are always open if you need to talk, vent, whatever that looks like. Doesn't matter who.

RobXIII · May 22, 2025

KDow said:
You aren't threadjacking - jump in and say whatever is on your mind. I'm sorry you're going through it. How old are your kids?

It's interesting the different perspective people have (sudden vs prolonged), I looked at it like a benefit, I had some time to prepare mentally, and she had time to get her stuff in order.

And the next letter for my son's birthday is in about 6 weeks. Next month I'll start practicing and make sure the gift she bought him is wrapped and all that. Selfishly I look forward to the day when they can read them on their own.

And right back at you, if you need anything feel free to message me as well.

I did DM you by the way

fris · May 22, 2025

BrutulTM said:
Yeah, don't make zero baggage your goal, that person doesn't exist and if they did, they probably wouldn't want to deal with you. You just have to find someone whose bullshit you can put up with and they can put up with yours.

So much this. After my divorce, and dated someone for 2 years until she died from cancer. It's weird, the relationship doesn't feel over. Like, every break up you have some catalyst to move on. But death, it's like a dish you can still taste, but you've started eating another meal now. Maybe a bad analogy. Just closure you never get.

Dating is just a chore that I rarely have the patience for. When I finally do, you hope the people you give time so aren't so broken and willing to put up with your issues as none of us are perfect. So many at this age have a mold they want you to fit into.

KDow · Thursday at 11:02 AM

My son's 7th birthday is in a couple of weeks and today I decided I'd procrastinated enough.

It was time to start practicing his letter from mom and getting his gift in order.

I really don't want these letters from her to be any more sad than they already are because of me. I read it aloud twice and it went OK. I plan on practicing at least once a day from here on out.

It's a good thing I took a look because this is one of the years we don't already have the gift in hand.

As I'm typing this, I've decided just to post this here. I think it's OK for you all to see. You are the only ones outside of my son and I that will.

My wife was one strong woman.

Izo · Thursday at 1:36 PM

Onions. Damn.

So My Wife Died...

Blackwing Lair Raider

Log Wizard

Mr. Poopybutthole

scientia potentia est

Not Smrt

Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.

Vyemm Raider

Gunnar Durden

Tranny Chaser

A Mod Real Quick

Blackwing Lair Raider

Urinal Cake Consumption King

Blackwing Lair Raider

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard

Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.

Scaphism

Urinal Cake Consumption King

Vyemm Raider

Blackwing Lair Raider

Tranny Chaser