Terrible Jokes Thread

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Borzak

Bronze Baron of the Realm
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Gave away all my dead batteries today.



Free of charge.
 
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BoozeCube

Von Clippowicz
<Prior Amod>
47,445
278,451
MFTKpXx.png
 
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Echuta

Golden Knight of the Realm
291
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4 catholic school girls are driving to the beach when they get into a horrific car accident and die. Their souls go up to heaven where they meet St Peter standing in front of the closed gates of heaven. Beside him is a pool of holy water.

He says, "before I can let you into heaven you must confess your sins."

The first girl states, "forgive me St. Peter but when I was on earth I cast my eyes upon the naked male form in a magazine." He instructs her to wash her eyes in the pool of holy water and she may enter heaven. She does and sure enough the gates open.

The second girl states, "forgive me but when I was on earth I caressed a mans penis with my hands." He instructs her to wash her hands in the pool of holy water so she may enter heaven. She does so and enters.

The third girl begins, "forgive me St. Peter..." And then is interrupted by the 4th girl standing behind her who states, "excuse me, St Peter? I'm sorry, but can I go ahead of her because there is no way I'm going to drink that pool of holy water after she sticks her ass in it!"
 
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Rezz

Mr. Poopybutthole
4,486
3,531
I heard that as a busload of nuns going off a cliff. Classics.

I'd link that "Better Nate than Lever" joke but it's a combination of too much effort and TL;DR fodder.

I'm not sure why I know jokes that apparently involve Texans, but I do.

Three guys are on a trek through the jungles of Africa, when they accidentally trespass into the hunting grounds of a mostly feral tribe. The three guys are put into a pen and eventually one of the tribesmen comes up and in broken English tells the men that they are not going to get out of the tribal grounds alive. They can either kill themselves and earn the respect of the tribe, where their skin will be stretched over the tribe's canoes to help keep them afloat, or they will be killed by the warriors and they will have their skulls used as toliets. If they choose the brave way of killing themselves, they can choose the weapon with which they are killed and shall be honored as warriors by the tribe.

The first guy was a lawyer back in the States, and he opts to kill himself. When given a choice, he chooses a dagger and proceeds to stab himself under his left arm and into his heart. Relatively painless, he dies quickly and is skinned and the other two guys are left for a couple of days while the skin dries out.

The second guy was a firefighter back in the States, and he also opts to kill himself. When given the choice, he chooses a very thin spear, and then jabs it through his eyeball into his brain, leaving his skin basically untouched. The tribe skins him and a couple of days pass by while the third guy sits in the pen.

The third guy was a bartender from Texas, and he also opts to kill himself. When given the choice, he quickly states "Give me a fork." The tribesman who speaks some English looks at him questioningly but produces a fork. The Texan picks up the fork and yells "Screw your canoe!" and stabs the shit out of himself.
 
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Borzak

Bronze Baron of the Realm
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31,635
What's the difference between a snickers bar and a baby?

About 500 calories.
 
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kazjim

Blackwing Lair Raider
295
1,213
I went to the bookshop & asked the woman for a book about turtles.

She asked "hardback?" and I was like "yeah, and little heads"
 
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Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
15,796
99,179
What does a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?

They both change your ring tone
 
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TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
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25,790
One night a little girl awoke and she decided to go into her mum and dads room, but no one was there, so she made her way to the garage, and heard something very peculiar coming from the steamed car...

The next morning, the little girl awoke, went down stairs, and whilst eating her breakfast, asked her mother, what where you and dad doing last night mummy in the garage?

The mother paused and said, "We where baking cakes, my dear."

The next night, the girl awoke again, went into her mothers bedroom... and alas, no one was there. So she went to the bathroom, and noticed the light was on, and unusual sound was coming from the bathtub.

The next morning, the girl asked her mother again, What where you and daddy doing in the bathroom last night?
"Oh... you know... baking cakes again my dear."

Then, on the third night, the girl crept down the stair case, and heard unusual activity in the living room.

The next morning, the girl said, I know what you where doing last night mummy.

The mother asked curiously... ''What?

You where baking cakes...

How do you know that? The mother asked in shock.

The girl replied rubbing her tummy, I licked the icing off the sofa...
 
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TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
2,201
25,790
A husband and wife have seven sons. The oldest six are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God the bastard didn't ask about the other six."
 
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TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
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One day this guy comes to work at a sex toy shop. His boss leaves for the day and puts him in charge of the shop.

About an hour later a black haired lady comes in and asks "How much for your black dildos?"

The guy says "30 bucks"

"And how much for your white dildos?" asks the lady.

Again the man says "30 bucks for the black and 30 bucks for the white"

So she takes the black one and leaves.

A while later a brunette comes in to the store and asks

"How much for your white dildos?"

The man responds "30 bucks"

She asks "And how much for your black dildos?"

"30 bucks for the white and 30 bucks for the black" replies the man.

So she takes the white one leaves.

About an hour later a blonde walks through the door and asks

"How much are your dildos?"

The guys says "All our dildos are 30 bucks"

Then she looks up behind the man on a shelf and ask "How much for that green one?"

The man responds "Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250"

The blonde agrees and takes it. Later that day the boss come back and asks "So what did you sell today?"

The man says "I sold a black dildo, a white dildo , and a 2-liter of mountain dew for $250!"
 
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TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
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25,790
Joe career was hampered by incredible headaches. When the pain got out of control, he sought medical help.

He came across an old doctor.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was depressed. But, he realized that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

He realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years"

Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
 
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TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.
'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.'
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.
'Now you must do the same,' he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation.
For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'
 
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Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
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My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and has been crying for hours.

I said, "What are you so upset about? It's just hair. I'm the one that's got to find a new girlfriend."
 
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