Terrible Jokes Thread

Gnomedolf

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Yo mama so fat I swerved my car to avoid hitting her and ran out of gas.
 

Gnomedolf

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Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.

For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.

After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.

He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. "My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.

It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.

The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.

Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.

So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....

Rick rolled back into town screaming,

"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"
 

loudgas

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He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."
In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite.
The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end.
His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 

uncognito

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Why did the lobster refuse to share his poptarts?

.....He was being shellfish.

...... :(
 

loudgas

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A Mexican maid asked the rich husband for a pay increase… and he said Yes!

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the request.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase."

"The first reason, is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez, I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife: now increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason, is I am better at sex than you are in the bed." Wife: really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora.., the Gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much of a pay increase did you want?"
 

TJR

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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
"I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.
 

Evernothing

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I was just chatting with my neighbour's teenage daughter, and it turns out she is really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool, because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
 

zzeris

Vermin Supreme
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I don't know if this has been said but it always brings ummm conversation. Not appropriate for parties or social gatherings.


What's the best thing about having sex with 26 year olds?

There are 20 of them.

Edited- Hoss noted I left out the best part of joke. Thanks Hoss, much better now.
 
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Hoss

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You mean the best thing about "having sex" with 26 year olds, and it makes a great party joke. You shouldn't party with people who are so uptight. It is not a good first date ice breaker joke though. Even if the chick is 26. Save it until immediately after sex.
 

BrotherWu

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Luke-warm.
 

Gnomedolf

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Racism is so stupid. You shouldn’t treat someone differently just because they are from an inferior race.
 

Gnomedolf

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What’s it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get into a fist fight?

Alien vs Predator
 

Conefed

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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe.

How different would Total Recall be if instead of a stomach, Kuato was the dude's dick?
 

Hateyou

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Worst one I’ve ever known...

How do you make a six year old cry twice?

Rub your bloody dick on their teddy bear
 

Gnomedolf

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Trump should not have said “shithole countries.”

The correct term is “turd-world countries.”
 

ZyyzYzzy

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A black guy goes to heaven and meets God.

God says, "I'm going to give you your wings now".

The black man replies, "You are making me an angel?"

God turns to him and says, "Nah Wakandan, you a bat."
 

j00t

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Wat? I'm going to make that joke infinitely better...

A black man goes to heaven and meets God. God says, welcome, here's your wings! Black man says, do they come with watermelons?
 
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donomito

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I told my wife I wanted to get a pet crow. I told her I would name the crow Blacky. She told me I couldn't do that because it's racist. She said if I got it I should name him Jim instead.