Terrible Jokes Thread

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “that’ll be a dollar”
The guy thinks, “man, that’s cheap,” but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. “That’ll be 50 cents”. The guy can’t believe it. So he thinks ‘fuck it ’ and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch “. The bartender hands it to him and says “here. On the house”. Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy. He asks “ok. Where’s the owner” bartender replies “upstairs with my wife”. The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “same thing I’m doing to his business”…

A redneck wrestler has beaten every opponent he’s been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.
“Now, look, you’re faster and more agile than this guy. He’s big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him.”
“Got it, coach,” says the wrestler.
“One more thing,” says the coach. “He’s got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don’t let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it’s all over.”
“Got it, coach,” says the wrestler. “Stay out of the Pretzel Hold.”
The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch.
Suddenly, there’s a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory.
Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk.
“What happened out there?” asks the coach. “I mean, one second you’re in the hold, and next thing I know, you’ve won. How?”
“Well,” says the redneck, “I don’t know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit down.”
“Ah, so that’s how you beat him?” said the coach.
“Not exactly,” said the wrestler. “You’d be surprised how much strength you have when you’ve just bitten down on your own testicles.”

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
“You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non- medical advice?”
“Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! ”
“Are you religious? the doctor asks.
"Not at all,” says the patient.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!”
“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”

Everyone keeps telling me that I am the worst mailman they have ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for…
I can never get a straight answer.

If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.

I’m not sure what I’d do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.

Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”

Granny replies, “Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!”

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, “Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I’m all out of ideas at the moment, I’m kind of bored with the standard action flicks.”

Chuck says, “Guys, I’m bored of doing action movies too and I’ve got some ideas but you may not like them.”

Sylvester says, “Let us hear it.”

So Chuck continues, “All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers.”

That’s when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!”

“And who will you be, Arnold?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

PreacherX said:

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, “Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I’m all out of ideas at the moment, I’m kind of bored with the standard action flicks.”

Chuck says, “Guys, I’m bored of doing action movies too and I’ve got some ideas but you may not like them.”

Sylvester says, “Let us hear it.”

So Chuck continues, “All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers.”

That’s when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, “That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!”

“And who will you be, Arnold?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

Click to expand...

That was so stupid it was funny....

That is the point of this thread...

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the State Fair. Every year James told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. “Its only 50 dollars” he would say. Every year Lucille would say “50 dollars is fifty dollars” and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.

The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree.

The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn’t hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally, he lands the helicopter.

Over the headset he says “I’m really impressed. I did everything I could to get a reaction from you two.”

James says “well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”