Terrible Jokes Thread

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PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”
 
  • 2Worf
Reactions: 1 users

Fucker

Log Wizard
11,408
25,682
What do 1000 battered women have in common?

None of them listened.
 
  • 1SJW
Reactions: 1 user

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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21,892
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
 
  • 4Worf
  • 1Like
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PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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21,892
Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
 
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TBT-TheBigToe

Gemcutter
<Gold Donor>
9,589
27,422
Why did the girl fall of the swing?

She didn’t have any arms

————

How do you circumcise a whale?

Four skin divers.

————

(This is one you can tell your younger children)

Why were 6 and 10 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9. (Because seven ate nine)
 
  • 1Seriously?
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pharmakos

soʞɐɯɹɐɥd
<Bronze Donator>
16,306
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want to hear a dirty joke?

a boy fell in the mud

want to hear a clean joke?

he took a bath with Bubbles

want to hear another dirty joke?

Bubbles was his cousin
 
  • 1Harrow
Reactions: 1 user

TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
2,212
25,817
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, “Well Doc, I can’t swim!"
 
  • 1Like
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TJR

Avatar of War Slayer
2,212
25,817
During a visit to the mental asylum, Guy asked the Director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said Guy. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup.
'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. (Pause.)
... Guy, do you want a bed near the window?'
 

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
5,378
21,892
An old lady is knitting while driving. A police car soon pulls up behind her swerving vehicle.
“PULL OVER!” The officer bellows.
“No,” the lady hollers back, “it’s a scarf!”
 

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.

You say it in a British accent.
 
  • 2Like
Reactions: 1 users

TheNozz

Ssraeszha Raider
6,704
34,283
Why'd the guy give a name to his penis? He didn't want a stranger making most of his decisions!
 

Mudcrush Durtfeet

Hungry Ogre
2,428
-758
An ogre comes across you while you're wandering around in The Feerott.

He says, 'Me big ogre, me tell you da ogre joke!':

Der wuz dis hooman dat met ogre in da swamp and ogre tell him dis joke.
But hooman no laff.
SO OGRE EET HOOMAN!

...

The ogre looks at you expectantly.
 
  • 3Worf
  • 1Double Worf
Reactions: 3 users

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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21,892
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
 
  • 2Like
Reactions: 1 users

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
5,378
21,892
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail

but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
 
  • 2Like
  • 2Worf
Reactions: 3 users

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
5,378
21,892
Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.
The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”
The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There’s no noise.
The first guy says, “Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let’s throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.”
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait… Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey, over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it’s gotta make some noise.”
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, “Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?”
The first guy says, “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
 
  • 3Worf
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PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
5,378
21,892
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
 

PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
5,378
21,892
A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt, two gold front
teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the
local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking
advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just amazed and wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it."
 
  • 3Worf
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PreacherX

Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
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21,892
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
 
  • 2Like
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