Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
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Guy calls the cops, and says "help officer, there are burglars in my house".
The officer responds that noone is available, that the guy should sit tight in his basement and wait it out.
Guy hangs up.
4 minutes later the guy calls back "hello again officer, I shot the burglars, I think they all dead".
Few minutes later 3 police cruisers, an FBI van and a police helicopter are at his house, the burglars are caught red-handed, alive and well.
Officer: "I thought you said you shot them"
Guy: "I thought you said there was noone available"
The officer responds that noone is available, that the guy should sit tight in his basement and wait it out.
Guy hangs up.
4 minutes later the guy calls back "hello again officer, I shot the burglars, I think they all dead".
Few minutes later 3 police cruisers, an FBI van and a police helicopter are at his house, the burglars are caught red-handed, alive and well.
Officer: "I thought you said you shot them"
Guy: "I thought you said there was noone available"
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On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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I'm breaking in a new pair of boots. I realize this morning that they're only uncomfortable when I'm sitting. When I get up and walk around, I guess my foot shifts and takes the pressure off the top where it's tight. I tell my wife and she says.
I guess ...
Those boots were made for walking.
I guess ...
Those boots were made for walking.
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calhoonjugganaut
Trakanon Raider
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Telestin
Bronze Knight of the Realm
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My brother, who was very religious, used to love telling people this in casual conversations . . .
"You know, we are fortunate that they crucified Jesus instead of stoning him to death. Instead of doing this (he makes the sign of the cross) we would be doing this instead (starts punching himself in the face)."
"You know, we are fortunate that they crucified Jesus instead of stoning him to death. Instead of doing this (he makes the sign of the cross) we would be doing this instead (starts punching himself in the face)."
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loudgas
Golden Baronet of the Realm
- 3,784
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While walking down the street a senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem. Just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a golf course. In the distance a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hands and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly round of golf and then dine on lobster, maliputo, caviar, Cebu lechon and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, Cebu guitar and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.
"The senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So he goes back down to Hell.
The elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"The other day I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster, maliputo, and caviar, lechon, drank champagne and we danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?",
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted".
VOTE WISELY IN OCTOBER 2019.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem. Just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that he goes down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a golf course. In the distance a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hands and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly round of golf and then dine on lobster, maliputo, caviar, Cebu lechon and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy and who is having a good time and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, 24 hours passed with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, Cebu guitar and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.
"The senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So he goes back down to Hell.
The elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator.
"The other day I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster, maliputo, and caviar, lechon, drank champagne and we danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?",
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted".
VOTE WISELY IN OCTOBER 2019.
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PreacherX
Naxxramas 1.0 Raider
- 5,382
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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, “Man did you have a 69 before you came here?”
Kevin, shocked says, “Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?”
The dentist says, “No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!”
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, “Man did you have a 69 before you came here?”
Kevin, shocked says, “Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?”
The dentist says, “No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!”
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