Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
Oblio
Utah
- 11,275
- 24,072
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.
A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.
A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.
Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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Alasliasolonik
Toilet of the Mod Elect
- 4,908
- 9,890
How do you know that your girlfriend is getting fat...
She fits into your wifes clothing.
She fits into your wifes clothing.
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loudgas
Golden Baronet of the Realm
- 3,784
- 18,820
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Video Scam ... Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Video Scam ... Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
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A guy walks into a bar in downtown New York and notices an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman near him, sipping a cocktail.
Great hourglass figure, long, long legs, full breasts nearly bursting out of her top.
"Who's that knockout?", he asks the bartender.
Bartender says: "She's a very high class prostitute, but I've heard she's worth it."
The guy makes up his mind, swallows and approaches her.
"Look," he says "I just have to have a bit of you, how much for a handjob?"
The prostitute curves her perfect lips around the cherry in her cocktail and says: "500 dollars."
Taken aback, the guys sputters: "FIVE hundred?? That's a lot!"
She looks him up and down, crooks a finger at him and says: "Follow me."
He follows her and outside she shows him a beautiful high-end silver sportscar.
"There. I bought that with the money I earned for handjobs alone."
The guy capitulates, pays her the money and she gives him the handjob in the back of her car.
He stumbles out with weak knees, stars dancing in front of his watering eyes.
Never, never has a handjob been so good.
A few weeks later he seeks her our in the same bar, still full of his last memory he says:
"Okay, then, how much for a blowjob?"
"Two grand.", she replies huskily.
"Oh, come off it!!". he protests, "That's a joke, right?"
She crooks her finger at him, gets him to follow her into her sportscar and drives him to an exquisitely elegant high rise condominium, the most high tech apartment he's ever been in.
"That," she says, smoothing her beautiful hair, " I bought staight out with the money for my blowjobs. Ball's in your court, love."
He turns without a word, goes to a bank and gets out the cash.
Some time after, he drags himself away from the most agonizingly brilliant blowjob he's ever had, he's come several times, his cock is sore and painful, he can barely stand, let alone walk straight, but GOD!!!!
Never, never has a blowjob been that good.
The very next day, he goes to his bank, liquidates all his assets, takes out a second mortgage on his house and goes to the woman's apartment building.
She lets him in and he takes a deep breath: "Right. I don't care how much it costs, i will give you everything I have, I just have GOT to have your pussy."
She looks at him and takes his hand.
Leading him out onto her balcony, he sees the whole of sparkling Manhattan laid out before him.
"That," she says, "Would all be mine....IF I had a pussy."
Great hourglass figure, long, long legs, full breasts nearly bursting out of her top.
"Who's that knockout?", he asks the bartender.
Bartender says: "She's a very high class prostitute, but I've heard she's worth it."
The guy makes up his mind, swallows and approaches her.
"Look," he says "I just have to have a bit of you, how much for a handjob?"
The prostitute curves her perfect lips around the cherry in her cocktail and says: "500 dollars."
Taken aback, the guys sputters: "FIVE hundred?? That's a lot!"
She looks him up and down, crooks a finger at him and says: "Follow me."
He follows her and outside she shows him a beautiful high-end silver sportscar.
"There. I bought that with the money I earned for handjobs alone."
The guy capitulates, pays her the money and she gives him the handjob in the back of her car.
He stumbles out with weak knees, stars dancing in front of his watering eyes.
Never, never has a handjob been so good.
A few weeks later he seeks her our in the same bar, still full of his last memory he says:
"Okay, then, how much for a blowjob?"
"Two grand.", she replies huskily.
"Oh, come off it!!". he protests, "That's a joke, right?"
She crooks her finger at him, gets him to follow her into her sportscar and drives him to an exquisitely elegant high rise condominium, the most high tech apartment he's ever been in.
"That," she says, smoothing her beautiful hair, " I bought staight out with the money for my blowjobs. Ball's in your court, love."
He turns without a word, goes to a bank and gets out the cash.
Some time after, he drags himself away from the most agonizingly brilliant blowjob he's ever had, he's come several times, his cock is sore and painful, he can barely stand, let alone walk straight, but GOD!!!!
Never, never has a blowjob been that good.
The very next day, he goes to his bank, liquidates all his assets, takes out a second mortgage on his house and goes to the woman's apartment building.
She lets him in and he takes a deep breath: "Right. I don't care how much it costs, i will give you everything I have, I just have GOT to have your pussy."
She looks at him and takes his hand.
Leading him out onto her balcony, he sees the whole of sparkling Manhattan laid out before him.
"That," she says, "Would all be mine....IF I had a pussy."
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The Ladder Joke
One day, in Provo, Gregiry "Grigor" Foalsman fell into a deep hole that was right outside the cigar shop in the city square. He yelled as loud as he could but it was always busy up on the streets and no one heard him. After several days of this, however, people up above started to notice Grigor's shouts and that he had fallen down that deep hole. Everyone shouted down to him, "Grigor! Please, climb out of this hole! It's not good to be down there!"
It took almost a full two years for his legs, broken in numerous places from the initial fall, to heal and for him to get back to strength. And after three years, he has managed to to carve a series of toe- and hand-holds roughly a third of the way up the wall, about 100 feet. Every so often someone shouts down, as they threw down some food or some water, "Grigor! You need to get out of this hole!"
Grigor always responds, "I know!"
Finally, just last weekend, Grigor, exhausted, clawed the last few yards out of the hole. He was immediately surrounded with all those around, some of the youngest not even born yet when he first fell into the hole.
When asked what it finally felt like to get out of the hole, he replied, "Amazing. I always had faith to just keep going."
"But," he added, "I am hoping, going forward, that the Church reviews it's doctrine that ladder's do not exist."
One day, in Provo, Gregiry "Grigor" Foalsman fell into a deep hole that was right outside the cigar shop in the city square. He yelled as loud as he could but it was always busy up on the streets and no one heard him. After several days of this, however, people up above started to notice Grigor's shouts and that he had fallen down that deep hole. Everyone shouted down to him, "Grigor! Please, climb out of this hole! It's not good to be down there!"
It took almost a full two years for his legs, broken in numerous places from the initial fall, to heal and for him to get back to strength. And after three years, he has managed to to carve a series of toe- and hand-holds roughly a third of the way up the wall, about 100 feet. Every so often someone shouts down, as they threw down some food or some water, "Grigor! You need to get out of this hole!"
Grigor always responds, "I know!"
Finally, just last weekend, Grigor, exhausted, clawed the last few yards out of the hole. He was immediately surrounded with all those around, some of the youngest not even born yet when he first fell into the hole.
When asked what it finally felt like to get out of the hole, he replied, "Amazing. I always had faith to just keep going."
"But," he added, "I am hoping, going forward, that the Church reviews it's doctrine that ladder's do not exist."
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loudgas
Golden Baronet of the Realm
- 3,784
- 18,820
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke.
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
For some reason, wives tend to like this joke.
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TOOLS EXPLAINED
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
Son of a bitch TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
- 25,533
- 12,019
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.”
“You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.”
“You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.”
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The boredom of self isolation... Did you know that if you rest a naked testicle on the top of an open beer bottle and hold a naked flame under neath the bottle the testicle will be sucked into the bottle. If you do know this, do you know how to get it out???
asking for friend!!!
asking for friend!!!
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