Terrible Jokes Thread

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Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
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9d 23h 53m
B3A9237C-135F-4020-887C-940D39060A9D.jpeg
 

PreacherX

Golden Baronet of the Realm
4,161
15,714
34d 8h 31m
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he were two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.


“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”
 

loudgas

Silver Baronet of the Realm
2,901
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16d 17h 6m
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland ?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?



Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"



The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage,

why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland ?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware."
 

Gnomedolf

<Silver Donator>
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9d 23h 53m
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his that I didn't know.
When we got there, I stayed in the corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now...I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin!

For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life: That dead idiot had a twin brother.
 

loudgas

Silver Baronet of the Realm
2,901
13,078
16d 17h 6m
Donald Trump walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the
cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check
for me?”
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your
ID?”
Trump: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think
there was any need to. I am Donald Trump, the President of the United
States of America!!!!”
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations
and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and
requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Trump: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell
you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trump, but these are the bank rules and I
must follow them.”
Trump: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.”
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trump , here is an example of what we can do. One
day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger
Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank
into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his
check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his
tennis racket and made a fabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my
coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. Trump, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?”
Trump stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my
mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have
a clue.”
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trump.”