Terrible Jokes Thread

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

Early one morning a mother went to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I *should* go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?


1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





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Answers:
1. RANDOM


2. FORK


3. PANTS


4. PULSE


5. SIX


6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?





The good news is:

You do NOT have Alzheimer's.

You may be a pervert.

Did you know that pigeons die after having sex?
Well....
The one I fucked did!!!

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?



You can eat the pizza when it's pulled from the oven.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks Dr Fauci, *"How many people is a brazillion?"*

My goal for 2021 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza ... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

How to prepare Tofu:

a. Throw it in the trash

b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love approaching 90, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older … this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.


2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.


3. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.


4. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.


5. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.


6. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.


7. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me
a blank stare.


8. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh
no, not U2 again.”


9. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole
sentence.


10. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players
are really hard to find.


11. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I
won’t lie, it was a rocky road.


12. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar?
There, their, they’re.


13. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the
Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”


14. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up
his own incision? Suture self.


15. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried
grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.