Terrible Jokes Thread
- Thread starter Gravel
- Start date
I use the same(similar) line when someone calls me a pussy. lol
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'
Evernothing
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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I was getting a handjob from a blind girl, she said: "You have the biggest cock I've ever felt."
I said: "Your pulling my leg!"
I said: "Your pulling my leg!"
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What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still-Noeyedeer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals?
Still-No-Fucking-Eyedeer.
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher,"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Borzak
Bronze Baron of the Realm
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A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third-floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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A Piece of Christmas lore. (I thought I posted it last year, but I can't find it)
It was a rough year for Santa. The number of believers had been falling for the past 10 years. This caused all kinds of economic hardships and strife at the North Pole.
The elves had been on strike most of the year, and now on Christmas Eve, they were technically back to work but half were out with the 'candy cane flu'.
A large portion of the toys that had been made mysteriously disappeared and showed up on eBay.
In addition, 3 of the reindeer were out sick, and there was only 1 proven backup, so he had been spending all his time trying to train 2 more to fly.
Rudolph was nowhere to be found. He goes off like this every year sowing his wild oats, but this year everyone is worried he won't make it back in time. So Santa has had elves working on grafting a light to another reindeer's nose, but that's not going very well at all. After all, the elves are toymakers, and thieves. Not bioengineers.
And to top it all off, Mrs Clause wasn't putting out anymore. Santa suspected she was fooling around with one of the elves, or a reindeer, or probably both.
It was about this time, at Santa's darkest hour, when he was triple checking the naughty and nice list to cross off the latest crop of non-believers, that the sweetest little cherub you ever saw walked in dragging Santa's Christmas tree, and about 2 cubic feet of mud and snow. The angel said "HEY SANTA WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO STICK THIS TREE?"
And that, my friends, is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree.
It was a rough year for Santa. The number of believers had been falling for the past 10 years. This caused all kinds of economic hardships and strife at the North Pole.
The elves had been on strike most of the year, and now on Christmas Eve, they were technically back to work but half were out with the 'candy cane flu'.
A large portion of the toys that had been made mysteriously disappeared and showed up on eBay.
In addition, 3 of the reindeer were out sick, and there was only 1 proven backup, so he had been spending all his time trying to train 2 more to fly.
Rudolph was nowhere to be found. He goes off like this every year sowing his wild oats, but this year everyone is worried he won't make it back in time. So Santa has had elves working on grafting a light to another reindeer's nose, but that's not going very well at all. After all, the elves are toymakers, and thieves. Not bioengineers.
And to top it all off, Mrs Clause wasn't putting out anymore. Santa suspected she was fooling around with one of the elves, or a reindeer, or probably both.
It was about this time, at Santa's darkest hour, when he was triple checking the naughty and nice list to cross off the latest crop of non-believers, that the sweetest little cherub you ever saw walked in dragging Santa's Christmas tree, and about 2 cubic feet of mud and snow. The angel said "HEY SANTA WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO STICK THIS TREE?"
And that, my friends, is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree.
Mures
Blackwing Lair Raider
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This is a true story, and it makes for a good joke.
My mom is a pre-school director for 3 & 4 year olds. She has a little boy in her class that needed help going potty so she got him in the stall, unzipped his little pants, and said just holler when you are done while she went wait outside. While she was waiting a little girl comes out of the girls bathroom and a shocked expression comes over her face, so my mom immediately figures whats up, turns the corner, and sure enough the little boy is walking out with his pants down. The little girl proclaims loudly "He has a penis. My dad has a penis." My mom is relieved a little in that she dodged a bullet by the little girl knowing what it was, and she even knew the correct terminology. So my mom says, "yes sweetheart little boys and daddies have a penis." To which the little girl replied, "Its ok, my daddie's small too."
My mom is a pre-school director for 3 & 4 year olds. She has a little boy in her class that needed help going potty so she got him in the stall, unzipped his little pants, and said just holler when you are done while she went wait outside. While she was waiting a little girl comes out of the girls bathroom and a shocked expression comes over her face, so my mom immediately figures whats up, turns the corner, and sure enough the little boy is walking out with his pants down. The little girl proclaims loudly "He has a penis. My dad has a penis." My mom is relieved a little in that she dodged a bullet by the little girl knowing what it was, and she even knew the correct terminology. So my mom says, "yes sweetheart little boys and daddies have a penis." To which the little girl replied, "Its ok, my daddie's small too."
yerm
Golden Baronet of the Realm
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zombiewizardhawk
Potato del Grande
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What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid.
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So a pirate had gathered all the courage to ask out the prettiest pirate lady (the one with the fewest peg legs) to the pirate dance. She did say yes, so he was gonna prepare himself for the great day.
First he went to the smith to get a new hook, since you wouldn't want to dance with an old and crummy hook. But lots and lots of pirates where already at the blacksmith, wanting a hook themselves. So he's standing there in line, waiting and waiting and waiting until he gets his hook.
After that he went to the carpenter to get a new peg-leg, since he wanted to dance quite a bit that night, but you guessed it, lots of pirates wanted new peg legs. So he is standing in line, waiting and waiting and waiting for his new peg leg.
Finally he had his new hook and peg leg and he went over in his best dress to the pirate lady's house and she greeted him and invited him in. The catch was that she wanted to wet her whistle before the great dance so he had to wait and keep waiting while she was drinking that bottle of scotch.
Now, finally she was done and they went to the dance, where all the pirates where, dancing and singing. After a little while the pirate lady asked our dear pirate to bring her something to drink since all that dancing had made her thirsty again! So he went over to get her some Punch. And wouldn't you know. There was no punch line.
First he went to the smith to get a new hook, since you wouldn't want to dance with an old and crummy hook. But lots and lots of pirates where already at the blacksmith, wanting a hook themselves. So he's standing there in line, waiting and waiting and waiting until he gets his hook.
After that he went to the carpenter to get a new peg-leg, since he wanted to dance quite a bit that night, but you guessed it, lots of pirates wanted new peg legs. So he is standing in line, waiting and waiting and waiting for his new peg leg.
Finally he had his new hook and peg leg and he went over in his best dress to the pirate lady's house and she greeted him and invited him in. The catch was that she wanted to wet her whistle before the great dance so he had to wait and keep waiting while she was drinking that bottle of scotch.
Now, finally she was done and they went to the dance, where all the pirates where, dancing and singing. After a little while the pirate lady asked our dear pirate to bring her something to drink since all that dancing had made her thirsty again! So he went over to get her some Punch. And wouldn't you know. There was no punch line.