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The Girls Who Broke Your Heart Thread
- Thread starter Wintermute
- Start date
Palum
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I realize that I suck at escalating during dates. I don't know why, really. I am very uncomfortable with PDA with new women and I just don't ever feel like there's good opportunity. I'm a brilliant conversationalist and I can flirt fine, but at the same time, just nothing ever drives me to kiss a chick randomly or get touchy. I'm beginning to think it's a lost cause. Meh.
Palum
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Yes? The problem is I handle alcohol exceptionally well as far as thinking goes. I basically have to be way, way past driving home from the bar to start being less in 'public' mode in public.
Maybe I just need to do more inviting home instead of going to a bar after or staying for drinks. I really don't have a problem talking with women or getting dates and rejection is a laughable concept to me. I just keep putting myself in situations where I am ending the date in a place/time where it'd just be forced instead of hey, we're having fun, let's go back to my place and continue. I mean, do you guys typically start making out with chicks on a second date just randomly in a restaurant or on a sidewalk in town or whatever? I never get that drunk in public.
Sounds like you are neglecting physical contact and by doing that, setting it up as a barrier. If you make physical contact a non-issue by doing it as a natural thing, hugging her when you say hi, leading her by the arm when going for drinks, putting your arm protectively around her at the bar, or other shinannigans along the way. It becomes a natural and innocent part of your flirting/chatting, easy to escalate slowly, its not as big a step when you finally do make a move or kiss her.
Its not about getting drunk etc, its a question of keeping the escalation going in a non akward way.
Its not about getting drunk etc, its a question of keeping the escalation going in a non akward way.
It's easy to advocate making physical contact constant and gradual, but it's a hard thing to do. I've always been terrible at it, and I have the same problem of feeling uncomfortable making a move if I'm sober. The solution is to pretend it's not awkward and kiss her anyway. Think "could I get away with doing this if I was more smooth and/or we were both a little tipsy?" If the answer is yes, you can get away with it anyway, assuming she likes you which we are assuming you know the answer to. That's all there is to it really. Most limitations are self-imposed, so pretend they don't exist and do as some suave guy would do. Your anxiety about it will fade over time.
Shit when you're walking down a street you can stop, grab her arm to turn her toward you, and kiss her. I've done it when I thought "this is going no where if I don't do something quick." As long as you act cool about it, no matter what chaos of insecurity is going on in your head, she'll feel comfortable with it.
Avoid places where it IS weird, though. Restaurant or bar, unless you're in a corner or something, any crowded place, etc. And yea it sounds like you need to plan your dates a little bit better to create a more private environment. That should be a part of your plan for the date anyway.
Shit when you're walking down a street you can stop, grab her arm to turn her toward you, and kiss her. I've done it when I thought "this is going no where if I don't do something quick." As long as you act cool about it, no matter what chaos of insecurity is going on in your head, she'll feel comfortable with it.
Avoid places where it IS weird, though. Restaurant or bar, unless you're in a corner or something, any crowded place, etc. And yea it sounds like you need to plan your dates a little bit better to create a more private environment. That should be a part of your plan for the date anyway.
Tell a girl you are going to kiss her when you first see her as you pick her up for the first date "to make the rest of the date less awkward".
Then do it.
So far it's worked for me 100% of the time I've tried it.
Then do it.
So far it's worked for me 100% of the time I've tried it.
Palum
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Nah I don't neglect it at all, I just don't spend my time looking/creating opportunities for it so I get to the end of the night and then it just feels awkward/forced so I don't. Anyway, Monday was just a first meeting for a drink that kind of turned into a good first date, sans abrupt ending due to time, so I don't think this one ship is sunk yet. Just have to reengineer my planning a bit for date 2.
I dunno dude. No offense but "brilliant conversationalist"? I'd say it's a case of giving too many fucks.
Just do it and if it backfires oh well!
You should hit up parties, get hammered a few times and be stupid. The less you care the easier it gets.
McCheese
SW: Sean, CW: Crone, GW: Wizardhawk
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It only feels awkward/forced because you think it's awkward/forced. You've just got to sike yourself up in your head to go for it as calmly and matter-of-factly as possible. Hell, I've had several first dates that had zero physical contact for the entire 2 - 4 hours we sat and ate/drank/talked, but nonetheless when I walk a girl to her car I always go in for a kiss as if it's something that's expected (and I've never been rejected).
A girl is NEVER going to think less of you for at least attempting a kiss, assuming you're not slobbering all over her face or anything absurd like that. On the contrary, if you don't kiss her there are all kinds of thoughts that can pop into her head and make her question your thoughts and motives.
On a side note, As a general rule I never initiate physical contact other than kissing. Hand holding, hugging, etc. I always lets the girl start. I feel it's a good gauge of how interested she is in you, because a chick who is into you WILL initiate that kind of contact. They won't, however, initiate kissing usually.
Palum
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None taken. The problem is I don't care at all pretty much. I don't really know why I keep going on dates, curiosity maybe? I have lived so long without developing any real meaningful relationships of any sort (with my parents, extremely close friends, etc.) that I really just don't seek anything from other people. No scarred past or any autism bullshit excuses, just life and not being social when I should have been when I was young and stupid I guess. I interact at a transactional level, so I'm just never pushing boundaries that might eventually lead to anything. That's not to say circumstances don't enable me by happenstance with women or that I'm trying to avoid it, it's just frustrating to have to force shit that should be natural by this point.
Yea, I wish. I have a pretty large collection of friends but everything in NH is very cliquey and insular. It's like you have to get permission from all parties involved to cross the Venn diagram of friend spheres by even a single person or else everything goes to hell socially. Parties never involve new people. Would have to hit the bars for that and ugh.
So anyway, called the chick tonight because I'm not a complete texting pussy and voicemail, of course. So I left a short message saying I had a good time and I want to go out with her again after I get back from Chicago, but that I had free drink tickets to burn so I'd talk to her later... Oh well.
Lusiphur
Peasant
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Should have made a crack about forgetting to kiss her but you definitely won't the next time. That neatly puts it on to her to either 'reject' you (ie never return your call) if she wasn't interested or makes her think about it and go 'Yeah, he was cute'.
You seem more verbal than tactile so maybe the best advice is for you to say 'Hey, I am going to kiss you now' and then do it. Set yourself a goal of forcing a kiss on every date etc.
Phazael
Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
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As an ugly fat fuck, I have to side with the make a play crowd. If she shuts you down, you were getting friend zoned anyhow and now you have confirmation. There really is not much to lose by making an early play, if you are relatively classy about it. In other words, get an early hug, hold a hand here and there, and go for a kiss late in the date. Don't check her for breast cancer right after introducing yourself or something equally ridiculous unless your fearless of rejection and going the one nighter route at a party. If I had to guess I would say you overthinking the issue and going off some checklist in your head instead of going by whatever chemistry you might have with the woman. If that's the case, you might need to dial back the dialog a bit and pick up on whatever cues she is giving you. If there are none, chances are you have been friendzoned anyhow and its time to move on.
I disagree with this entirely. Telling her you "forgot" just tells her you thought about it and pussed out. Telling her you're gonna kiss her is weird also.
Djay
Trakanon Raider
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I could see doing it at the beginning of the next date...even then, you'd have to phrase it right and not be awkward about it. Saying "I'm gonna kiss you now" right before you do it is never good, though. You just do it. Even if you don't phrase it as a question, it comes off as weak/indecisive.
Palum
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Yea, I wouldn't let a real date go by NOW without going for it. I just don't usually even consider it on an after-work first meeting, though, which is probably a mistake...
Anyway if she turns me down for a second date, joke is on her, lol. I was thinking about if I should try calling her again Sunday or something after I get back if I don't hear from her at all by then, but I should probably just say fuck it and move on now if she doesn't even have the courtesy to send a text reply or anything.
Honestly, i think it depends on *how* you phrase it. I have no problems with chicks generally, and after reading these past few posts I am imagining using this line/move on a women... Mid conversation, mid walk, mid whataver, i would pull her aside, look her in the eyes, say "ok, time for a kiss", wink (with a smile!! this is important) and go in for the kill. My suspicion is most chicks would go for it 100% unless they had already friendzoned you.
I guess it depends on how you approach women in the first place, I tend to do A LOT of talking to girls over text or the internet... so it's almost like we've already had quite a few hours of "dating" before even seeing each other for the first time. If you're just meeting a girl and you've only maybe spoken to her for like 5 minutes, obviously telling her that you're going to kiss her when you see her wouldn't work and would probably just come off as creepy.