Titans guide to picking a good woman.

Titan_Atlas

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#1
Well, these forums are mostly men and I know love can blind people a bit to the potential for problems. I think many of us on this forum are a bit older and wiser and can give some advice.

So here's some pieces I've picked up and dealt with through many, many relationships.

1. Pick a woman who hasn't slept with more than 10 men. There are studies that indicate some emotional wreckage starts around this number. To be fair as a man you should stick around this number as well. The reasoning as I see it, experience becomes the bar you hold people to. The reality is sex is foundational to marriage, and as time passes it gets a little more boring and routine. That sex you have in the beginning is exciting and new, it's experimental and that is amazing. But here is the rub, most likely you are average to above average in bed, dick size. If your lady is comparing you to 8 others and only two were "better" that's easier to rationalize against other positives. Now when your lady slept with 45 guys, there are 16 guys better than you, and even worse if she was sleeping with guys for a week or two maybe a month having fun. You are measuring up against 35 guys who all had sex with her during the fun, exciting, experimental stage. This is going to create problems in your marriage as things settle down into a more normal pattern.

2. In a world of social media, secrecy is non starter. Relationships are hard enough and in a world growing more interconnected, honesty and openness are absolutes. So, this can be a dangerous area because we are treading close to the trust and spying area for many people. My advice, things to look out for are:
- Separate friend groups, people who are dishonest many times like to control information, one way they do this is keep friends secret or groups separate.
- Not friending you on social media, having very strict privacy settings. Now especially with women they have been creeped on before so you need to understand. But someone who is very careful to make sure you never see their info and really gets mad if you happen upon it, is untrustworthy. Not saying they are a cheater, but they likely keep options open, or have conversations that would not be easy to explain.

3. Lying, the best lies are 80% true. Be careful with people who massage information. Honest people don't need to lie very often. If you notice a pattern of stories not really matching what you were told, this is a sign. Your partner may not be outright lying, but they are using omission or leaving out parts to give you a specific view. They are fake news. This will really hurt a marriage since you will subconsciously distrust this person and tend towards wanting to double check.

My final piece of advise:
4. Foundational views of the world being alike is very important. The basics are politics, religion, family importance, future children, financial responsibility, cleanliness, educational attainment. These need to be very close, you don't have to agree on everything, but you need to be on the same page. You are building a life with this person. Something to be very careful about, is if you believe strongly about something and they really don't care. This can be a trap because having strong feelings means you have high standards for that subject. The other person not caring can lead to problems like anger at you for bringing it up all the time, or lackadaisical attitude towards doing something important.

Anyways, these are a start I'm sure many other people have great input. I don't think this really belongs in the marriage thread as that's more what happens in marriage and what happens in divorce. This is about what to do right so you can get into that thread happily.
 

Khane

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#2
Oh my god. Finally! I don't have to be single anymore!
 

Comrade Araysar

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#4
Yeah, dont sleep with more than 10 girls. Its perfect for this board. :smuggly:
 

Khane

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#5
I'm the male equivalent of a person?

 

Dandai

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#6
You touched on it on your 4th point, but I’d say a more concise description would be to make sure your temperaments aren’t strongly opposed. You don’t want someone that shares your exact temperament because you’ll both get bored with each other. You need to be challenging each other. But you don’t want temperaments that are majorly opposed either.

The easiest example is if you are a hyper orderly person (living space is always organized and immaculately clean) and your partner is hyper disorderly (even when you point out the mess that they were completely oblivious to previously, they still don’t see the problem with it), you are going to make each other miserable forever. Their temperament makes them literally blind to the thing that you find reprehensible and disgusting. That will eventually translate into you finding them reprehensible and disgusting, which of course means your relationship is nonexistent. You can broaden and expand your personality and temperamental bag of tricks, but you can’t fundamentally change them.

Sidebar: There was a study that showed couples who have a ratio of 1 negative interaction to 20 positive interactions don’t stay together. The magic number was somewhere around 1:7. Of course if it’s inverse (7:1 negative to positive) your relationship won’t last either because you’re arguing all the time.

 

Fight

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#7
Titan_Atlas Titan_Atlas What about handling money? So many people get this part wrong and it ruins everything.
 

Titan_Atlas

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#8
Titan_Atlas Titan_Atlas What about handling money? So many people get this part wrong and it ruins everything.
In my section 4 foundational views I mention financial responsibility. I agree that you have to align fairly closely on financial responsibility. If you have one person who is a spendthrift and another who is a saver it creates a ton of friction and stress. Even worse is believing you can work around the relationships need for honesty by hiding money or purchases from your partner.
 

j00t

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#9
Be rich enough to have a financial adviser handle all of your money
 

wormie

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#11
Where is the section about making sure the wife isn't a BLM supporter? Very important.
 

Dalven

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#13
I just shagged woman number 11 last week - am I now doomed to a lifetime of unsatisfying relationships??
 

Khane

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#14
I just shagged woman number 11 last week - am I now doomed to a lifetime of unsatisfying relationships??
Depends, were any of them strictly anal? Anal doesn't count.
 

Comrade Araysar

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#16
I banged over 100 women in my life, im approaching 200 at this point.

This advice sucks.
 

Alex

Still a Music Elitist
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#19
Where is the section about making sure the wife isn't a BLM supporter? Very important.
What was wrong with your [maybe?] ex-wife? Are things still working out? Have I missed multiple posts about this already somewhere else?

Do any of you find something that most people probably consider to be a minuscule difference to be monumentally important to you? Being a live music fan or music snob is a huge thing for me. And here in SF, you meet so many Burning Man people and that is a red flag. Burners typically don't like good music. They are dogshit EDM fans. It's at the point that I've added to my online dating profiles that I hate that scene. That's even ignoring people that only know Top 40. Ugh. How do you settle for this?!? I can't even comprehend.
 

TJT

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#20
Well, these forums are mostly men and I know love can blind people a bit to the potential for problems. I think many of us on this forum are a bit older and wiser and can give some advice.

So here's some pieces I've picked up and dealt with through many, many relationships.

1. Pick a woman who hasn't slept with more than 10 men. There are studies that indicate some emotional wreckage starts around this number. To be fair as a man you should stick around this number as well. The reasoning as I see it, experience becomes the bar you hold people to. The reality is sex is foundational to marriage, and as time passes it gets a little more boring and routine. That sex you have in the beginning is exciting and new, it's experimental and that is amazing. But here is the rub, most likely you are average to above average in bed, dick size. If your lady is comparing you to 8 others and only two were "better" that's easier to rationalize against other positives. Now when your lady slept with 45 guys, there are 16 guys better than you, and even worse if she was sleeping with guys for a week or two maybe a month having fun. You are measuring up against 35 guys who all had sex with her during the fun, exciting, experimental stage. This is going to create problems in your marriage as things settle down into a more normal pattern.

2. In a world of social media, secrecy is non starter. Relationships are hard enough and in a world growing more interconnected, honesty and openness are absolutes. So, this can be a dangerous area because we are treading close to the trust and spying area for many people. My advice, things to look out for are:
- Separate friend groups, people who are dishonest many times like to control information, one way they do this is keep friends secret or groups separate.
- Not friending you on social media, having very strict privacy settings. Now especially with women they have been creeped on before so you need to understand. But someone who is very careful to make sure you never see their info and really gets mad if you happen upon it, is untrustworthy. Not saying they are a cheater, but they likely keep options open, or have conversations that would not be easy to explain.

3. Lying, the best lies are 80% true. Be careful with people who massage information. Honest people don't need to lie very often. If you notice a pattern of stories not really matching what you were told, this is a sign. Your partner may not be outright lying, but they are using omission or leaving out parts to give you a specific view. They are fake news. This will really hurt a marriage since you will subconsciously distrust this person and tend towards wanting to double check.

My final piece of advise:
4. Foundational views of the world being alike is very important. The basics are politics, religion, family importance, future children, financial responsibility, cleanliness, educational attainment. These need to be very close, you don't have to agree on everything, but you need to be on the same page. You are building a life with this person. Something to be very careful about, is if you believe strongly about something and they really don't care. This can be a trap because having strong feelings means you have high standards for that subject. The other person not caring can lead to problems like anger at you for bringing it up all the time, or lackadaisical attitude towards doing something important.

Anyways, these are a start I'm sure many other people have great input. I don't think this really belongs in the marriage thread as that's more what happens in marriage and what happens in divorce. This is about what to do right so you can get into that thread happily.
I deleted all my social media other than Linkedin like a year ago. Even in my general life it's hard to explain that because the reason is literally that I just got tired of it and didn't want it anymore. But nobody believes this for some reason and get nearly offended when I tell them about the LinkedIn instead lol.

God forbid I don't use facebook right?