Well, these forums are mostly men and I know love can blind people a bit to the potential for problems. I think many of us on this forum are a bit older and wiser and can give some advice.
So here's some pieces I've picked up and dealt with through many, many relationships.
1. Pick a woman who hasn't slept with more than 10 men. There are studies that indicate some emotional wreckage starts around this number. To be fair as a man you should stick around this number as well. The reasoning as I see it, experience becomes the bar you hold people to. The reality is sex is foundational to marriage, and as time passes it gets a little more boring and routine. That sex you have in the beginning is exciting and new, it's experimental and that is amazing. But here is the rub, most likely you are average to above average in bed, dick size. If your lady is comparing you to 8 others and only two were "better" that's easier to rationalize against other positives. Now when your lady slept with 45 guys, there are 16 guys better than you, and even worse if she was sleeping with guys for a week or two maybe a month having fun. You are measuring up against 35 guys who all had sex with her during the fun, exciting, experimental stage. This is going to create problems in your marriage as things settle down into a more normal pattern.
2. In a world of social media, secrecy is non starter. Relationships are hard enough and in a world growing more interconnected, honesty and openness are absolutes. So, this can be a dangerous area because we are treading close to the trust and spying area for many people. My advice, things to look out for are:
- Separate friend groups, people who are dishonest many times like to control information, one way they do this is keep friends secret or groups separate.
- Not friending you on social media, having very strict privacy settings. Now especially with women they have been creeped on before so you need to understand. But someone who is very careful to make sure you never see their info and really gets mad if you happen upon it, is untrustworthy. Not saying they are a cheater, but they likely keep options open, or have conversations that would not be easy to explain.
3. Lying, the best lies are 80% true. Be careful with people who massage information. Honest people don't need to lie very often. If you notice a pattern of stories not really matching what you were told, this is a sign. Your partner may not be outright lying, but they are using omission or leaving out parts to give you a specific view. They are fake news. This will really hurt a marriage since you will subconsciously distrust this person and tend towards wanting to double check.
My final piece of advise:
4. Foundational views of the world being alike is very important. The basics are politics, religion, family importance, future children, financial responsibility, cleanliness, educational attainment. These need to be very close, you don't have to agree on everything, but you need to be on the same page. You are building a life with this person. Something to be very careful about, is if you believe strongly about something and they really don't care. This can be a trap because having strong feelings means you have high standards for that subject. The other person not caring can lead to problems like anger at you for bringing it up all the time, or lackadaisical attitude towards doing something important.
Anyways, these are a start I'm sure many other people have great input. I don't think this really belongs in the marriage thread as that's more what happens in marriage and what happens in divorce. This is about what to do right so you can get into that thread happily.
So here's some pieces I've picked up and dealt with through many, many relationships.
1. Pick a woman who hasn't slept with more than 10 men. There are studies that indicate some emotional wreckage starts around this number. To be fair as a man you should stick around this number as well. The reasoning as I see it, experience becomes the bar you hold people to. The reality is sex is foundational to marriage, and as time passes it gets a little more boring and routine. That sex you have in the beginning is exciting and new, it's experimental and that is amazing. But here is the rub, most likely you are average to above average in bed, dick size. If your lady is comparing you to 8 others and only two were "better" that's easier to rationalize against other positives. Now when your lady slept with 45 guys, there are 16 guys better than you, and even worse if she was sleeping with guys for a week or two maybe a month having fun. You are measuring up against 35 guys who all had sex with her during the fun, exciting, experimental stage. This is going to create problems in your marriage as things settle down into a more normal pattern.
2. In a world of social media, secrecy is non starter. Relationships are hard enough and in a world growing more interconnected, honesty and openness are absolutes. So, this can be a dangerous area because we are treading close to the trust and spying area for many people. My advice, things to look out for are:
- Separate friend groups, people who are dishonest many times like to control information, one way they do this is keep friends secret or groups separate.
- Not friending you on social media, having very strict privacy settings. Now especially with women they have been creeped on before so you need to understand. But someone who is very careful to make sure you never see their info and really gets mad if you happen upon it, is untrustworthy. Not saying they are a cheater, but they likely keep options open, or have conversations that would not be easy to explain.
3. Lying, the best lies are 80% true. Be careful with people who massage information. Honest people don't need to lie very often. If you notice a pattern of stories not really matching what you were told, this is a sign. Your partner may not be outright lying, but they are using omission or leaving out parts to give you a specific view. They are fake news. This will really hurt a marriage since you will subconsciously distrust this person and tend towards wanting to double check.
My final piece of advise:
4. Foundational views of the world being alike is very important. The basics are politics, religion, family importance, future children, financial responsibility, cleanliness, educational attainment. These need to be very close, you don't have to agree on everything, but you need to be on the same page. You are building a life with this person. Something to be very careful about, is if you believe strongly about something and they really don't care. This can be a trap because having strong feelings means you have high standards for that subject. The other person not caring can lead to problems like anger at you for bringing it up all the time, or lackadaisical attitude towards doing something important.
Anyways, these are a start I'm sure many other people have great input. I don't think this really belongs in the marriage thread as that's more what happens in marriage and what happens in divorce. This is about what to do right so you can get into that thread happily.
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