What tickles your pickle

Poor, poor me had to go in to work on my Sunday.

I vividly remember Carson Daly's face when he had to announce that Tom Green's "The bum bum song" was "Your #1 song today on TRL"

This is how I communicate with my boss when he doesn't respond to my purchase requests for a week+. I've finally trained him to know that if he doesn't respond after 5 working days, I'm just going to buy it anyways with my work credit card.

I live next door to the firestation and they do drill night every Wednesday. The people that worked there when I worked there always wander over to my house to BS before drill starts.

One of the FF/EMTs is a girl that I worked with and her boyfriend is a cop and one of my best friends. He just made detective last year and she was telling us about a bunch of crazy shit that's been going on lately and that the cops can't even pursue people anymore unless it's for something like a murder/kidnapping. 90mph speeding with no license plate? Nope, gotta let them drive away.

I said "This is why I always tell your man that I'm onboard with abolishing the police....at least for a year or so. Tell him to take a vacation and we'll get this shit sorted out by the time he's back. If they abolished the police today, I'd call Jake first thing tomorrow morning and we'd have a caravan of 50cal technicals by next Tuesday".

(Jake is an early 30s farmboy that runs his family's orchard and a volunteer firefighter. Absolute wild boy. ~7 years ago when I was on shift, we got a call to my neighbor's house at about 3am for someone that was absolutely beat to shit. Turns out he was going through trashcans and mailboxes and stealing people's mail/ID and 2 guys in masks caught him and dragged him out to an orchard and beat the shit out of him.)

She said "OH! Did you hear they caught that dirtbag that's been breaking into cars on [our road]? They beat him within a fucking inch of his life."

Me - "Good. He should stop bragging about it though."

Her - "Oh he's fine. They caught the guy on their property. The Sheriff high fived him and his dad"

Former coworker bitching about the gis/uas guy at his new company. I've never heard him say anything remotely political.

Also, I saw a funny "business park" in Portland , or whatever the fuck its called when a bunch of business are in the same area and have their names on one sign:


Five Guys
Dairy Queen
[something not memorable]
Planned Parenthood

A (poly) married coworker confessed last week that she's had a bit of a thing for me for a few years. We know eachother pretty well, so I've been joking and taunting her about it for the last 4 days and started making jokes about "50 shades of gray" scenarios. I'm just being fucking ridiculous now and pitching role-playing scenarios like:

1. I'm the first african-american fighter pilot that gets shot down just outside of Danang and she's the 2nd-in-command of a Vietcong regiment dispatched to search the wreckage.

2. Both of us are beaker-babies growing more and more suspicious that our mothers received IVF from the same facility that's embroiled in a lawsuit over a staff member replacing all the donor sperm with his own (she's a lawyer, I'm a former Navy SEAL with a percocet addiction, working as a body guard for Carrot Top)

3. I'm an unwitting class-7 biological terminator, sent back in time to save the human race by spreading my vaccine-free seed to every suitable womb in the pacific northwest. The C-7 model was designed to go nuclear if it's balls are at capacity for more than 48 hours, so we're traveling the world and looking for a cure while maintaining a safe ball capacity level.


I've probably sent this girl 25 different scenarios by now and she's not even phased. We're on a conference call together this afternoon, so I'm going to test her composure when its almost her turn to present.

Deathwing said:

You're going to have to start posting pictures soon for these bitches you claim to be pining for you.

Click to expand...

Nope.
The last one was a godamn smokeshow, but don't take it as a brag because she's a proud floozie.

Edit- just so you don't think I'm totally full of shit. Not sending their pics without the ok, but let me know if you want a dick root pic from me. For $5 I'll scribble your name on it (maybe just the first 4 letters)

Deathwing said:

I mean, you're making it hard to believe you. You make it sound like you're just tripping over women who can't wait to fuck you.

Click to expand...

No, there's a handful of women I work or hang out with a lot and what keeps happening is basically:

"I've kinda had a thing for you because you're the funnest person to work with...."
"You should have kept that to yourself if you have any sentimental attachment to those pants...."

I get a kick out of seeing what I can get away with saying. I've always said ridiculous shit to women as a gag when I was out with my friends when I was younger, but it hardly worked. I assume because they were strangers. But it's like there's no fucking limit to what I can get away with when it comes to friends/coworkers and the flirting is more fun than anything else.

I went to lunch with this girl on Saturday when I was in town for work and she kept ordering more beers for us. She told me she had a thing after the 2nd beer and it was a non-issue....we were talking about boats like 20 seconds later. When we finished our 3rd beers, she asked if I'd have one more and I said something like "Nah, I still need to drive home and if you get one more beer in me right now, I'm going to crawl under the table and chew a hole through those pants". So I'm not getting swarmed....people just keep making a mostly innocent offhand remark and opening the door a little bit, then I kick the fucking thing wide open.

Fucker said:

Poly women will fuck anything that moves. Great fun if you are first, not so much if you are notch #215 on her bed post.

Click to expand...

This one is turning out to be the only time a woman is far less of a floozie than I'd thought. She's "poly" because her and her husband are both attracted to other people and are ok with each other pursuing it.....but he slept with someone else once, 6 years ago, and she's kissed 3 other people.

I don't know....I'm confused. I like floozies and this one isn't nearly as much of a floozie as she pretends to be. I can't think of another time I've met a girl that pretends to be more of a floozie than she is.

I'm getting my hog inspected today and both the nurse and assistant are pretty cute. What's a line I can use to get my pickle literally tickled?

I was thinking about reporting some weird nerve damage/behavior where a tickle in one spot feels like a different one. I'm aiming for an ailment with a 2+ minute troubleshooting process.