Dating

Oblio · Mar 18, 2023

I don't live in a big city anymore. It's not a small town but it isn't LA or even Vegas. The county I live in is less than a million. People here are less superficial versus the big cities I lived in. If my wife passed I would likely stay here, I would consider myself a big fish in a small pond. I likely have many of the divorced moms of my kids friends throwing themselves at me. Some of my wife's friend have asked my wife if they could clone me. Keep in mind I am fat, so it isn't based off physical looks it is based off my personality and actions.

Big city or small my advice is still the same, if she is the right one she will be looking for the same thing you are so shoot your shot and find out. I advise getting to the "No" as soon as possible and GTFO as soon as you know it is a "No." Don't waste your time.

Ask yourself over the past decade how many dates have you done on knowing before hand it wasn't going to work out? Then why did you waste your time? Or if you knew it was a "No" 30 minutes into the date why did you stay 2 or 3 more hours? I would not care if a lady was offended that I realized we weren't compatible and decided to end the date early. You don't have to be mean just be honest. If she is offended by honesty then you certainly know she ain't right for you. Place a high value on your time because it is the most valuable commodity you will ever have.

pharmakos · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio that ain't small bruv. The county I live in has a population of 100,000 or so.

County I grew up in has 30,000 or so

Khane · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
I don't live in a big city anymore. It's not a small town but it isn't LA or even Vegas. The county I live in is less than a million. People here are less superficial versus the big cities I lived in. If my wife passed I would likely stay here, I would consider myself a big fish in a small pond. I likely have many of the divorced moms of my kids friends throwing themselves at me. Some of my wife's friend have asked my wife if they could clone me. Keep in mind I am fat, so it isn't based off physical looks it is based off my personality and actions.

You just can't help yourself can you? A fat slob who thinks he's god's gift to women. Jesus. It's embarrassing how full of yourself you are.

Rajaah · Mar 18, 2023

Oblio said:
I am also looking at this from the stand point of only being single because my wife passed away. I think women would view a widower of 20+ years in higher regard than a divorcee of 10 years or a lifetime bachelor.

I wonder how they'd view me. Not a widower or divorcee, not really a lifetime bachelor either. Had a bunch of short relationships, then one really long one (with several more short ones cris-crossing with it due to my open-minded GF), then that ended, then COVID, then backlogs, TLPs, and CRPG Crusades. I've gained about 15 pounds of blubber in the past few years but I don't really show it, look about ten years my junior, and could be back in ladykilling shape very quickly if I made that call.

Which one of these days I will. But what do I tell chix? I was in an LTR with a girl who later offed herself, never proposed, probably should have, now I get to live with that, and been taking a break in general since COVID? I mean, probably leave out most of those details. Hopefully "I was in an LTR for a long time then ended it and now mainly working and watching out for my family since 2020" would fly with women just fine. It might fly less in 2024 and a lot less in 2025 though.

pharmakos · Mar 18, 2023

Rajaah said:
I wonder how they'd view me. Not a widower or divorcee, not really a lifetime bachelor either. Had a bunch of short relationships, then one really long one (with several more short ones cris-crossing with it due to my open-minded GF), then that ended, then COVID, then backlogs, TLPs, and CRPG Crusades. I've gained about 15 pounds of blubber in the past few years but I don't really show it, look about ten years my junior, and could be back in ladykilling shape very quickly if I made that call.

Which one of these days I will. But what do I tell chix? I was in an LTR with a girl who later offed herself, never proposed, probably should have, now I get to live with that, and been taking a break in general since COVID? I mean, probably leave out most of those details. Hopefully "I was in an LTR for a long time then ended it and now mainly working and watching out for my family since 2020" would fly with women just fine. It might fly less in 2024 and a lot less in 2025 though.

Tell her you were waiting for the right woman. That you're the sort of man who doesn't mind being single, because you are sure of your self already. You don't need to look for love in all the wrong places to find validation. You were content to bide your time until the right one came along.

For me, at least, people who are constantly in one relationship after another... That's a red flag. Someone who is successful and happy while being single? Huge green flag.

Rajaah · Mar 19, 2023

Animosity said:
These forums should 100% be where you don’t go for dating advice.

Like I said, the best advice comes from women, and I don't see none of those in this thread. There are still a few good things to pick up here though.

pharmakos said:
Tell her you were waiting for the right woman. That you're the sort of man who doesn't mind being single, because you are sure of your self already. You don't need to look for love in all the wrong places to find validation. You were content to bide your time until the right one came along.

For me, at least, people who are constantly in one relationship after another... That's a red flag. Someone who is successful and happy while being single? Huge green flag.

Huh, that...makes total sense. It's also the truth. I couldn't care less about being single the past couple years. Contrary to what Ossoi thinks, I'm a vol-cel. Got other shit to do. If I met a girl who I thought was The One, I'd totally go after her, no question. But I haven't run into anyone like that in a bit. Last time was in 2019, friend of mine's cousin who I was instantly head over heels for, but she was trying to break into the music industry and didn't want to have a boyfriend that might interfere with her dreams. We still went out a couple times, and man, I was smitten. I made an effort there. She broke things off after two dates because I was making her feel things and she couldn't have that. So I do still make an effort if the right woman crosses my path. It's just rare now.

So basically if I tell them what you said, I'm just being honest. After my LTR ended I really didn't feel the need to run out and get someone else. It was more like "the next one needs to go the distance"

Oblio · Mar 19, 2023

pharmakos said:
Oblio that ain't small bruv. The county I live in has a population of 100,000 or so.

County I grew up in has 30,000 or so

My intent was to say it was neither big nor small. In the middle.

Khane said:
You just can't help yourself can you? A fat slob who thinks he's god's gift to women. Jesus. It's embarrassing how full of yourself you are.

Wow! Here I was thinking we were having a civil discussion and we're answering in good faith with good intentions. I guess not. Here you are once again attacking me unprovoked.

In our earlier argument you claimed I was attacking all single guys through you. Nope, it was just you. I have nothing against single guys, why would I? I said I would be a big fish in a small pond, admitting I have more to offer a woman here than I would in a big liberal shit hole city means I think I am God's Gift? Really? I called myself fat and told you divorced moms find me attractive because they see the way I treat my wife and kids and that offends you? Saying that some single moms (the lowest hanging fruit out there) are attracted to me is some great offense? Stating that some of my wife's friends like what I am about is somehow conceited? Just factual, they see me with my wife and kids and find my behavior attractive, just like my wife does. Why is this a hard concept to grasp. It's not like I said 25 year old California Tens would be throwing themselves at me.

I am not even gonna bother attacking you back. I just will advise that you stop looking at all the reasons you can't beat the odds and just start doing what you need to do to beat the odds. If you are 100% honest with yourself I am sure you can find things about yourself that you could change or improve on to help you. I know I personally have somethings to continue working to make sure I have continued success in my relationship. Losing weight being one of them, I have lost a ton of weight multiple times only to yo yo back up. It is the number one way my childhood trauma has affected me and it irks me that I have not been able to conquer it, but God knows I keep trying.

Rajaah · Mar 19, 2023

Got a question for a dating thread. Maybe not a question so much as me wondering if this is normal.

I've been on a ton of first dates. Like a friend joked that "50 First Dates" was a movie about me one time.

What I mean is that I've gone on a ton of dates with dating app matches, friends of friends, random women I met in a store, etc, and hardly any of them ever went beyond the first date. The ones that did, hardly any of those went beyond the second.

Friends of friends have a much higher chance of lasting a little while, but random women and app matches have pretty roundly been 1 date and nada. I've had my share of relationships (aka dating for a month or longer) but My God do I have a lot of 1 date or 2 date things in-between those. Probably 6 fizzles for every actual thing that lasted any length of time. (Edit: 6 might even be low-balling it, IDK, I haven't kept score)

Many, maybe most, of these first dates involved the woman being all over me by the end of it. Not necessarily banging, more sitting in my lap making out with me type stuff. Then the next day I get ghosted or "too busy"ed.

So uh...is this normal? Almost everyone I've ever gone out with was in their early to mid 20's, if that explains anything. And I didn't make much money back then (was a student for a lot of it) which is probably my answer right there. Either way, wondering if anyone else has had that experience or has friends who have. Cause it really starts to feel like there's something wrong with you after a while when you hardly ever get to a second or third date with anyone, despite being good-looking and charming (and the women who do like you, REALLY like you). Just doesn't make much sense. Unless that's simply the normal way of things, to get made out with and then ghosted by 6 out of 7 girls you take out.

Chukzombi · Mar 19, 2023

Rajaah said:
Latinas are cool like that. They make everything easier for some reason. You can just come right out and tell them that they're hot and you want to take them out and it's fine. No jumping through hoops or tiptoeing around like with suburban white chicks who get offended that a guy is looking at them. I love Latinas. Everything with them is just easier and relaxed.

italian and latina girls are the best, i despise dating white girls, very self centered and act just weird to me, you go up to a white girl and tell her she's hot, that bitch is going to call you a pig and probably slap you. you try that with a latina girl and 9 times out of ten she wlll smile back and compliment you. and because of that they can also be very dangerous. cuz they flirt like crazy and meanwhile their man(or some 5 foot tall rican midget who wants her to like him) is steaming somewhere in the background and sees you as a threat and now you got to fight this ankle biter and his other ankle biter friends

Oblio · Mar 19, 2023

Rajaah I obviously can't answer that, but I think the student thing could be an issue with non-students. Were a lot those dates with other students?

I also have a question about the Ghosting. Do you set plans for a second date while on the first date?

pharmakos · Mar 19, 2023

Rajaah said:
Got a question for a dating thread. Maybe not a question so much as me wondering if this is normal.

I've been on a ton of first dates. Like a friend joked that "50 First Dates" was a movie about me one time.

What I mean is that I've gone on a ton of dates with dating app matches, friends of friends, random women I met in a store, etc, and hardly any of them ever went beyond the first date. The ones that did, hardly any of those went beyond the second.

Friends of friends have a much higher chance of lasting a little while, but random women and app matches have pretty roundly been 1 date and nada. I've had my share of relationships (aka dating for a month or longer) but My God do I have a lot of 1 date or 2 date things in-between those. Probably 6 fizzles for every actual thing that lasted any length of time. (Edit: 6 might even be low-balling it, IDK, I haven't kept score)

Many, maybe most, of these first dates involved the woman being all over me by the end of it. Not necessarily banging, more sitting in my lap making out with me type stuff. Then the next day I get ghosted or "too busy"ed.

So uh...is this normal? Almost everyone I've ever gone out with was in their early to mid 20's, if that explains anything. And I didn't make much money back then (was a student for a lot of it) which is probably my answer right there. Either way, wondering if anyone else has had that experience or has friends who have. Cause it really starts to feel like there's something wrong with you after a while when you hardly ever get to a second or third date with anyone, despite being good-looking and charming (and the women who do like you, REALLY like you). Just doesn't make much sense. Unless that's simply the normal way of things, to get made out with and then ghosted by 6 out of 7 girls you take out.

They end up in your lap making out but you don't fuck?

Yeah they weren't looking for relationships. They just wanted to get laid. You didn't give them what they wanted asap so they went elsewhere.

That's fine tho. You don't want that type of woman anyway.

Khane · Mar 19, 2023

Oblio said:
My intent was to say it was neither big nor small. In the middle.

Wow! Here I was thinking we were having a civil discussion and we're answering in good faith with good intentions. I guess not. Here you are once again attacking me unprovoked.

In our earlier argument you claimed I was attacking all single guys through you. Nope, it was just you. I have nothing against single guys, why would I? I said I would be a big fish in a small pond, admitting I have more to offer a woman here than I would in a big liberal shit hole city means I think I am God's Gift? Really? I called myself fat and told you divorced moms find me attractive because they see the way I treat my wife and kids and that offends you? Saying that some single moms (the lowest hanging fruit out there) are attracted to me is some great offense? Stating that some of my wife's friends like what I am about is somehow conceited? Just factual, they see me with my wife and kids and find my behavior attractive, just like my wife does. Why is this a hard concept to grasp. It's not like I said 25 year old California Tens would be throwing themselves at me.

I am not even gonna bother attacking you back. I just will advise that you stop looking at all the reasons you can't beat the odds and just start doing what you need to do to beat the odds. If you are 100% honest with yourself I am sure you can find things about yourself that you could change or improve on to help you. I know I personally have somethings to continue working to make sure I have continued success in my relationship. Losing weight being one of them, I have lost a ton of weight multiple times only to yo yo back up. It is the number one way my childhood trauma has affected me and it irks me that I have not been able to conquer it, but God knows I keep trying.

You don't need to worry about it. Everyone believes that all the women in your life wish they could clone you. You win. Have fun in the dating thread.

MusicForFish · Mar 19, 2023

Ya'll need to get laid. FFS gents.

Rajaah · Mar 19, 2023

Chukzombi said:
italian and latina girls are the best, i despise dating white girls, very self centered and act just weird to me, you go up to a white girl and tell her she's hot, that bitch is going to call you a pig and probably slap you. you try that with a latina girl and 9 times out of ten she wlll smile back and compliment you. and because of that they can also be very dangerous. cuz they flirt like crazy and meanwhile their man(or some 5 foot tall rican midget who wants her to like him) is steaming somewhere in the background and sees you as a threat and now you got to fight this ankle biter and his other ankle biter friends

I have gotten into a fight before over this very situation. Flirted with a girl named Angie at a middle school party, she flirted back a lot harder. Then some guy named Cameron appeared out of nowhere telling me to stop trying to get with "his girl" and challenging me to go outside cause he was going to beat my ass. I just sort of reacted right then and there, gave him one stiff gut-punch that dropped him. I think I bullseye'd the solar plexus, for it to drop him that fast. People were looking at me like "wow, what an asshole" after that because even though he started it, I was the one standing there with this guy coughing on the floor in front of me. Plus I struck with no warning, basically as soon as he told me he was going to beat my ass. Boom, dishonorable sucker punch. Sensei Kreese would have been proud. Then I just kinda walked off and found my friends while Cameron melodramatically struggled to his feet and Angie looked at him with this weird look that I couldn't read.

Didn't see either of them ever again. I probably did him a favor because I assume it got him pity points with Angie. They're probably married now. That or she couldn't believe she was with a guy who'd crumble that fast and lost all respect for him and now he's in prison somewhere, thinking about me while he lifts weights and fashions shivs.

You'll never see me trying any of those "go up to women and compliment their shoes / ask them to fuck" type "strategies" because of the substantial risk of upsetting some dude lurking in the background watching her like a hawk. And since I'm an adult now I'll either go to jail for injuring somebody, or (far more likely at this moment) go to the hospital because they injured me. Yeah, no, I'm good. Male insecurity / lashing out is a real deterrent for hitting on women in bars and clubs, there's a certain vibe in those places where men start chimping out if their female shows any attention to another male. Parties and whatnot are (usually) better about these things, different vibe.

Lesson of the day: If a guy chimps out at you and tries to fight, just sucker punch him in the gut as hard as you can and walk off. And as always, re-stomp that groin.

Rajaah · Mar 19, 2023

Oblio said:
Rajaah I obviously can't answer that, but I think the student thing could be an issue with non-students. Were a lot those dates with other students?

I also have a question about the Ghosting. Do you set plans for a second date while on the first date?

I can't say because I don't remember. Most of these were ages ago. There was one Tinder date I went on not too long ago so I remember it fairly well, with this oddball girl who was like 5 years older than her pictures (...they all are) and I don't think I made any second date plans on that one. We just hung out on a boardwalk, then ended up ferociously making out on the beach. Had to be up early the next day, told her I had fun and we should do it again some time, she agreed, went home. Next day I went to invite her to hang out with me and some friends that night, and saw we were un-matched.

I should probably work on making second date plans because I think that might be an issue. When steering things towards a first date on an app you want to take the date to the real world as quick as you can, lest you end up being her pen pal for weeks. I figured that out pretty quick. Equally important is probably setting up the follow-up if you have a good time while on the date and yeah, I don't know how well I was doing that part.

pharmakos said:
They end up in your lap making out but you don't fuck?

Yeah they weren't looking for relationships. They just wanted to get laid. You didn't give them what they wanted asap so they went elsewhere.

That's fine tho. You don't want that type of woman anyway.

That sounds about right. I don't generally want to bang on a first date. I like to wait for it and build some sort of anticipation / have to chase. There are exceptions of course, like this one chick who looked like Olivia Munn who I spent 6 hours talking to about our lives. When 2 AM hit and I walked her home, I wasn't gonna turn down her invitation in for cocoa. She was one of the ones who then got perpetually busy afterwards so there was never a date 2. I actually thought that one was gonna go somewhere because date 1 was like one of those rom com dates where everything works out perfectly. She was in med school though so I think she might have actually been telling the truth about being busy.

As for the rest... Well, eureka, I think it's figured-out. A lot of my first dates were women who just wanted a pump and dump, and I didn't put out quick enough, so they unmatched and moved on to the next guy in the bread line. Lord knows they probably had like four more lined up. I remember this one girl from tinder who met up with me at like 6 PM on a Saturday and at some point mentioned that she had to watch the time because she was meeting another guy at 8 PM. Hoooooly shit. She was scheduling men in timeslots.

I don't spend much time trying to sort out all these dating mind-games so not surprised that things fly over my head. I think the main takeaway here is to stay off of tinder

Rod-138 · Mar 19, 2023

The great Frank TJ Mackey gave us a few simple rules that will catapult you to more successful dates.

The 14 day rule is easily the most simple and useful. If you really like someone and had a great date, then you must wait 14 days to ask them out again. You must be hard on yourself, do not break this.

Second is setting jealousy traps. Everyone has a friend or acquaintance that is really good looking. Let them know you need to use them to set a jealousy trap - make sure they show up to whatever public event your date ends up at - not a restaurant preferably.

Once the date sees that you are friendly with better looking women, she will get upset and then competitive to win you against the jealousy trap.

These are basic, but should double your numbers if you’re interested in psychological warfare. I know I know, you just want yo be yourself. Too bad! They’re showing up armed, you need to lock n load.

BrutulTM · Mar 19, 2023

Rajaah said:
Lesson of the day: If a guy chimps out at you and tries to fight, just sucker punch him in the gut as hard as you can and walk off. And as always, re-stomp that groin.

It's a well known fact that street fights are always won by the person who is willing to be the most violent, the fastest. That said, you should never fight for any reason other than self defense. In another dimension you sucker-punched him, he dropped like a rock, hit his head on the bar and 2 hours later had a brain hemorrhage and died and you went to prison for 7 years, or he saw red for the humiliating sucker punch, pulled a knife, and stabbed you in the throat. Violence with strangers is just a bad idea. The stakes are too high.

Borzak · Mar 19, 2023

Punched a guy in high school. He was talking shit and he sat down on a bench. Told him that was it. Got a little run up and smacked him right in the jaw. It was just like the movies. His head turned around and everyone went "ooooh". Then he turned and looked at me and had blood running down his jaw. Then stood up and walked over to me like nothing happened. So much for plan A.

He just shook it off like nothing happened and never said anything.

moonarchia · Mar 19, 2023

pharmakos said:
@Amod we might need to start a thread outside of Grown Up Stuff where Oblio and Khane can work out their differences and eventually kiss and make up

moonarchia · Mar 19, 2023

Animosity said:
These forums should 100% be where you don’t go for dating advice.

But where else would Foler go to find out where all the hot guys are?

Dating

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