Depression

Yes I had 6 lesions 5 years ago. From the new diagnoses guidlines you have to have multiple lesions in multiple locations over time. I had 6, 4 have resolved and no longer there. I had enough bands on my lumbar puncture, 4. But the MS doctor said it's not really helpful because if you have diabetes for X number of years it will show up. Been diabetic for 43 years.

I can't get neurologist at the same MS clinic to agree. It's been at least 75 in the last 5 years. I stopped counting at 75.

The good news I am better off than the first neurologist who saw me on the day of my first MRI. It was the worst possible day, looked like a typical MS sufferer that had it bad.

"You have massive brain damage. You will never walk again. In two years they'll likely have to strap you down in a wheelchair to keep you from falling out. I'll schedule a lumbar puncture. Have a nice day".

The only true MS specialist in this state (well where I did live) put it as MS and a very very mild case based 100% on just the first MRI. At the time I didn't fail any of the physical test, tandem walking, hop on one foot etc...

Told you. It's complicated. I go back again next Monday. Apparently it's not that common in the south where people get lots of vitamin D. More common in Canada and such.

I'll leave it at that and my skin is trying to kill me.

Specialist I've seen. Probably spelled wrong cause I'm too lazy to look them up.
Neurologist, internist, dematologist, cardiologist, pulmonologist, gastrointerologist, Rheumatologist. and probably at least one I'm forgetting.

I realise this in depression, but it's pretty depressing to me. Until now I was pretty hyped about the college and program I went through as far as being out of the normal bullshit you hear a lot about lately.

I'm pretty upset right now. Pretty upset is a pretty big understatement.

In college it was required all students in Forestry attend a summer of field station. The school owned dorms on the lake in the woods in the middle of nowhere. They had cooks and cleaners as such and classrooms. Breakfast was served at 6 cafateria style. Class started at 7. Class all day. Pack a lunch, eat in the woods. Eat dinner, late class till 8pm. Then time to unwind or do homework. But it was at least free since Temple Inland paid for all students 12 hours of tuition for it.

I just found out a female friend of mine who went a year after I did was assaulted. The details are kind of fuzzy at this point. I'm really ticked. At the time I worked for the US Forest Service that summer and was working all day minutes away.

She called me late one day I had just come in from work. I was 45 minutes away. I knew something was wrong her calling me from a pay phone. She called from the marina pay phone about 10 minutes away if you walked. She was pretty upset and crying. I offered to drive down there and offer moral support. I thought the caseload just stacked up on her. She shut that down quickly. I had a "cabin" maybe 20 minutes away that I lived at part time. I offered to let her stay there that night and have her back in time for breakfast. She shut that down. She mentioned it to me in a disgusted kind of way without any details a few times. I'm not sure why she picked me to confide in then. Maybe cause I was 6 years older than everyone else.

When I went it was 100% professional. People wanted to get done and get back to civilization.

I just found out late in the day she went and someone she still doesn't know their name but as a student attacked her. She says that it was kind of a mob mentality when she tried to raise concerns. The rest is kind of fuzzy. I know she changed majors and avoided that field entirely soon as she was done and back to town. People and visitors were free to come and go and it was next to a public boat ramp. She did mention a student and not knowing the name or not remembering. She had been a good student I would say in the top 10% of those at the field station and she totally shut down after that. Changed majors and eventually colleges. It almost sounds like some people knew something and did nothing.

When I went we had too many people so it was split. Half of us went to field station and rotated back to school the other half and vice versa. She went the full summer and said when she went there were only 2 females out of 60 students. There were probably close to 20 when I went.

I asked. I knew something was wrong. Why not let me come and at least give moral support.
She was kind of wishy washy and then summed it up. She knew if I had gotten involved I would blown my stack and someone might have died. I can kinda see that back then.

Pretty upset. I've never known her to cause any problems and in fact when she was in school I feel like I kind of protected her. Maybe that's why she called. It was tough for a women, not assaulted tough just tough. My wife went through the same situation toughness wise later.

I know this has been an incrediebly hot topic as of late. I didn't know what to do other than offer a little moral support. I do know "something" happened that was pretty life changing for her.

We have kept in touch now for 20 years off and on. Always good to talk to her and catch up with what is happening. Till now.

When I went the only thing that happened is one girl got partially naked at the boat ramp while 15 of them were out there drinking one night. She ran around and someone took a few pictures. I wasn't there I had gone to the cabin to sleep that night. She was kind of that kind of person. She didn't seem all that upset at the time either. That was the extent of any drama.

iannis said:

I get less of that than I used to.

Finally grew into my face. I assume I look like a narc now.

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Or a fuzzy kitten.

So my visit with the psychiatrist Thursday was interesting. He felt I had done a pretty good job thinking through the problem and definitely checked several markers for ADD (not so much hyperactivity though). He prescribed Adderall XR, 5mg and asked me to vary dosage for a few weeks to see what works (I understand 20mg is a typical starting dose for adults). I started in the middle at 10mg yesterday and noticed that, for the first time since I could remember, I could actually think about nothing at all if I wanted to. It's weird, but also feels 'normal' to finally have my thoughts under control. I checked vitals throughout the day and didn't notice anything too dramatic (HR went up maybe 5bpm, BP remained stable). Interesting I was actually able to take a nap and overall would describe it as a really calm feeling, so didnn't notice anything overly stimulating. It absolutely helped me take care of some chores I had been avoiding and I felt better having done that.

Today I'm trying 20mg to see what the difference may be. The only thing I suspect might be gained is a little more motivation / focus, but I'd rather not go too far at the cost of feeling a comedown or other side-effect. For anyone who has used this drug, does your typical dosing plan have off-days to avoid building a tolerance? I half-expect that to be a smart thing to do, but can also see benefit even using this 4-5 days a week since it will minimize the shit-show putting things off creates.

I go to the doctor today in about 6 hours. Hopefully a new anti depressant. Been doing some research on some anger management techniques. No secret I'm 99% on the edge all the time. The more I look into it the more depressed I get

Got cymbalta today. We'll see how this goes. Got out almost all day today. Some sight seeing and the doctor. Had lunch eating some bbq. I drove for the first time in 2 years. Went ok. Nobody died, that I'm aware of. I may head down do south, TX later this week and just poke around watching the deer as I'm pretty sure the rut is about to kick off.

Is she already nagging you so much that you need to watch deers fuckin?

See, that's the problem with waiting 20 years. She's got to make up for a LOT of lost time.

I would be doing it before I got married. Kind of a wash. I just live a lot closer to where I would be going now. Actually I'm coming out ahead on this one.

Bandwagon said:

I started taking it at 28/29 because I am always bouncing off the walls. I've gotten the nickname "hummingbird" at two different places for that, so it's not really self diagnosed.


My current doctor said he takes it as well and didn't used to take it on his off days. His wife told him "If it helps, why would you only take it at work and be your best self there but not at home?". Him repeating that to me is what got me to start taking it 7 days a week. Good decision.

I've tried the 10mg immediate release. Didn't like it because I could feel a real coke high for 45mins when it kicked in.

I went to 20mg time release and that was a lot better, but I still felt a little hint of being high and I didn't like it. I went down to 15mg time release last year and it's been perfect for me. I can't feel the effect at all, I'm just more mellow.

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The mellow part of it is weird to me. I have gotten the best rest I have had in years (6ish hrs a night, but feel great). During the day being able to process things as the come at me is weird. I feel like Neo when he learned he was the one.

No surprise here. I do anything and everything to avoid drama. I mean anything, For some reason I'm magically getting a decades worth at once, not related to my wife. I guess we'll find out of my new anti depressant is working. At least the normal holiday blues have never affected me at all.

A good portion of it is my fault. Note to self don't send out email when very very tired and no sleep.

You're terrible at hiding things became, you're terrible AND hiding things.

Long story short. My dad got the cancer. I bothered him about a second/third opinion, for ~2 years. I had major knee surgery #3. He died. Days after the funeral, someone tried to delete his Facebook. I get a ~dozen phone calls asking why the fuck I’m being a retard. I find out wtf is going on, utilize 25 years of knowing the old man, and reset every password he’s had. No one comes forward.

Cut to five years later, and I’m finally going through his emails. I now know who the trifling ass hoe is. I actual feel better about the whole thing, now.

I still kinda want to play shenanigans on them, though.

We had our christmas today instead of christmas day which is normal for us. The topic of the day was a pretty shit day for me. I felt even sorrier for my dad. My mom, my sister, my wife's topic of the day was my sex life pre meeting wife and post. I went to sleep and wrote some. I guess dad was happy he got pie. They wonder why people get depressed at Christmas.

My wife and my mom were "ok" together before we got married. They talked and tolerated each other. My sister very little at all. Worked out fantastic for me. After 20 years I say "I do" and now they're magically the long lost friends. Good for them I guess. Not so much for me. The good news is I'm going back to Austin next week. God I thought I would never utter those words in my life.

I don't know if it's change to cymbalta or some other things. It's been night and day the last few days. Not only did I not feel like I was trapped in a well I damn near felt good for the first time in forever. Two nights ago wife and I played like high school. We stayed up till 3am just talking and holding each other and listening to some music on my reel to reel.

Night and day. Today I got dressed, wore my boots which I haven't been able to in years. Tje boots felt like I hiad war carrying 50 pound blocks of concrete tho, I need practice lol. Went out shopping and riding around looking. Things were really good. I rarely if ever drive. I asked her if she wanted me to drive home. Nope, not her car lol. My truck she said she would have. Fair I never drive her car anyway.

I had to restart on the neurontin again to stop the internal vibrations which wouldn't let me sleep. Maybe that's part of it. I had got to where I rarely would wear jeans.

Good day today for a change. Almost felt normal. No pain and had energy to get out and walk the mall. Got home and I still feel kind of pumped up.

Edit - damn that was a kick in the damn nuts. When I dropped out of high school I never looked back. It's been 30 years since I talked to any of them, even when I lived in Baton Rouge for a short time. I've been looking up old friends on facebook and messaging a few and talking on the phone to others. I sent a friends request to one guy last night, we were friends in school, friends in scouts. He had a party once that got out of hand when his parents were out of town. His dad called me the next day and didn't chew me out, just said he thought I was better than that and should have known his son couldn't handle it. Too much drinking going on as usual. I think I left early before it totally got out of hand. I brought the beer, a full trunkload full.

I looked at another friends facebook page of his today. Memorial. He died 6 months ago. Got depressed in life, drank too much, ran off the road, flipped his truck. At least he didn't kill anyone else.

Hit pretty hard. I haven't seen him in 32 years, still hits. His facebook page is still up and it damn near looks he copied mine. All hunting and fishing and Waylon songs. Hit reall hard. Had a very good job manager in the field erercting a shitload of stuff that I designed or drew looking at his page. Never fucking talked to him.

Bandwagon said:

I started taking it at 28/29 because I am always bouncing off the walls. I've gotten the nickname "hummingbird" at two different places for that, so it's not really self diagnosed.


My current doctor said he takes it as well and didn't used to take it on his off days. His wife told him "If it helps, why would you only take it at work and be your best self there but not at home?". Him repeating that to me is what got me to start taking it 7 days a week. Good decision.

I've tried the 10mg immediate release. Didn't like it because I could feel a real coke high for 45mins when it kicked in.

I went to 20mg time release and that was a lot better, but I still felt a little hint of being high and I didn't like it. I went down to 15mg time release last year and it's been perfect for me. I can't feel the effect at all, I'm just more mellow.

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I'm currently taking Vyvanse for ADHD and it has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've struggled with hummingbird brain my whole life, and depression, but only really dealt with the depression until recently when I got diagnosed with cancer.

My psychiatrist also told me to take rest days as "I'm not a kid anymore" (I'm 46), but as a small business owner who works from home most of the time, but not for 8 hour a day chunks, it's been hard to know where good stopping points are. Especially as my ADHD is, as I now know, one of the main reasons why my wife and I bickered so much.

I just couldn't hold my attention to what she was saying or constantly talked over her. And my fuse was always super short due to being a constant spaz. Now, my reaction times have gotten much longer, and I find myself barely flying off the handle anymore. And as we work together from home, live together, we are around each other 24/7.

It's hard to not take it everyday as my quality of life has improved so dramatically.

Tarrant said:

Not sure where to really put this and I didn't wanna start a new thread.

I work two jobs and go to school as well. I'm going to school for Human Services and one of my jobs reflects that path. The other is a retail environment setting kinda that focuses on children's entertainment. There was a domestic violence situation there recently and I watched a woman shoot and kill a man. While I waited for police and EMT's to arrive, I did chest compressions on him (I knew it was useless) until they showed up to take over and pronounce him.

I'm having a hard time shaking it I guess. Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? I'm probably going to talk to some sort of crisis counseling that my work will provide...but I can't get all the blood, his lifeless eyes looking up at me and the sounds his body was making as I performed CPR on him out of my head.

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You probably have mild PTSD after subjecting yourself to that and should absolutely go through counseling for a while to help get through it.