Depression

Punko · May 2, 2020

I think you should work on being positive.

Many things aren't going to change, no matter how much time you spend considering them. So you shouldn't.

Focus on stuff that makes you happy and gives you energy, don't spend time on stuff you can't change.

It takes active effort at the start, but once you adapt it as your standard way of dealing with things, life is going to feel a lot better.

Tarrant · May 2, 2020

Punko said:
I think you should work on being positive.

Many things aren't going to change, no matter how much time you spend considering them. So you shouldn't.

Focus on stuff that makes you happy and gives you energy, don't spend time on stuff you can't change.

It takes active effort at the start, but once you adapt it as your standard way of dealing with things, life is going to feel a lot better.

given life at the moment, “positive thinking yields positive results” is a little (a lot) easier said than done.

Ossoi · May 2, 2020

mewkus said:
plus 2000mg of caffeine for the coffee twitch.

2grams of caffeine? lol no

Screamfeeder · May 2, 2020

Tarrant said:
given life at the moment, “positive thinking yields positive results” is a little (a lot) easier said than done.

This is very true. It can be almost impossible to just "be positive" when you keep getting kicked in the teeth.

How is your daily routine? Do you have a good one? Just the basics like showering, eating well, doing laundry/cleaning? One thing that I know was bad for me when getting depressed (and drinking myself stupid) was I would get into this chaotic spiral of everyday being a mess of what to do. I'd end up just using all my time on the couch, in bed or doing just...nothing while my little world crumbled around me.

Trying to keep a basic and relatively healthy daily routine has been very helpful for me. Even when I feel like just laying on the couch with a bottle, watching TV for 12 hours straight.

Tarrant · May 2, 2020

Screamfeeder said:
This is very true. It can be almost impossible to just "be positive" when you keep getting kicked in the teeth.

How is your daily routine? Do you have a good one? Just the basics like showering, eating well, doing laundry/cleaning? One thing that I know was bad for me when getting depressed (and drinking myself stupid) was I would get into this chaotic spiral of everyday being a mess of what to do. I'd end up just using all my time on the couch, in bed or doing just...nothing while my little world crumbled around me.

Trying to keep a basic and relatively healthy daily routine has been very helpful for me. Even when I feel like just laying on the couch with a bottle, watching TV for 12 hours straight.

My days are I work 5 days a week still and I spend a lot of time on the phone with my dad at the moment. He’s also having a hard time and he’s reaching out to me to get through things.

today I was off work so with the weather nice the wife and I went for a country drive, visited a few fishing holes to see if the crappy or bluegills were in yet and then got some dinner.

as much as I’d like to just curl up in the fetal position and not do anything, that would make me worse. I’m an outdoorsy person and need to be able to do that, which I am.

Screamfeeder · May 2, 2020

Tarrant said:
as much as I’d like to just curl up in the fetal position and not do anything, that would make me worse. I’m an outdoorsy person and need to be able to do that, which I am.

Awesome! As a very outdoorsy person myself I completely get that. I might have broken the rules a few times to head out to hills here in CA a few times just to re-center.

Also, this is going to sound fucked up toward your dad, but it's a good thing to have someone going through something similar that you can relate too. Too many times people just try and muscle through this shit solo. So your dad and you having a shared (albeit shitty) experience is probably for the best. Well, the best would be neither of you having a hard go of it at all, but you know what I mean.

I've always preferred Bluegill to Crappie. You get such a better hard fry on the Blue. Anytime I tried Crappie in the field, it just turns to mush.

Furry · May 2, 2020

I typically avoid threads like this because they are serious. Let me just say that a long time friend committed suicide almost a year ago completely unexpected. Life is a struggle, and I and his family wish he struggled on. We all go through the bad times, but it's easier together.

Tarrant · May 4, 2020

I dunno what to do anymore. I feel like I'm back against a cliff and if I take one more step back I'm going to fall. I ain't gonna kill myself or anything, I won't do that to my kids...but, I dunno, I feel like I'm not the same person I was two months ago and I look in the mirror and I don't even know who I see anymore. I won't go into massive details but here's a brief rundown of what I've been going through.

-We lost my sister due to complications with COVID-19. She was otherwise healthy, she just couldn't fight off pneumonia that set in with it. She died alone.
-We lost my mother due to complications to COVID-19. She was NOT a healthy person and had a lot of respiratory issues. She was one of my best friends, and she died alone. My dad is a mess and I'm doing what I can to be there for him.
-I haven't seen my two older kids in months due to the way things are in the world right now.
-I missed my daughter's birthday where she came out to her mother as being gay. I promised her I'd be there for her when she told me at New Years. I've never NOT been there for my kids, even though I live states away. She was really sad I couldn't be there and I'm having issues forgiving myself for it.
-My cat of 18 years (he's 19) probably has cancer in his stomach. His health is getting worse each day, but he's comfortable.

I don't know how to grieve any of it, I don't know where to start and as soon as I start to try, as soon as I let my guard down to try to, something else seems to happen. I'm told I need to talk about it, but that just makes me feel worse as I lose my shit when I do and feel 100x worse, and bottling it up helps me not do that, but that's not healthy either? I dunno.

I'm not sleeping at all, last night I got two hours of broken sleep, that's probably the most I've got in awhile. So I've taken do doing what I can to take my mind to other places and distract myself. If I'm at my computer I'm gaming. I'm trying to learn piano, which is going okay but when I get frustrated my mind wanders to other things and it fuels those awful feelings.

I feel like people weren't meant to tackle this much at once, but here I am, being forced into it and as I said before, I don't even know where to begin. At this point, I'm rage typing and bawling my eyes out so I'll end the post here.

Oblio · May 4, 2020

Tarrant

I know these are two very different things but I will try to relate them and see if it applies to you.

My depression stems from being sexually abused as a child. I kept it in as a secret until I was ~27. Keeping it in gave it strength, keeping it in made me feel like it had power over me, keeping it in made me feel shame. Talking about it and dragging it into day light weakened it's hold over me.

I understand grief and shame are different, however, IMHO they both fall under sorrow. Talking about it almost normalized it (for lack of a better word/phrase). I am not saying you want to be dismissive of these two major losses in your life, but talking about it until your exhausted from talking about it can help...well at least it did for me.

Keep fighting the good fight bud!

moonarchia · May 4, 2020

Tarrant said:
I dunno what to do anymore. I feel like I'm back against a cliff and if I take one more step back I'm going to fall. I ain't gonna kill myself or anything, I won't do that to my kids...but, I dunno, I feel like I'm not the same person I was two months ago and I look in the mirror and I don't even know who I see anymore. I won't go into massive details but here's a brief rundown of what I've been going through.

-We lost my sister due to complications with COVID-19. She was otherwise healthy, she just couldn't fight off pneumonia that set in with it. She died alone.
-We lost my mother due to complications to COVID-19. She was NOT a healthy person and had a lot of respiratory issues. She was one of my best friends, and she died alone. My dad is a mess and I'm doing what I can to be there for him.
-I haven't seen my two older kids in months due to the way things are in the world right now.
-I missed my daughter's birthday where she came out to her mother as being gay. I promised her I'd be there for her when she told me at New Years. I've never NOT been there for my kids, even though I live states away. She was really sad I couldn't be there and I'm having issues forgiving myself for it.
-My cat of 18 years (he's 19) probably has cancer in his stomach. His health is getting worse each day, but he's comfortable.

I don't know how to grieve any of it, I don't know where to start and as soon as I start to try, as soon as I let my guard down to try to, something else seems to happen. I'm told I need to talk about it, but that just makes me feel worse as I lose my shit when I do and feel 100x worse, and bottling it up helps me not do that, but that's not healthy either? I dunno.

I'm not sleeping at all, last night I got two hours of broken sleep, that's probably the most I've got in awhile. So I've taken do doing what I can to take my mind to other places and distract myself. If I'm at my computer I'm gaming. I'm trying to learn piano, which is going okay but when I get frustrated my mind wanders to other things and it fuels those awful feelings.

I feel like people weren't meant to tackle this much at once, but here I am, being forced into it and as I said before, I don't even know where to begin. At this point, I'm rage typing and bawling my eyes out so I'll end the post here.

Grief has to be processed, literally. It is going to take its own sweet time, too. Having someone to talk it out with, shrink or friends or whoever, will help. Don't keep it bottled up, that shit is poison and will make you toxic.

Sorry things are shitty right now, but you will have happy moments too as time goes on. Feel what you feel, and hug the ones you still have early and often.

Gavinmad · May 4, 2020

Tarrant said:
I feel like I'm not the same person I was two months ago

I mean, you aren't? Sorry about your mother and sister, that's a lot to lose at once. Almost as bad as losing a cat, which you're also doing.

As for your kids, missing your daughter's birthday (especially this specific birthday) sucks, but it's not like you blew her off. We're pretty much in 'act of god' territory here, so thinking you need to forgive yourself is just wrong thinking, you're depressed and looking for ways to make things your fault. I haven't seen my nieces since before all this began and while I won't pretend that's the same as not seeing your kids, the point is that there are a lot of people experiencing similar shit and you aren't alone.

And as someone who has coped with suicidal depression for around a decade, never underestimate the power of bottling things up!

Hateyou · May 4, 2020

Tarrant said:
I dunno what to do anymore. I feel like I'm back against a cliff and if I take one more step back I'm going to fall. I ain't gonna kill myself or anything, I won't do that to my kids...but, I dunno, I feel like I'm not the same person I was two months ago and I look in the mirror and I don't even know who I see anymore. I won't go into massive details but here's a brief rundown of what I've been going through.

-We lost my sister due to complications with COVID-19. She was otherwise healthy, she just couldn't fight off pneumonia that set in with it. She died alone.
-We lost my mother due to complications to COVID-19. She was NOT a healthy person and had a lot of respiratory issues. She was one of my best friends, and she died alone. My dad is a mess and I'm doing what I can to be there for him.
-I haven't seen my two older kids in months due to the way things are in the world right now.
-I missed my daughter's birthday where she came out to her mother as being gay. I promised her I'd be there for her when she told me at New Years. I've never NOT been there for my kids, even though I live states away. She was really sad I couldn't be there and I'm having issues forgiving myself for it.
-My cat of 18 years (he's 19) probably has cancer in his stomach. His health is getting worse each day, but he's comfortable.

I don't know how to grieve any of it, I don't know where to start and as soon as I start to try, as soon as I let my guard down to try to, something else seems to happen. I'm told I need to talk about it, but that just makes me feel worse as I lose my shit when I do and feel 100x worse, and bottling it up helps me not do that, but that's not healthy either? I dunno.

I'm not sleeping at all, last night I got two hours of broken sleep, that's probably the most I've got in awhile. So I've taken do doing what I can to take my mind to other places and distract myself. If I'm at my computer I'm gaming. I'm trying to learn piano, which is going okay but when I get frustrated my mind wanders to other things and it fuels those awful feelings.

I feel like people weren't meant to tackle this much at once, but here I am, being forced into it and as I said before, I don't even know where to begin. At this point, I'm rage typing and bawling my eyes out so I'll end the post here.

Maybe sharing it here is helping but small amounts so can’t tell? I’m no expert on feelings, I’m pretty numb/bad at empathy. I’d say keep talking about here, keep crying, and let time do it’s thing. Feel for you, that’s a lot of shit at once. Shit will get better, focus on what you’ve still got instead of the losses is my only advice. Stay present and engaged with your kids, cry yourself to sleep at night.

Oblio · May 20, 2020

Cracked Up: The Darrell Hammond Story | Netflix

"Saturday Night Live" star Darrell Hammond reveals the extreme abuse he suffered during childhood, a trauma that nearly destroyed his life as an adult.

www.netflix.com

So I watched this last night and found it to be raw and relatable. While my childhood trauma was not the same as his, the way the body and mind deal with the trauma is the same. It was surreal to watch the interaction with I am guessing his publicist or manager around 1:07 mark in the documentary. In my whole life I have related to anyone as much as I did to him in that moment. The visible anger and frustration from him is exactly how I feel when I am interrupted, especially by someone I am close with. It is something I am constantly working on and most of the time I am able to let it go, but when I fail to keep those feelings in check that is exactly how I feel. Again, it was so weird to watch in real time, I felt a major connection to him, I felt like I understood him and he would understand me, one of the weirdest hard to explain moments of my life.

This feeling has been resonating with me all day and I felt compelled to share it with you guys. Hopefully watching this will help some of you. Also, I highly recommend the book that was referenced called The Body Keeps Score, it is an amazing book for anyone that has experienced trauma.

The book is free when you sign up for Audible

Foler · May 24, 2020

Tarrant said:
I dunno what to do anymore. I feel like I'm back against a cliff and if I take one more step back I'm going to fall. I ain't gonna kill myself or anything, I won't do that to my kids...but, I dunno, I feel like I'm not the same person I was two months ago and I look in the mirror and I don't even know who I see anymore. I won't go into massive details but here's a brief rundown of what I've been going through.

-We lost my sister due to complications with COVID-19. She was otherwise healthy, she just couldn't fight off pneumonia that set in with it. She died alone.
-We lost my mother due to complications to COVID-19. She was NOT a healthy person and had a lot of respiratory issues. She was one of my best friends, and she died alone. My dad is a mess and I'm doing what I can to be there for him.
-I haven't seen my two older kids in months due to the way things are in the world right now.
-I missed my daughter's birthday where she came out to her mother as being gay. I promised her I'd be there for her when she told me at New Years. I've never NOT been there for my kids, even though I live states away. She was really sad I couldn't be there and I'm having issues forgiving myself for it.
-My cat of 18 years (he's 19) probably has cancer in his stomach. His health is getting worse each day, but he's comfortable.

I don't know how to grieve any of it, I don't know where to start and as soon as I start to try, as soon as I let my guard down to try to, something else seems to happen. I'm told I need to talk about it, but that just makes me feel worse as I lose my shit when I do and feel 100x worse, and bottling it up helps me not do that, but that's not healthy either? I dunno.

I'm not sleeping at all, last night I got two hours of broken sleep, that's probably the most I've got in awhile. So I've taken do doing what I can to take my mind to other places and distract myself. If I'm at my computer I'm gaming. I'm trying to learn piano, which is going okay but when I get frustrated my mind wanders to other things and it fuels those awful feelings.

I feel like people weren't meant to tackle this much at once, but here I am, being forced into it and as I said before, I don't even know where to begin. At this point, I'm rage typing and bawling my eyes out so I'll end the post here.

Tough one man. Wish I could be more help. I'd still encourage you to try CBT again. It can take multiple tries to find the right therapist that you jive with.

That's a ton of stuff to tackle for anyone. Take it a day at a time.

Can't remember if I mentioned this but I'll do so again. I don't really know you so I'm throwing this advice out there for you to decide if it's useful. There's a great book called "Learned Optimism." Tldr some people my nature tend to lean more towards optimism or be more pessimistic. A lot of it is how you interpret things in life. Optimism can be learned but even more so relearning how to interpret things that happen in your life can have a huge impact on your depression. I learned a lot about myself from this book.

Not saying your not optimistic or to be more optimistic etc (hence my initial disclaimer). Just trying to throw resources out your way for you to decide if it looks like something you may find helpful.

Foler · May 24, 2020

Oblio said:
Tarrant

I know these are two very different things but I will try to relate them and see if it applies to you.

My depression stems from being sexually abused as a child. I kept it in as a secret until I was ~27. Keeping it in gave it strength, keeping it in made me feel like it had power over me, keeping it in made me feel shame. Talking about it and dragging it into day light weakened it's hold over me.

I understand grief and shame are different, however, IMHO they both fall under sorrow. Talking about it almost normalized it (for lack of a better word/phrase). I am not saying you want to be dismissive of these two major losses in your life, but talking about it until your exhausted from talking about it can help...well at least it did for me.

Keep fighting the good fight bud!

Yeah. It's kind of like that book that's always on your bookshelf and always will be, right? It's not an easy book to read but the more you pick it up and read it the easier it gets.

Foler · May 24, 2020

Gavinmad said:
I mean, you aren't? Sorry about your mother and sister, that's a lot to lose at once. Almost as bad as losing a cat, which you're also doing.

As for your kids, missing your daughter's birthday (especially this specific birthday) sucks, but it's not like you blew her off. We're pretty much in 'act of god' territory here, so thinking you need to forgive yourself is just wrong thinking, you're depressed and looking for ways to make things your fault. I haven't seen my nieces since before all this began and while I won't pretend that's the same as not seeing your kids, the point is that there are a lot of people experiencing similar shit and you aren't alone.

And as someone who has coped with suicidal depression for around a decade, never underestimate the power of bottling things up!

What Gavin did here was exactly what I was talking about. Reframing the situation. We're in some funky situations right now with covid etc. It's obvious you would have done ANYTHING to be there and it seems like you've communicated that to your daughter. It was out of your control at that point dude, your intentions were all on point but you can't beat yourself up over this, it will literally get you no where.

chthonic-anemos · May 24, 2020

Tarrant said:
I dunno what to do anymore. I feel like I'm back against a cliff and if I take one more step back I'm going to fall. I ain't gonna kill myself or anything, I won't do that to my kids...but, I dunno, I feel like I'm not the same person I was two months ago and I look in the mirror and I don't even know who I see anymore. I won't go into massive details but here's a brief rundown of what I've been going through.

-We lost my sister due to complications with COVID-19. She was otherwise healthy, she just couldn't fight off pneumonia that set in with it. She died alone.
-We lost my mother due to complications to COVID-19. She was NOT a healthy person and had a lot of respiratory issues. She was one of my best friends, and she died alone. My dad is a mess and I'm doing what I can to be there for him.
-I haven't seen my two older kids in months due to the way things are in the world right now.
-I missed my daughter's birthday where she came out to her mother as being gay. I promised her I'd be there for her when she told me at New Years. I've never NOT been there for my kids, even though I live states away. She was really sad I couldn't be there and I'm having issues forgiving myself for it.
-My cat of 18 years (he's 19) probably has cancer in his stomach. His health is getting worse each day, but he's comfortable.

Perhaps a traditional family shrine is in order. Maybe some toasting or blessing to honor loved ones. People dealt with grief and meditated on their past just fine before effeminate outsider-isms(and now drugs) were huckstered upon us.

If your daughter has forgiven you then just aim to make it up to her. If not then deal with that before you lose any more sleep.

Tarrant · May 24, 2020

Dealing with losing my cabin due to flooding (

) hasn’t given me much time to think about much else but it put things in perspective a bit. Some don’t have homes now, I’m lucky to not be in that boat.

my daughter is fine but it’s just up on the list of things I’ve missed. No matter how great of a “part time dad” you are, at the end of that day that’s what you are, a part time dad. And it’s sucks. But I do my utmost best to be in their lives as much as I can.

Foler · Jun 27, 2020

Is this whole covid and anarchy bullshit leaving anyone else feeling a little hopeless?

Leon · Jun 27, 2020

right there with ya.

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Depression

Punko

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moonarchia

The Scientific Shitlord

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Mr. Poopybutthole

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Oblio

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Cracked Up: The Darrell Hammond Story | Netflix

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