Depression

moonarchia

moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
Barely any land, and their backyard is the tee box for the 10th hole. Basically I’d get a bedroom maybe 1/3 the size of my current one and a corner cleared out of the entertainment room upstairs for me to put my desk. Also one small window that doesn’t even have a sill for the cats to look out of. We’d all be pretty miserable, I think, and it’s not like I’d be happy about making them move all their shit around just to try and accommodate me, either.
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Well, the ADU thing was a long shot, but something I was looking at for myself a few years ago. I was looking into ADUs and tiny homes and camper vans. For reasons.

Are there any areas near your parents that you could afford with a job similar to what you had? Proximity is the big thing in order to be a regular part of each other's' lives at the end of the day.
 
Koushirou

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moonarchia said:
Are there any areas near your parents that you could afford with a job similar to what you had? Proximity is the big thing in order to be a regular part of each other's' lives at the end of the day.
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They know some folks who work at the Oak Ridge laboratory and will throw my resume around there. Probably not 100% similar work, but maybe will get lucky. Wouldn’t call it affordable there, but I’m sure there’s some other areas around Knoxville I could find, just hopefully not one too jogger-y.
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
They know some folks who work at the Oak Ridge laboratory and will throw my resume around there. Probably not 100% similar work, but maybe will get lucky. Wouldn’t call it affordable there, but I’m sure there’s some other areas around Knoxville I could find, just hopefully not one too jogger-y.
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We're all hoping the best for you. Obviously the well wishes of a few hundred internet assholes doesn't equate to a hug or $$$, but you're not alone.
 
ToeMissile

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Koushirou said:
They know some folks who work at the Oak Ridge laboratory and will throw my resume around there. Probably not 100% similar work, but maybe will get lucky. Wouldn’t call it affordable there, but I’m sure there’s some other areas around Knoxville I could find, just hopefully not one too jogger-y.
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They do some cool shit at Oak Ridge.
 
Haus

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Koushirou said:
Been doing a bit better lately, for the most part. Trying to just focus on the day to day shit and not think about anything else. Got some items knocked off the list as far as shit I needed to get done, like filing for unemployment, Medicaid, etc. Still a bunch more shit to do, but the list isn’t as long, now.

Parents came up the other week. Got to spend a bunch of time with them eating bad food and ice cream, going to the movies and a baseball game with them and my brother’s family. Felt much needed and was nice to get to spend that time with them. Parents want me to go move in with them for a while until I get back on my feet again. I can see the positives: rent out my house and just keep it as an investment while I get a new job and find somewhere else to live, be able to spend time with them often, save some money, etc. There’s a lot of cons, too; I need my privacy, there’s almost no space in their house for me or any of my stuff and the cats would be miserable there and I think they’d get annoyed with them pretty quickly. I’d also just started getting into the mindset of all the things I’ll get to do with my space once the husband moves out eventually and I don’t want to lose that already. Talked to my brother about it, too, and he just said “hell, no.” It’s an option if I need it, but probably going to try and pass on it if I can get away with it.

Overall, I’ve been in a pretty decent mood just spending time with friends and staying occupied. I do still get really down, though, anytime something gets me thinking about the future, or thinking about relationships, or just thinking about how long it will be until I get a hug from someone not in my family, if ever. I’m still not optimistic I’ll ever find someone decent that actually wants me back, but I just try my best not to think about it.

This weekend, the husband’s family came and took him on a trip for his birthday, so I was by myself for a nice 4 days. I haven’t had a home to myself like this in 20 years; no family, no roommates, etc. It was so nice. I was a little worried I’d start getting lonely or something, but I really enjoyed it. Got to blast music out of my speakers for once, watch whatever I wanted on the TV since no one else was using it, etc. Maybe I’d start feeling bad over a longer period, but maybe not. I really just need to get those divorce papers in already, lol.

Think tomorrow also ends the month of fuck-off time I gave myself before I go hard in the job search again. I did a little bit of searching and put out one app already while being lazy, but really need to clean up the resume still and get all my benefits out of that career transition service we were given when we got laid off. Still got about 3 months worth of funds without dipping into savings, so I hope I should be able to find something decent by then.

This turned into a wall of text, as usual, sorry. TL;DR: kind of doing better.
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That's great news! Good to hear you're making that forward progress, even if it's little steps at a time... That's what matters. Sounds like a lot of positive "you time" to boot, which is almost never a bad thing.

If not moving in with the parents a consideration might be if selling the current house would yield the equity to get you into a good house closer to family support (depending a lot of where the new job lands you), but that's another topic for down the road I would think. Just having the house to yourself once the ex-hubby moves out would, I imagine, be a big positive step.
 
Koushirou

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Haus said:
That's great news! Good to hear you're making that forward progress, even if it's little steps at a time... That's what matters. Sounds like a lot of positive "you time" to boot, which is almost never a bad thing.

If not moving in with the parents a consideration might be if selling the current house would yield the equity to get you into a good house closer to family support (depending a lot of where the new job lands you), but that's another topic for down the road I would think. Just having the house to yourself once the ex-hubby moves out would, I imagine, be a big positive step.
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Yeah, I'm super leery of selling the house, just because I don't want to lose that interest rate, lol. But all that of course depends on if I even get to keep the house or I get forced to split it, or whatever. We'll see. If renting it out is a thing, that'd be nice to just hold onto. This area is going to continue to blow up into another DMV suburb, essentially, so should only be going up in value. I don't want to stay long term, either, because it's probably just going to get shittier as more NoVA shitheads move here.
 
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Haus

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Koushirou said:
Yeah, I'm super leery of selling the house, just because I don't want to lose that interest rate, lol. But all that of course depends on if I even get to keep the house or I get forced to split it, or whatever. We'll see. If renting it out is a thing, that'd be nice to just hold onto. This area is going to continue to blow up into another DMV suburb, essentially, so should only be going up in value. I don't want to stay long term, either, because it's probably just going to get shittier as more NoVA shitheads move here.
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It would make sense to keep it and rent it with the mortgage being "cheap money" assuming you can swing something workable to live in. But I'd say to keep having the right home around you, and your sanity, above a good rate. ;)
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
Yeah, I'm super leery of selling the house, just because I don't want to lose that interest rate, lol. But all that of course depends on if I even get to keep the house or I get forced to split it, or whatever. We'll see. If renting it out is a thing, that'd be nice to just hold onto. This area is going to continue to blow up into another DMV suburb, essentially, so should only be going up in value. I don't want to stay long term, either, because it's probably just going to get shittier as more NoVA shitheads move here.
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You can expect to either be forced to sell and split equity, or you will have to refinance to buy him out or get him off the mortgage. So, that rate is gone, baby, gone no matter what.
 
Koushirou

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Sorry, feel like this is turning into my personal journal or some shit, so if it's too much just yell at me.

The feeling better didn't last long and last few days have been back to feeling like shit. Trying to stay positive about things is so incredibly exhausting and I'm already so damn tired that I just can't keep it up. Feels like anytime I start to make some progress, something stupid and shitty will come out of nowhere and just beat me back down and I just can't get myself up anymore. Knowing that I can try as hard as I can and do everything I'm supposed to be doing, the weight loss, a new job, getting away from the husband, moving, getting out of the house, trying to meet new people, a positive attitude, etc., and likely still just end up alone and miserable and tired just makes it that much harder for me to keep going.

I knocked some things off my list this week, but I couldn't bring myself to put any actual effort in. Updated my resume, but it still needs a ton of work, I'm sure. I threw out some applications to places, but I have no excitement for them and honestly just hope they don't get back to me. Nothing excites me anymore, at all. Best I can do is just shut off my brain and distract myself online. I don't have any dreams or aspirations anymore. Reading through Shitpost Saturday talk about how old people when they retire just sort of shut down and waste away sounded about how I feel right now, though I know it's not exactly the same. I just want to shut down, I want to just be at peace and get out of it all. I'm tired. It hasn't helped that lately I just feel like I'm bothering everyone around me. I'm usually super outgoing with my friends and will message them usually every other day or so just to say hi and see how they're doing. No one really says hi or checks in on me this way and it just starts making me self-conscious that I'm just being an annoyance and they're just trying to be nice. Maybe I just had weird expectations for friend interactions, IDK. Either way, it makes me just not want to talk to anyone since I don't like being a pain in the ass.

Sorry for the pointless and probably rehashed update. I'm still exercising, I make my bed every day, give myself some silly affirmation before I go to bed, try to accomplish something once a day, etc. There's always just this massive feeling of constantly being pulled back down and I just have no leverage to fight against it. I feel so fucking alone and scared and just tired. There's nothing to hold onto.
 
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Chanur

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Koushirou said:
Sorry, feel like this is turning into my personal journal or some shit, so if it's too much just yell at me.

The feeling better didn't last long and last few days have been back to feeling like shit. Trying to stay positive about things is so incredibly exhausting and I'm already so damn tired that I just can't keep it up. Feels like anytime I start to make some progress, something stupid and shitty will come out of nowhere and just beat me back down and I just can't get myself up anymore. Knowing that I can try as hard as I can and do everything I'm supposed to be doing, the weight loss, a new job, getting away from the husband, moving, getting out of the house, trying to meet new people, a positive attitude, etc., and likely still just end up alone and miserable and tired just makes it that much harder for me to keep going.

I knocked some things off my list this week, but I couldn't bring myself to put any actual effort in. Updated my resume, but it still needs a ton of work, I'm sure. I threw out some applications to places, but I have no excitement for them and honestly just hope they don't get back to me. Nothing excites me anymore, at all. Best I can do is just shut off my brain and distract myself online. I don't have any dreams or aspirations anymore. Reading through Shitpost Saturday talk about how old people when they retire just sort of shut down and waste away sounded about how I feel right now, though I know it's not exactly the same. I just want to shut down, I want to just be at peace and get out of it all. I'm tired. It hasn't helped that lately I just feel like I'm bothering everyone around me. I'm usually super outgoing with my friends and will message them usually every other day or so just to say hi and see how they're doing. No one really says hi or checks in on me this way and it just starts making me self-conscious that I'm just being an annoyance and they're just trying to be nice. Maybe I just had weird expectations for friend interactions, IDK. Either way, it makes me just not want to talk to anyone since I don't like being a pain in the ass.

Sorry for the pointless and probably rehashed update. I'm still exercising, I make my bed every day, give myself some silly affirmation before I go to bed, try to accomplish something once a day, etc. There's always just this massive feeling of constantly being pulled back down and I just have no leverage to fight against it. I feel so fucking alone and scared and just tired. There's nothing to hold onto.
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I know it's trite but the worst thing to do is give up.
 
Control

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Koushirou said:
Sorry, feel like this is turning into my personal journal or some shit, so if it's too much just yell at me.

The feeling better didn't last long and last few days have been back to feeling like shit. Trying to stay positive about things is so incredibly exhausting and I'm already so damn tired that I just can't keep it up. Feels like anytime I start to make some progress, something stupid and shitty will come out of nowhere and just beat me back down and I just can't get myself up anymore. Knowing that I can try as hard as I can and do everything I'm supposed to be doing, the weight loss, a new job, getting away from the husband, moving, getting out of the house, trying to meet new people, a positive attitude, etc., and likely still just end up alone and miserable and tired just makes it that much harder for me to keep going.

I knocked some things off my list this week, but I couldn't bring myself to put any actual effort in. Updated my resume, but it still needs a ton of work, I'm sure. I threw out some applications to places, but I have no excitement for them and honestly just hope they don't get back to me. Nothing excites me anymore, at all. Best I can do is just shut off my brain and distract myself online. I don't have any dreams or aspirations anymore. Reading through Shitpost Saturday talk about how old people when they retire just sort of shut down and waste away sounded about how I feel right now, though I know it's not exactly the same. I just want to shut down, I want to just be at peace and get out of it all. I'm tired. It hasn't helped that lately I just feel like I'm bothering everyone around me. I'm usually super outgoing with my friends and will message them usually every other day or so just to say hi and see how they're doing. No one really says hi or checks in on me this way and it just starts making me self-conscious that I'm just being an annoyance and they're just trying to be nice. Maybe I just had weird expectations for friend interactions, IDK. Either way, it makes me just not want to talk to anyone since I don't like being a pain in the ass.

Sorry for the pointless and probably rehashed update. I'm still exercising, I make my bed every day, give myself some silly affirmation before I go to bed, try to accomplish something once a day, etc. There's always just this massive feeling of constantly being pulled back down and I just have no leverage to fight against it. I feel so fucking alone and scared and just tired. There's nothing to hold onto.
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I have no idea about your friends, but you're not bothering anyone here. Things may feel shitty now, and they probably will for a while longer. And I know it feels like you're just going through the motions, but honestly, that's what progress is. You do the shit you know you need to do even if it sucks... because that's the only way that anything ever gets better. So seriously, even if it doesn't feel like it, good work. Nothing is ever going to flip the awesome feels on like a light switch, but keep doing the things you know you need to do and things will gradually get less bad. That may not sound like much, but it's the right direction, and that's the important part.
 
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Koushirou

Koushirou

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Caligula_The_Cat said:
You need to go out and get laid, and not a pity fuck to the husband. I’m not even saying that to be an asshole, I think it would really do you some good.
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Who do you think is going to fuck me if I could barely even get my own husband to do it? Sure, I can go advertise myself up on the incel forums and go be a piece of meat for a bit, but when all I really have left is my rapidly dwindling dignity do you really think that's going to make me feel better?
 
Cutlery

Cutlery

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Koushirou said:
Who do you think is going to fuck me if I could barely even get my own husband to do it? Sure, I can go advertise myself up on the incel forums and go be a piece of meat for a bit, but when all I really have left is my rapidly dwindling dignity do you really think that's going to make me feel better?
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I don't know if you're aware of this, but your husband is kind of a piece of shit.

Im not saying go slut it up, but get outta the house, meet some people. Online friends aren't friends.
 
Control

Control

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Koushirou said:
Who do you think is going to fuck me if I could barely even get my own husband to do it? Sure, I can go advertise myself up on the incel forums and go be a piece of meat for a bit, but when all I really have left is my rapidly dwindling dignity do you really think that's going to make me feel better?
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I'm not a girl, so it might not be a fair comparison, but if I were in your shoes (and male) it would absolutely make me feel better.
 
moonarchia

moonarchia

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Koushirou said:
Sorry, feel like this is turning into my personal journal or some shit, so if it's too much just yell at me.

The feeling better didn't last long and last few days have been back to feeling like shit. Trying to stay positive about things is so incredibly exhausting and I'm already so damn tired that I just can't keep it up. Feels like anytime I start to make some progress, something stupid and shitty will come out of nowhere and just beat me back down and I just can't get myself up anymore. Knowing that I can try as hard as I can and do everything I'm supposed to be doing, the weight loss, a new job, getting away from the husband, moving, getting out of the house, trying to meet new people, a positive attitude, etc., and likely still just end up alone and miserable and tired just makes it that much harder for me to keep going.

I knocked some things off my list this week, but I couldn't bring myself to put any actual effort in. Updated my resume, but it still needs a ton of work, I'm sure. I threw out some applications to places, but I have no excitement for them and honestly just hope they don't get back to me. Nothing excites me anymore, at all. Best I can do is just shut off my brain and distract myself online. I don't have any dreams or aspirations anymore. Reading through Shitpost Saturday talk about how old people when they retire just sort of shut down and waste away sounded about how I feel right now, though I know it's not exactly the same. I just want to shut down, I want to just be at peace and get out of it all. I'm tired. It hasn't helped that lately I just feel like I'm bothering everyone around me. I'm usually super outgoing with my friends and will message them usually every other day or so just to say hi and see how they're doing. No one really says hi or checks in on me this way and it just starts making me self-conscious that I'm just being an annoyance and they're just trying to be nice. Maybe I just had weird expectations for friend interactions, IDK. Either way, it makes me just not want to talk to anyone since I don't like being a pain in the ass.

Sorry for the pointless and probably rehashed update. I'm still exercising, I make my bed every day, give myself some silly affirmation before I go to bed, try to accomplish something once a day, etc. There's always just this massive feeling of constantly being pulled back down and I just have no leverage to fight against it. I feel so fucking alone and scared and just tired. There's nothing to hold onto.
Click to expand...
Yep, all of that is depression, so you are in the right place. Welcome back, sorry things are harder this week than last.

If being positive is exhausting, then stop being positive. That's not to say go be negative, though if that's what it takes to get the poison out do what you need to do. Taking full control of your self and your feelings sounds harder than it really is. Calmness and peace starts by realizing that all that worry about things you can't control isn't doing you any good. The universe is chaos. You got hit with two major life changes at once, but you aren't dead, and you still have a lot of things and people in your life that care about you.

Set aside the things you can't control. Get rested and relax (the recommendation of going out and getting your back blown out actually has merit on that front, or you do you in the messy sense of the term, that endorphin blast from an orgasm will relax you). Then focus on the things you *can* control, and just start taking them on. Diet and exercise? All you. Getting divorce papers submitted? All you. Getting resume updated and applications in? All you.

From where you are now, what are the most important things you want going forward? Make a plan, and make some backup plans. You are going to need a job first and foremost if you want to stay where you are now, but you will want to math the math on how much you would be paying when you refinance. Current rates are around 6.72%, so around $6.50 per $1000 borrowed on a 30 year note. Unfortunately, all roads after a divorce are going to require you to refinance if you aren't just selling and splitting.

If you want people to check in on you, you do need to set that sort of expectation up whether it's family or friends. You can always check in here if you want. Wood Elf Dating Sim '99 afficionados are a particular lot of curmudgeony assholes, but almost all of us are old, and have had rough patches in our lives. Bother the hell out of us. We'll either offer advice or gawk at the horrible humor of it all.

The dark times will pass. It's OK to feel your feelings whatever they are. If you are drowning in them, then let them go. Feelings are the antithesis of logic, so fighting them is like trying to punch the wind, or more to your point swim with weights attached to your legs. Traditional therapy would involve learning ways to channel that energy to prevent destructive behaviors, breathing meditation and emptying the 'self' allows you to find the source of the feelings and editing them however you see fit.
 
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C

Caligula_The_Cat

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Koushirou said:
Who do you think is going to fuck me if I could barely even get my own husband to do it? Sure, I can go advertise myself up on the incel forums and go be a piece of meat for a bit, but when all I really have left is my rapidly dwindling dignity do you really think that's going to make me feel better?
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Yes, yes I do think it’s going to make you feel better. Get online and swipe right for an hour, you’ll find your huckleberry.
 
Lambourne

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Koushirou said:
Who do you think is going to fuck me if I could barely even get my own husband to do it? Sure, I can go advertise myself up on the incel forums and go be a piece of meat for a bit, but when all I really have left is my rapidly dwindling dignity do you really think that's going to make me feel better?
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Yea don't do the random hookup thing. You need to get your self-respect up, and getting some random guy pumping & dumping isn't going to help any more than eating an entire tub of icecream. It's fun for the short term only. It's also external validation which is hollow and fleeting.

Respect is earned and self-respect is no different. You gain respect by doing the things you know you should be doing, even if nobody else is holding you accountable.

I recommend checking out some of James Clear's stuff, his Atomic Habits stuff is great. Even just following him on X where he posts the sort of subtle prods you need to get going again can help.

 
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