Funniest thing a girl has ever said to you in bed?

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Kulgan

Molten Core Raider
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My fiance once started humming a song while giving me a hand job... The song was "It's a small world..."
 
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MusicForFish

Ultra Maga Instinct
<Prior Amod>
31,453
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"Its' like I'm being fucked with a thermos...







again"



"These are my grandmothers boots. She's dead. I'm such a whore."
 
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Evernothing

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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hopefully she backwashed

That's beautiful man.
sb.png
 
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SuperStalin

Trakanon Raider
5
-12
this was a serious conversation I tried to infuse with some humor, but we both failed spectacularly

"Sex with you is the best I've ever had"
I said with a serious face: "all the women tell me that"
she said "But they're all lying"
Me: "So, you're lying too"
she: "No, I always tell the truth"
 
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Kiki

Log Wizard
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1,786
That's definitely something for the pre task plan.

I was in an open relationship. Started fucking my neighbor I knew from highschool. She was very aware I'm married. She's also a nurse. She says nothing and I cum in her. THE NEXT DAY, tells me she had to go get a day-after pill like it was a huge inconvenience that I didn't cum on her tits or something. Sorry bitch.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT IF YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING? Why wouldn't you want a condom? You are a nurse, you know better!

Did it a 2nd time.
 
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BoozeCube

Von Clippowicz
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Was with this one chick going at it doggy style.

Her "Come on my ass"
I hear "Come in my ass"
Sink it deep in her asshole and blow my load
She was not amused
I thought it was awesome, funny, and felt great.
 
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Kiroy

Marine Biologist
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Old and gold reddit post:

Not me, but an old friend of mine.

Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.

He's dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He's hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn't dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they'll revisit the idea another time.

Anyway...they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.

He comes up with: "Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?"

He's never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.
 
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Chanur

Shit Posting Professional
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I was in an open relationship. Started fucking my neighbor I knew from highschool. She was very aware I'm married. She's also a nurse. She says nothing and I cum in her. THE NEXT DAY, tells me she had to go get a day-after pill like it was a huge inconvenience that I didn't cum on her tits or something. Sorry bitch.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT IF YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING? Why wouldn't you want a condom? You are a nurse, you know better!

Did it a 2nd time.

That definitely falls under potential hazards in your PTP.
 

ohkcrlho

Silver Baronet of the Realm
6,906
8,940
I was in an open relationship. Started fucking my neighbor I knew from highschool. She was very aware I'm married. She's also a nurse. She says nothing and I cum in her. THE NEXT DAY, tells me she had to go get a day-after pill like it was a huge inconvenience that I didn't cum on her tits or something. Sorry bitch.

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT IF YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING? Why wouldn't you want a condom? You are a nurse, you know better!

Did it a 2nd time.
Anal is the answer pal
 

SeanDoe1z1

Avatar of War Slayer
7,198
18,543
I'd have to think a my personal one, honestly just more about encounters really. Remember my GF at the time trying to make up for an a shitty fight the night before. Promised she'd make me cum so hard. Went full pornstar mode for a couple hours. I was on a bunch of pain meds I neglected to tell her about so good luck on that one champ. Took it as a personal insult that my dick hated her for awhile.

Fucking at the inlaws house, wife gets her period midway. We actually stop and cleanup, but the room was pitchblack. We wake up to a dried bloody handprint on the side of the wall.

Friend had a crazy fuckbuddy and told me he was going to town in the back of his car. Started feeling a lot of blood and asked if she was okay, they kept going. He gets a next morning "that was a miscarriage i guess. that was really good lube". thefuck
 
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Ridas

Pay to play forum
2,865
4,109
Old and gold reddit post:

Not me, but an old friend of mine.

Really quiet, soft-spoken, polite guy. A total gentleman and a graduate student in the liberal arts. Also, pretty inexperienced, tentative, and vanilla sexually.

He's dating this really cool girl for maybe two months. She is much kinkier in bed. She floats the idea of dirty talk, and apparently likes to be objectified, even demeaned a bit, from time to time. He's hesitant, but wants to please her and doesn't dismiss the idea outright. Changes the subject and figures that they'll revisit the idea another time.

Anyway...they have sex a few days later for the first time since the conversation. Really going at it doggystyle, and she tells him to talk dirty to her. He says that he can't think of anything to say, so he says nothing, and she then repeats the request, but the second time she is not fucking requesting, but demanding it.

He comes up with: "Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?"

He's never struck me as one for embellishment, so I believe him. He said that was it for sex that night, although they are still together two years on now.

ZK682Aq.gif
 
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Sulrn

Deuces
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360
Pretty funny after the fact now, but in the moment it blew my mind how out of touch the girl was.

Had a fuck buddy relationship with a grad student. Pounding away at her with a good angle on her g-spot and watching her get close, she tenses up for a few seconds as she gets off, I try to speed up and change my hand placements to exploit her rough housing kink to try and prolong it for her but eventually I lose steam /muscles tense up and change to a more comfortable pace/position and she comes down mid transition. She says, "So I managed to get a really awesome cell stain on this cancer patients nodules today. I can't wait to show you when we're done. Do you think you can hold off for a second so I can show you, my laptop is right here." I'm thinking: Are you retarded? I'm balls deep, I don't want to think about crusty sores or vaginal secretion screens from your women's health research. Needless to say I'm so dumbfounded by the absurdity she takes that as an affirmative and rolls over and boots up her laptop.

Sad part was, for anyone that's taken micro - not only was the stain not visually stimulating, it was also a pretty generic stain and was only "awesome" in the "I have one more stain that supports my research" way. Boner was definitely dead.

Tangent story

We ran into each other downtown a few weeks later and she got drunk and asked me why I stopped sleeping over. I referred to that event and she apologized for it and wanted to make it up to me - so after getting her to beg a little bit I agree to giving her a chance at a make-up lay. Having a good time and getting into it (one of the few girls I've been with that's been vocal about getting me to play rough), she's still pretty drunk so I'm having a hard time keeping her focused or getting her keyed on transitions so I tell her "roll over, get on your knees." She's off in her world enjoying what I'm doing. So I back off and tell her again more forcefully while pulling her by the hair to look at me - she rolls over but is in such a hurry / drunk I eat a heel to the side of the face and little blood is drawn from the inside of my cheek/lips scraping teeth. Needless to say it was a bit hard to recover from that, but managed to rage fuck her into that bed then left.

Smart girls are so fucking dumb.
 
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