EDIT: The back story starts here - (click the Thread link in the top right to go to the thread)
Okay, here"s the deal. Shelly is pregnant, and I"m sure now that the baby is mine. The other candidate went to her OB/GYN with her, and through a series of simple questions was eliminated as a potential father. This means that if she and I both somehow manage to do the right thing, she will be a part of my life in one form or another from here on out.
This means difficulty. Her attitude is that either we be together as a couple or we can"t be friends -- her way or the highway. And the issues don"t end there.
The Bad
Someone asked why Shelly and I separated. The fact is, children at Catholic boarding schools have more freedom than I did while living with Shelly. Here are the problems:
- FoHGuild.org is a "porn site"
- Seeing a naked woman, even online, even by accident is "cheating"
- If I speak to a woman, I am cheating
- If a woman speaks to me, I am cheating
- If it takes longer than 30 minutes to find a job, I"m cheating.
- If I get a job, I"ll eventually lose it, so I"m not allowed.
- If she threatens suicide, uses abusive language, is possessive, is clingy, is jealous, is controlling, then people are to be told that I did those things.
- If I leave the house, I am "neglecting" her
- If I don"t want sex, I"m "sexually abusive"
- If her doctor orders her to not have sex,thishappens.
- If I use my computer, read a book, or do anything else without being told,thishappens.
- If I try to break it off with her,thishappens andthis-- all a mix of extreme exaggerations and outright lies.
- She seems to actuallybelieveher own lies, even when multiple witnesses actually present to see and hear events tell her that she is lying.
- If I spend two hours with a friend, I have earned two weeks of being screamed at.
- Weed turns people into thieves and rapists, crack does no harm (she has actually argued this, though she does not drugs and neither do I)
- If I support Prop 19, I"m a pothead and she"s calling the police.
- If I accidentally break something, I "break all her stuff".
- I can not visit my sons, they can not visit me. I can talk to them under her supervision only. I can not buy a web cam to communicate with my nonverbal autistic son. If I break any of these rules, I"m cheating with my ex wife.
- If she repeatedly tells her ex that her baby is his, while lying to me about it, that"s okay.
- If she says she will have sex with her ex or "somebody else maybe" if I don"t have sex with her, and after hearing this countless times I tell her that I don"t care, then Iwanther to do it. I"ll be honest. I really don"t care. I stopped caring right about the time I realized how jealous and possessive she is while she has certain double standards because I figured she"ll cheat anyway and I"d rather not care than be jealous. I never honestly wanted her to though, so I hope the sarcasm throughout this list is obvious.
- If she wants to go some place, I must pay the cab fair. If I want to, then it"s too bad.
- If I let her slide on $40 of her half of the bills, then I owe her $50.
- If I tell her to check our budget records to verify that I owe her no money, then I"m stressing her out and it"s my fault she had a placental abruption.
- Doctors don"t know anything about her syndrome.
- The National Library of Medicine contains dozens of published, peer reviewed papers about her syndrome and none of them are correct.
- Given the two items immediately above, if I research her syndrome to prepare for the 50% chance that the baby will have it, then I"m an unfit father and disrespectful to her.
- Everyone who goes to college is a "know it all".
- Everyone who uses proper grammar or spelling is a "know it all".
- Responding to her with negativity is harassment.
- If I say anything other than "yes ma"am," then I"m stressing her out and trying to kill her baby.
- If she threatens suicide numerous times with multiple witnesses, it never happened.
- Blackmail is not illegal for her.
- Theft is not illegal for her.
- Harassment is not illegal for her.
- If she loan sharks to her friends ($200 loan, $1500 pay back) on SSI, it"s not illegal for her.
- Men created all fine art because they wanted porn. The Sistine Chapel is porn. Every sculpture, painting, and work of literature from the Renaissance Period is porn.
- If she flirts with men online, it"s okay (despite her rules for me).
- If she looks at porn, it"s okay (despite her rules for me).
- If she has almost only male friends, it"s okay (despite her rules for me).
- If I ask her to, herself, follow the rules she expect me to then I"m controlling.
- If I tell my side of the story, then I"m psycho.
- If she replies to every post I make on every website I visit with libel, it is not cyber stalking nor harassment because she is doing it, but if I happen to make a profile on one website she visits, I"m "stalking" her.
- If she logs into my email accounts, and deletes every email ever sent to me including pictures of my sons, tax records, letters of recommendation, academic research, resumes, receipts, and correspondence with family and friends, it"s okay because a dating website sent me spam.
- To fix any of these problems, we must simply forget they ever happened so that she can keep doing these things.
- If I mention any of these problems to any person by any means at any length to any extent, I"m talking shit and that makes me abusive.
- If she blackmails me with throwing all of my belongings in the trash and getting my ex wife to turn me in for back child support to keep me from seeking work or leaving her, then she supported me and I was a bum who lived off her.
- It is a man"s duty to pay all the bills, do all the housework, do all of the cleaning, take care of the pets, run all errands, and he must do all of this without expecting contribution from his woman, without letting her spend any time alone, with no friends, without leaving the house for longer than thirty minutes, and without failing to obey any commands she issues.
- After breaking up, if I reply to a message from a woman on a website with no flirting or hint of romance or sex, I am cheating.
- It"s my fault if she smokes cigarettes, even if I quit.
- It"s okay for her to lock me out, but it"s not okay for me to do it to her after asking her to move every day for two months straight, and while she has numerous people to turn to and places to go.
- If all of my money is tied up in other things or I"m blackmailed into not working (before my SSA was approved) and she pitches in with food, she can deny me the right to eat but I still have to cook for her.
- She can smoke all of my cigarettes, but if I ask her for one then she can"t support my habit.
In addition to this list, check these out:
Item One
Item Two
Item two makes me wonder if she"s telling the truth now that she says her doctor has ruled the other guy out as a father. So far as my statement about her cheating with David, it would not surprise me and is entirely possible. I"ve heard from two people -- one my friend, the other a former friend of hers -- that there are two other guys who could be the daddy. The names they provided do not match (one said Nick and Brandon, the other said Chris and Jeff). Both have reason to lie about her -- they hate her. One other person who hates her who was a friend at one point backs up her story completely.
She is a master manipulator when it comes to sympathy. After all of this, after getting her to move out, after washing my hands of her, she called me sick from the hospital hardly able to breath and I was immediately sympathetic. How could I not be sympathetic of a pregnant, extremely sick woman who is not being visited in the hospital by anybody? Day one, I was the only one who went, day two her grandparents went, day three her mother and grandmother showed up. So, the impression I had that nobody was visiting -- an impression she encouraged -- was not accurate.
The Good
Now, having said all of this, here"s what I know of in the way of making excuses for her.
Her cousin, to whom she was very close, was shot in the head by her brother when she was young. She has every symptom of PTSD and refuses to seek counseling. Her mother, if she tells the truth about it, was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to her growing up. Her mother also dated men who abused her in these ways and physically (I don"t think she was abused sexually). She lost her virginity through rape. Her father is a meth addict in and out of jail -- he broke her ribs when she was an infant, abducted her multiple times, and was just barely stopped in the process of giving her meth when she was very young. Her only example of a healthy relationship is her grandparents, who also do not discuss problems or compromise where anyone can see and are not affectionate where anyone can see.
Her first marriage, from which she is still not divorced (April and I are not divorced yet either) was/is with a man who cheated on her with any woman he could manage to sleep with, could not hold a job, and actually did neglect her by leaving her alone for days at a time without even saying what he was up to. Her immediate relationship after that was with a man who she took in off the streets who would not work, and did become abusive when he drank. She left him for me. When she and I met, I had my own apartment and two jobs. According to her friends, she became more extreme between these three relationships such that I am bearing the punishment of their acts.
Shelly is very intelligent. She can do advanced algebra in her head without having ever studied it, ironically enough can discuss complex sociobiological, political (when she cuts the bullshit), and ethical topics in amazingly concise, simple terms with profound accuracy, and learns anything she is taught extremely quickly. None of this is a product of stupidity -- even that would be a weak excuse in her case.
She has also, at one point or another, attempted to correct each and every one of the items in the list above. She never attempted them all at one time, and no attempt was ever successful, but she did try.
She also has an incredibly sweet side unlike any woman I have ever known. I"ve witnessed her feeding the homeless out of pure compassion, babysitting for free to help a couple she did not like, she is affectionate to a fault, and she has a generally good moral code where parenting is concerned (in theory).
The Neutral
There was one day when I was verbally abusive, and I admit it. She was, very much so, as well. The only difference is that I offered her multiple opportunities to handle things in a more civil manner and she refused. That was the day she moved. A friend came over to be a witness to prevent false accusations and to signal me if I was upsetting her too much because she is pregnant. This one day, I behaved in a manner that the most slimey, ill-mannered, evil, venomous troll would be proud of, and I did it with the single purpose of getting her to move out after three months of asking nicely.
The Bottom Lines
Now, my side of this has been posted before. And deleted. And posted. And deleted. Many more screen capped pieces of evidence than I"ve posted have been deleted.
All evidence considered, this baby is likely mine. I would like to be a father to this child. I would even work things out with her, if it were possible, even after all of this. It is not my intention to be mean when I say that she needs counseling, likely meds. Her answer to that is that I"m the crazy one because -- and I admit -- I have bipolar, asperger"s, and schizoaffective secondary to asperger"s (I spent most of the first 25 years of my life in books, video games, etc because I preferred those fake worlds to the real one, and I don"t trust people as a general instinct). I submit that my obvious insanity does not exclude the possibility that she has gone through a unique set of difficulties under unique conditions and could potentially benefit from some assistance dealing with it.
Once I submit this post, it is only a matter of time before she finds it. I guarantee that she will start a shitstorm of drama, and I submit it for your amusement. Ultimately however, I am fully possessed of the will to do the right thing here, but I do not have the patience nor endurance any longer. I never thought I would see the day when I would consider forgetting that I have a child, but the thought has crossed my mind.
Holy Mother of Tomfuckery TL;DRHow to be daddy with crazy as mommy without ending up beat to death by rampaging rednecks or thrown in jail as a result of petty manipulations and lies? We"ve got the good, the bad, and I"ll leave out the ugly.
