Marriage and the Power of Divorce

TJT said:

Lol, no. It's the kid of the dude she moved out to Seattle for. A schoolteacher with two other sons from a previous marriage.

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then avoid like the plague

My wife seems to be the one that wants us to stay together at this point. I'm insanely torn. The trust is gone, her willingness to make it work appears genuine to the point she is asking me to use an app / track / whatever. When I bring up whats the point of being in a relationship like that knowing someone is "looking", her + her counselor agrees that is how we "build trust". I won't bring the diatribes I normally bring, but I'm not doing that. If I want to find out the truth I will always be able to, on my own terms.

I struggle with what I want because the reality of having my kids 100 % of the time doesn't exist without her and deep down I probably knew she was a cheater from the start, even though she was faithful for 10 years. We're both self-sufficient and the thought of being alone has already come and gone for both of us to the point we've already made arrangements if "the day" comes where we actually divorce.

I have resentment, bitterness. The same way she does with me. Pretending history is history and moving forward is such a joke whenever people bring that up. It doesn't happen that way. I left the door open because I have the most to lose and shes making genuine efforts but how the hell do you rebuild a 10 year marriage that was blasted into the stratosphere from both parties.


She isn't stalling or some gotcha from a litigation standpoint. If anything I am.

tldr i'm being pathetic because I don't want to lose time with my kids. and yes i agreed to counseling. this is the second time...but for "Reals"...whatever that means.

Deathwing said:

Did you contact that fucking lawyer yet?

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Yes. This isn't a new realm for me. My oldest step kid has been a custodial nightmare from the start and I've had the displeasure of being involved thoroughly. The realities behind what a court would order are pretty standard, we would most likely do a 50/50 3-4-4-3 type arrangement with healthcare firmly on my shoulders (Standard) with hard times on paper a verbal continuation from thereon

seperation isn't in order. if we're going to divorce -- we're going to divorce. that we agree on. but to build on what I posted, basically it feels like some purgatory where someone is suppose to drop down and say "you guys did it, you're a couple again!"

except that moment doesn't happen. so for others who have gone through this -- whats the natural outcome for two people who basically have done relationship enders, but want to try to make it work.


does it EVER work?

Deathwing said:

Why do you think she isn't stalling?

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because she won. everything that she wants she could have and she 100% knows it.

Like, maybe a bitter divorce could cause some discomfort -- but ultimately at worst she has to split equity of the house and move. She pulls the zeros where I pulled the bennies when coming down to a basic finances. Everything is already split as if we were separated and the only remaining thing to do would be kid arrangements. We've talked about this on the regular and she is far from your atypical bitter women. If we were to split we could do it amicably and I say that without rose colored glasses on, its a topic we've broached heavily.

We can't communicate properly when it comes to the day to day shit, but this we are on the same page...

SeanDoe1z1 said:

Yes. This isn't a new realm for me. My oldest step kid has been a custodial nightmare from the start and I've had the displeasure of being involved thoroughly. The realities behind what a court would order are pretty standard, we would most likely do a 50/50 3-4-4-3 type arrangement with healthcare firmly on my shoulders (Standard) with hard times on paper a verbal continuation from thereon

seperation isn't in order. if we're going to divorce -- we're going to divorce. that we agree on. but to build on what I posted, basically it feels like some purgatory where someone is suppose to drop down and say "you guys did it, you're a couple again!"

except that moment doesn't happen. so for others who have gone through this -- whats the natural outcome for two people who basically have done relationship enders, but want to try to make it work.


does it EVER work?

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no, it doesn't.

What kind of quack counselor thinks that putting a tracker on someone "builds trust"?

"Employees! We are putting tracking software on everyone's computers to monitor performance and productivity as part of a new trust building initiative!"

Khane said:

What kind of quack counselor thinks that putting a tracker on someone "builds trust"?

"Employees! We are putting tracking software on everyone's computers to monitor performance and productivity as part of a new trust building initiative!"

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this is what I thought too, i've only been to one session with her (couples) and it appears to be heavily on the christian theology marriage-by-might type advice.

I was pretty raw, but she definitely wasn't in the whack job realm entirely and it was obviously something they both talked about privately.

I too subscribe to the Orwellian version of marriage

SeanDoe1z1 said:

I have resentment, bitterness. The same way she does with me. Pretending history is history and moving forward is such a joke whenever people bring that up. It doesn't happen that way. I left the door open because I have the most to lose and shes making genuine efforts but how the hell do you rebuild a 10 year marriage that was blasted into the stratosphere from both parties.

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You have to forgive in order to rebuild trust. That's just the bottom line if you are going to continue to have a relationship. That means letting go of the resentment and bitterness. It won't be easy. Far from it. But it is a prerequisite. You have to decide whether that's something you are willing to do or not.

If you want a couple's counselor, you need to pick them not her.

If you want to rebuild the relationship, that's your prerogative.

SeanDoe1z1 said:

My wife seems to be the one that wants us to stay together at this point. I'm insanely torn. The trust is gone, her willingness to make it work appears genuine to the point she is asking me to use an app / track / whatever. When I bring up whats the point of being in a relationship like that knowing someone is "looking", her + her counselor agrees that is how we "build trust". I won't bring the diatribes I normally bring, but I'm not doing that. If I want to find out the truth I will always be able to, on my own terms.

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I went through something similar when I was pretty young. I got married in my mid 20s to a woman I had been with for years. I guess in retrospect, I had ignored some red flags, but our relationship had been really good. Just 4 months after we got married, her behavior started changing significantly and I had to put a keylogger on my computer in order to find out that she was cheating on me with a guy from her work. I confronted her and told her I wanted a divorce/annulment and she pleaded for another shot. Like an idiot, I capitulated and agreed to counseling, and monitoring her via phone was a suggestion that she really wanted to do because it made sense to her as a way to rebuild my trust.

But the simple fact was that I was never able to trust her again after that. I did not want to live in a "police state" marriage where I had to verify her location. If it was at that point, it was already done. The marriage limped along for another 2 years while she tried to rebuild my trust in her, only for me to find out she was sleeping with a guy on deployment with her (while trying to convince me it was time to start a family when she got back). I left and never looked back. People can recover from their mistakes, but they can be better for the next guy.

Your situation is more complex since there are kids involved, but you also sound like you are still reasonably young and have plenty of time to find someone new. I would hate to be deprived of a loving and fulfilling relationship just to try to maximize time with the kids. I think one of our jobs as a parent is to model healthy relationships for our kids, because it teaches them what to expect and look for from a significant other. You'll spend more time with them if you stay, but just consider whether you are getting any more "quality" time with them or if its just more time in general. If you go ahead with the divorce, you may find that not only do you teach your kids about what sort of behavior not to put up with, but the time you spend with them is more focused and better over all than just living in the same house.

I saw a good quote, I forget if it was in this thread or on another board. It went "Don't make your kids responsible for your misery." If you are unhappy and stay together just for the kids, they can internalize that and feel like they are at fault for their parents staying together.