Marriage and the Power of Divorce

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lurkingdirk

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So, a change of pace maybe...but some positive updates/news for this thread. Warning, I will probably ramble a bit.

So if anyone remembers waaaaay back to this thread's inception, I went through my first divorce. At the time, I had a 5-year-old boy and a 2-year-old daughter by the time it was finalized (which took a year).

For the next 14 years, I did everything I could to foster a good relationship with my kids. I would call them a few times a week until Facetime became a thing and then I would do that/ I would travel almost 4 hours' distance and see them and have them stay with me a weekend a month. Sometimes I would drive the entire 8-hour round trip twice in a 3 days span, just to be able to bond with them. I would sometimes go stay up where they lived for weekends, sometimes just going up for the day, taking them out to dinner, or a round of bowling or putt-putt and then drive back. Finally, after doing this my ex-father in law became to respect me so much and my effort, he pitched in and met me halfway with them anytime I wanted them. He is a hell of a guy and I can't express the gratitude I have for him to this day because of it.

Well, this last February my oldest son (19 now) asked if he and his GF could move in with me. I said yes under conditions. He would need to go to college or trade school, they would both need to be working, and they would need to pay the electric bill (I work in social services for a non-profit, I'm not cash heavy lol). They agreed and it has went really well. It was a very toxic environment for him at his mother's, he hated his stepdad as well. On top of all that, no one ever cooked or cleaned, and come to find out if he ever wanted to eat he would need to get Mcdonald's or something. A lot of other things were bad for him there and he wanted to be in an environment that was a safe place where he could learn how to be an adult, a direction he lacked at his mother's.

6 months later he is extremely happy, He's learned how to budget money, do minor car repairs, some minor cooking skills, and at his first full-time job he has been promoted to assistant manager in only 5 months' time (he also loves his job). He is enrolled at community college later this fall. While here he has also been seeing a therapist and became really resentful towards his mother because all growing up he was told things were "different" at my place only because he was visiting and after he would go back we went back to "normal" like how it was at his mother's. After being here a few months he realized that was a lie and was really angry about it.

Well now my 16-year-old daughter is visiting she has told her mother she wants to live here as well, and after much back and forth the last week, she has finally agreed. I will begin the enrollment process for her to go to the school down the street from me and her mother is bringing her stuff at the end of the month (two states away from where I live). My daughter cried because she was so relieved at not having to go back and says she feels safe and loves it here.

Reflecting back on the last 14 years, I was told by a few close friends that someday my kids would see the truth. See how hard I tried and how hard I worked to maintain my relationship with them. I never believed it honestly, but strove to be the best father I could be. Even though they lived with their mother, they've both told me all their favorite childhood memories were with me, which I'm so happy to hear as that's what I wanted...to build memories with them even though we were apart so much, and I missed so much. Memories they could have and think back on after I am gone and in the ground.

It stinks it took as long as it did...but I'm so happy right now. I never in a million years thought I would be living this life I am now, with them sleeping under the same roof with me for the foreseeable future.

For any fathers reading this, who are going through, or went through a bad divorce and didn't get custody, know that it can get better. It's a lot of work, a lot of heartaches, and a lot of tears...but damn it, it'll all be worth it in the end. It can all change in an instant. Last Thanksgiving my son came to visit and come February he moved in with me. Yesterday my daughter was just visiting for the month, and this afternoon, she's living with me permanently. I hope that anyone who is reading this and struggling with child custody is given some hope because if this can happen for me, it can happen for you. Keep working, never give up, never talk bad about their mother and just worry about the time you get with your kids and make the most of it. Before you know it, you could be the happiest man on Earth, just like I am this moment as I type this.

My man, this was the best read I've had all week. It's easy to say you must have great kids, or something like that, but I want to say something different: You made this happen because you're an exemplary father who consistently put the needs of your kids before your own. I take my hat off to you, you are someone to be emulated.

One business type question, does your 16 year old moving in with you full time decrease or eliminate any child support you may have been paying?
 
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Cutlery

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My man, this was the best read I've had all week. It's easy to say you must have great kids, or something like that, but I want to say something different: You made this happen because you're an exemplary father who consistently put the needs of your kids before your own. I take my hat off to you, you are someone to be emulated.

One business type question, does your 16 year old moving in with you full time decrease or eliminate any child support you may have been paying?

It would for me, I dunno his situation, I think his was fucking weird where basically he got fucked by the judge and no amount of fuckery since is gonna change it.

My marriage was dissolved and it was agreed upon to use the state calculator for child support, so if (well, when) my youngest decides she's about done with her mother's shit, it will swing my direction pretty rapidly.
 
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Srathor

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Giving Tarrant shit is soooo 2019. 2 seems like a low total for any sort of record, but maybe!
Animated GIF


Good to hear. Hope the road rises to meet your feet.
 
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Oblio

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So, a change of pace maybe...but some positive updates/news for this thread. Warning, I will probably ramble a bit.

So if anyone remembers waaaaay back to this thread's inception, I went through my first divorce. At the time, I had a 5-year-old boy and a 2-year-old daughter by the time it was finalized (which took a year).

For the next 14 years, I did everything I could to foster a good relationship with my kids. I would call them a few times a week until Facetime became a thing and then I would do that/ I would travel almost 4 hours' distance and see them and have them stay with me a weekend a month. Sometimes I would drive the entire 8-hour round trip twice in a 3 days span, just to be able to bond with them. I would sometimes go stay up where they lived for weekends, sometimes just going up for the day, taking them out to dinner, or a round of bowling or putt-putt and then drive back. Finally, after doing this my ex-father in law became to respect me so much and my effort, he pitched in and met me halfway with them anytime I wanted them. He is a hell of a guy and I can't express the gratitude I have for him to this day because of it.

Well, this last February my oldest son (19 now) asked if he and his GF could move in with me. I said yes under conditions. He would need to go to college or trade school, they would both need to be working, and they would need to pay the electric bill (I work in social services for a non-profit, I'm not cash heavy lol). They agreed and it has went really well. It was a very toxic environment for him at his mother's, he hated his stepdad as well. On top of all that, no one ever cooked or cleaned, and come to find out if he ever wanted to eat he would need to get Mcdonald's or something. A lot of other things were bad for him there and he wanted to be in an environment that was a safe place where he could learn how to be an adult, a direction he lacked at his mother's.

6 months later he is extremely happy, He's learned how to budget money, do minor car repairs, some minor cooking skills, and at his first full-time job he has been promoted to assistant manager in only 5 months' time (he also loves his job). He is enrolled at community college later this fall. While here he has also been seeing a therapist and became really resentful towards his mother because all growing up he was told things were "different" at my place only because he was visiting and after he would go back we went back to "normal" like how it was at his mother's. After being here a few months he realized that was a lie and was really angry about it.

Well now my 16-year-old daughter is visiting she has told her mother she wants to live here as well, and after much back and forth the last week, she has finally agreed. I will begin the enrollment process for her to go to the school down the street from me and her mother is bringing her stuff at the end of the month (two states away from where I live). My daughter cried because she was so relieved at not having to go back and says she feels safe and loves it here.

Reflecting back on the last 14 years, I was told by a few close friends that someday my kids would see the truth. See how hard I tried and how hard I worked to maintain my relationship with them. I never believed it honestly, but strove to be the best father I could be. Even though they lived with their mother, they've both told me all their favorite childhood memories were with me, which I'm so happy to hear as that's what I wanted...to build memories with them even though we were apart so much, and I missed so much. Memories they could have and think back on after I am gone and in the ground.

It stinks it took as long as it did...but I'm so happy right now. I never in a million years thought I would be living this life I am now, with them sleeping under the same roof with me for the foreseeable future.

For any fathers reading this, who are going through, or went through a bad divorce and didn't get custody, know that it can get better. It's a lot of work, a lot of heartaches, and a lot of tears...but damn it, it'll all be worth it in the end. It can all change in an instant. Last Thanksgiving my son came to visit and come February he moved in with me. Yesterday my daughter was just visiting for the month, and this afternoon, she's living with me permanently. I hope that anyone who is reading this and struggling with child custody is given some hope because if this can happen for me, it can happen for you. Keep working, never give up, never talk bad about their mother and just worry about the time you get with your kids and make the most of it. Before you know it, you could be the happiest man on Earth, just like I am this moment as I type this.
You kept hitting on this being a message for Divorced/Separated Dads. Truth is your message is not limited to just them, I am home with my wife and kids every night. I hang out with my kids every day in some shape or form, we have family time almost every night prior to bed. Yet, your post inspires me to dig for more time every day even if it is just a few more seconds. Good post Bro!
 
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McCheese

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You kept hitting on this being a message for Divorced/Separated Dads. Truth is your message is not limited to just them, I am home with my wife and kids every night. I hang out with my kids every day in some shape or form, we have family time almost every night prior to bed. Yet, your post inspires me to dig for more time every day even if it is just a few more seconds. Good post Bro!
Definitely. Tarrant Tarrant post hit me right in the feels, too. I've got a 1.5 year old and my wife has been sick and bedridden for a month now. So I've been single parenting this whole time.

Sometimes I just feel like skipping the bedtime book, or don't feel like I have the energy to play after getting home from work.

Tarrant went through all that shit and put in a million times more effort. I sure as hell can summon up the energy to read a book and play.

Good post.
 
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Aychamo BanBan

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Seeking opinions...

My female friend is married. Out day drinking, decide to go get massages. I'm pretty drunk. I finish up my massage, just in my t shirt and boxers, and go into her room where she's getting massaged. Topless, face down, half her ass exposed. She sees me, I tell her to relax, I climb on top and start massaging her and the masseuse steps out of the room. I just keep massaging her, lubing, and massage the half of her ass that is exposed too. It was bizarre lol.

How would you feel if that was your wife? Is that cheating to let your male friend climb on you when half naked and rub you down?
 
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Fogel

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Seeking opinions...

My female friend is married. Out day drinking, decide to go get massages. I'm pretty drunk. I finish up my massage, just in my t shirt and boxers, and go into her room where she's getting massaged. Topless, face down, half her ass exposed. She sees me, I tell her to relax, I climb on top and start massaging her and the masseuse steps out of the room. I just keep massaging her, lubing, and massage the half of her ass that is exposed too. It was bizarre lol.

How would you feel if that was your wife? Is that cheating to let your male friend climb on you when half naked and rub you down?

Ask yourself if you'd detail exactly what happened to her husband. There's your answer.
 
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Tarrant

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My man, this was the best read I've had all week. It's easy to say you must have great kids, or something like that, but I want to say something different: You made this happen because you're an exemplary father who consistently put the needs of your kids before your own. I take my hat off to you, you are someone to be emulated.

One business type question, does your 16 year old moving in with you full time decrease or eliminate any child support you may have been paying?

Thanks for the kind words. It's been a really long, and hard road.

With regards to support, that was one of the first things that was brought up by my ex. She has two other kids with a deadbeat who lives with her and contributes nothing. She's worried if I filed for support, she can't afford the payments even though she makes almost twice what I do (and if this was 10 years ago me, I wouldn't have cared). I told her I wouldn't file for support and at that point, it was full steam ahead. She had to sign off on it or else I would have to have gone to court (which I would have) but honestly, if I can do it with no court fees I'll just take the child support I was paying her ($670 a month) and pocket it as that's 2/3 of my mortgage that I can now pocket..and I'm fine with that. No fighting, no mess, and now I have all my kids...finally.

Began her school registration today and I am having an egress window put into my basement in a few weeks so I can build her bedroom in my current storage room I have down there.
 
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Tarrant

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You kept hitting on this being a message for Divorced/Separated Dads. Truth is your message is not limited to just them, I am home with my wife and kids every night. I hang out with my kids every day in some shape or form, we have family time almost every night prior to bed. Yet, your post inspires me to dig for more time every day even if it is just a few more seconds. Good post Bro!

Wow, thanks I really appreciate that! This whole situation is what inspired me to go into my line of work (I work with homeless and at-risk youth) and go to school to get my HDFS degree and eventually my MSW. That divorce shaped me more than anything else in my life and it really kicked into overdrive the last 5 or 6 years.
 
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Tarrant

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Definitely. Tarrant Tarrant post hit me right in the feels, too. I've got a 1.5 year old and my wife has been sick and bedridden for a month now. So I've been single parenting this whole time.

Sometimes I just feel like skipping the bedtime book, or don't feel like I have the energy to play after getting home from work.

Tarrant went through all that shit and put in a million times more effort. I sure as hell can summon up the energy to read a book and play.

Good post.

Gosh damn, that got me to tear up a bit man (nohomo). Taking care of the kid and wife isn't easy either, so well done man.

And yeah, for 14/15'ish years it was going that extra mile and hoping it would let me cross the finish line at some point. Now I have, and a whole new race awaits! :)
 
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Kriptini

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Almost three years ago, I posted in this thread about how I went on a third date with a woman and we talked about having kids and she and I were on the same page that it was really important to both of us. More dates went well, and we entered into a relationship, moving in together in February 2020. A few weeks ago, that relationship came to an end.

She was very smart, pretty funny, fairly responsible, and comfortable to live with. There were a couple things I didn't like about her - such as her hesitancy to spend time with the rest of my family and poor habit of mixing alcohol with her medication that she absolutely should not be mixing alcohol with, but these were things that I could look past because aside from those issues, everything was really good. Both of us experienced insane career growth during the pandemic and were making more money than either of us ever thought we would see in our lives. At this point, my goal of having and raising children in a place that had enough space for all of us seemed like it was fast approaching. I brought up the subject of kids again with the girlfriend but she seemed less enthused about having kids now than she did when we first met. She still wanted them, but she just wasn't ready yet, which seemed reasonable to me; we were both still young and waiting a few more years wouldn't result in any significant health risks or anything. But what she did want was a new cat.

She already had a cat from before we started dating, but with the money we were making and the bigger apartment we had moved into, she wanted another one. I was hesitant to agree, because I knew the stereotype of "millennial couple adopts three cats and never has any actual children," but as part of our discussion, she promised me we'd have one child for every cat. That sounded good to me, so we got the second cat in December 2020. But still, she wanted a third cat.

I was definitely worried that the stereotype was going to become my life, so I told her that as a compromise, she should foster a cat instead of adopting a new one. This worked for a little while, but in spring of 2021 she became a "foster failure" by adopting the cat she was fostering. We never really talked about it, she just went and adopted it and I didn't really know until I asked one day when prospective families were going to come by to meet him and she told me that she had adopted him, but that was really going to be the last one. I was irritated at first but eventually I cooled off, and we became a millenial couple with three cats and no children, though she promised me "one kid for every cat" so I was hoping that someday, I'd get to have the family that I wanted and she said she wanted.

"Two weeks to flatten the curve" became "two years to flatten the curve" and we were making even more money and looking to move into a bigger place. I suggested we look for a house in the suburbs that would be good to raise our kids and for the first time, she told me that she was no longer sure she wanted kids. She was happy with her current "family," she didn't want to ruin her body, some "Republicans want to control me" bullshit - all things she never spoke up about before. On top of this, she started drinking more, and about twice a week she would get drunk, beligerant, and pass out in some random part of the apartment. I tried to confront her about her drinking and she completely locked up - she sat motionless for about 30 minutes, eyes boring into the wall behind me, not answering a single one of my questions or even acknowleding that I was even there (some sort of psychological dissociation to avoid confrontation, I think). Not being able to make any progress on that front, I came to the conclusion that it was time for us to split up, to which my surprise, she was in agreement with. In the beginning of June 2022, I had started looking for a new place to live, but we were still living together in the meantime.

June 15, 2022. She had gotten drunk and passed out on a Wednesday night - part of her weekly routine. As usual, when I found her, I put her on her side, put her glasses away so the cats wouldn't chew on them, and put her phone on the charger so the battery wouldn't die overnight. Interestingly, however, I noticed she was on a call with someone. I hang it up, and the phone screen changes to show a text message with a half-naked man in it, the same man she was just on a call with. Curiosity got the better of me and I discovered this is a man that she had become intimate with recently. I thought it was pretty coarse of her to already be sexting some dude after we were together for almost three years and just broken up, but the messages didn't start at June 2022. I was able to scroll up to the month before. And the month before that. And the month before that. I just kept scrolling and scrolling and scrolling until I came to their first messages. This bitch had been cheating on me for a year and three months.

I screenshotted the worst of the messages and used her phone to send them to mine. I was livid, I wanted a confrontation, but she was catatonic and I wasn't going to get one. I went to the couch and laid awake every second of that night until the sun rose, wondering how or why this could happen to me. Eventually she woke up, and she came to see me, asking why I was on the couch. I told her it was because I found out she was cheating on me, to which she denied, and when I went to go look at the messages for proof, she had deleted them from the conversation I used to send them to my phone so I couldn't shove them in her face (I did save them to my PC though, so I still have them). She kept denying until I wouldn't relent, then she said it was "fake" and "didn't count," basically anything she could do to try to gaslight me into thinking I imagined it, and when I finally started quoting word-for-word some of the messages she had exchanged with this dude, she went into her dissociation state again and I couldn't get another word out of her. That day, I packed up everything I possibly could and left to stay in a spare room on a property my friend owns, (unfortunately my friend is not there as he lives in another country) where I've been since.

Nights are very, very difficult. During the day I keep myself busy because I've taken a second remote job (I'm doing that whole "overemployed" thing), but when it's time for bed I get an extreme feeling of dread. It makes it very difficult to go to sleep, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and the lonliness is suffocating. I'm working on buying a condo closer to where my friends live so I can have them close by, and that process is going pretty well, but currently I don't feel like I'm healing. Every night, it's just this lonliness that makes me feel like I'm simultaneously in a huge dark warehouse and a trash compactor.

I could post the messages I saved, but the absence of empathy or any form of self-awareness in them makes them more grotesque than the actual smut they contain. Here are some high (low?) lights, though:

January 2022, my birthday: We had plans to spend the day with my family, but I went without her because she was "sick." In reality, she spent the entire day sexting this guy. The whole day. There were hours upon hours of messages from this day.

February 2022: She told the guy that she resented living with me but was only putting up with it because I made the rent cheap.

April 2021: In the beginning of her messages with this guy, she talked about how her last boyfriend (the guy before me) was terrible, how he didn't want a family, and how she was the happiest she's ever been in her life. Hours later, on that same day, she texts him how badly she wants him to fuck her.
 
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Big Phoenix

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Absolutely sucks being kicked in the balls like that, your loyalty and kindness being utterly shit on in such a manner. Devote your life to someone for years and what do you get for it? Regret and trust issues. I wouldnt take it too personal though, you can be a great partner to some people and they will still betray you regardless. Its just their nature.

Next month or so will suck but youll get past it. You will come to realize this woman wasnt what you wanted(she was leading you on about kids) and while the cheating was horrible, you dodged a massive bullet. In time you will be free to find someone who is right for you.
poor habit of mixing alcohol with her medication that she absolutely should not be mixing alcohol with
This is why you dont ignore those red flags at the start of dating. They almost always turn out to be the telltale signs of bad things to come. She had substance abuse/psych issues and that was the perfect angle for some simp fuck to graduate from shoulder to cry on to dick to ride on.
Nights are very, very difficult. During the day I keep myself busy because I've taken a second remote job (I'm doing that whole "overemployed" thing), but when it's time for bed I get an extreme feeling of dread. It makes it very difficult to go to sleep, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and the lonliness is suffocating.
Get a prescription for ambien, that will knock your ass out at night.
 
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Cutlery

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It gets better. In all regards.

When you're a dude making good money, women come outta the woodwork to find you, you really don't even have to try much.

And some of those women will be retards or crazy, but some of them will be halfway decent and a couple of them will be worth thinking long term about. The important thing though is to not be afraid to be done with them, and that's what this lesson is all about. I wasn't sure how I was ever going to live without my ex wife. I probably didn't make enough to afford my house and my kids' lives would be ruined.

Turns out both of those were unfounded fears, and I took care of everything, made my kids' lives better in the process by showing them that there's a big difference between me and their mother.

It sucks now. It'll get better.
 
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Hoss

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Almost three years ago, I posted in this thread about how I went on a third date with a woman and we talked about having kids and she and I were on the same page that it was really important to both of us. More dates went well, and we entered into a relationship, moving in together in February 2020. A few weeks ago, that relationship came to an end.

First off, aren't you like 14?

Second, you should have been posting here for guidance all along.

Third, probably a mistake moving out. Do you own the house or was it a rental? If you owned it together, then she pretty much owns it now.

But, nothing that can be done about any of that now (other than to keep posting here in the future). Just make a clean break and move on.
 
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Springbok

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Seeking opinions...

My female friend is married. Out day drinking, decide to go get massages. I'm pretty drunk. I finish up my massage, just in my t shirt and boxers, and go into her room where she's getting massaged. Topless, face down, half her ass exposed. She sees me, I tell her to relax, I climb on top and start massaging her and the masseuse steps out of the room. I just keep massaging her, lubing, and massage the half of her ass that is exposed too. It was bizarre lol.

How would you feel if that was your wife? Is that cheating to let your male friend climb on you when half naked and rub you down?
Sup Foler Foler
 
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Springbok

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Almost three years ago, I posted in this thread about how I went on a third date with a woman and we talked about having kids and she and I were on the same page that it was really important to both of us. More dates went well, and we entered into a relationship, moving in together in February 2020. A few weeks ago, that relationship came to an end.

She was very smart, pretty funny, fairly responsible, and comfortable to live with. There were a couple things I didn't like about her - such as her hesitancy to spend time with the rest of my family and poor habit of mixing alcohol with her medication that she absolutely should not be mixing alcohol with, but these were things that I could look past because aside from those issues, everything was really good. Both of us experienced insane career growth during the pandemic and were making more money than either of us ever thought we would see in our lives. At this point, my goal of having and raising children in a place that had enough space for all of us seemed like it was fast approaching. I brought up the subject of kids again with the girlfriend but she seemed less enthused about having kids now than she did when we first met. She still wanted them, but she just wasn't ready yet, which seemed reasonable to me; we were both still young and waiting a few more years wouldn't result in any significant health risks or anything. But what she did want was a new cat.

She already had a cat from before we started dating, but with the money we were making and the bigger apartment we had moved into, she wanted another one. I was hesitant to agree, because I knew the stereotype of "millennial couple adopts three cats and never has any actual children," but as part of our discussion, she promised me we'd have one child for every cat. That sounded good to me, so we got the second cat in December 2020. But still, she wanted a third cat.

I was definitely worried that the stereotype was going to become my life, so I told her that as a compromise, she should foster a cat instead of adopting a new one. This worked for a little while, but in spring of 2021 she became a "foster failure" by adopting the cat she was fostering. We never really talked about it, she just went and adopted it and I didn't really know until I asked one day when prospective families were going to come by to meet him and she told me that she had adopted him, but that was really going to be the last one. I was irritated at first but eventually I cooled off, and we became a millenial couple with three cats and no children, though she promised me "one kid for every cat" so I was hoping that someday, I'd get to have the family that I wanted and she said she wanted.

"Two weeks to flatten the curve" became "two years to flatten the curve" and we were making even more money and looking to move into a bigger place. I suggested we look for a house in the suburbs that would be good to raise our kids and for the first time, she told me that she was no longer sure she wanted kids. She was happy with her current "family," she didn't want to ruin her body, some "Republicans want to control me" bullshit - all things she never spoke up about before. On top of this, she started drinking more, and about twice a week she would get drunk, beligerant, and pass out in some random part of the apartment. I tried to confront her about her drinking and she completely locked up - she sat motionless for about 30 minutes, eyes boring into the wall behind me, not answering a single one of my questions or even acknowleding that I was even there (some sort of psychological dissociation to avoid confrontation, I think). Not being able to make any progress on that front, I came to the conclusion that it was time for us to split up, to which my surprise, she was in agreement with. In the beginning of June 2022, I had started looking for a new place to live, but we were still living together in the meantime.

June 15, 2022. She had gotten drunk and passed out on a Wednesday night - part of her weekly routine. As usual, when I found her, I put her on her side, put her glasses away so the cats wouldn't chew on them, and put her phone on the charger so the battery wouldn't die overnight. Interestingly, however, I noticed she was on a call with someone. I hang it up, and the phone screen changes to show a text message with a half-naked man in it, the same man she was just on a call with. Curiosity got the better of me and I discovered this is a man that she had become intimate with recently. I thought it was pretty coarse of her to already be sexting some dude after we were together for almost three years and just broken up, but the messages didn't start at June 2022. I was able to scroll up to the month before. And the month before that. And the month before that. I just kept scrolling and scrolling and scrolling until I came to their first messages. This bitch had been cheating on me for a year and three months.

I screenshotted the worst of the messages and used her phone to send them to mine. I was livid, I wanted a confrontation, but she was catatonic and I wasn't going to get one. I went to the couch and laid awake every second of that night until the sun rose, wondering how or why this could happen to me. Eventually she woke up, and she came to see me, asking why I was on the couch. I told her it was because I found out she was cheating on me, to which she denied, and when I went to go look at the messages for proof, she had deleted them from the conversation I used to send them to my phone so I couldn't shove them in her face (I did save them to my PC though, so I still have them). She kept denying until I wouldn't relent, then she said it was "fake" and "didn't count," basically anything she could do to try to gaslight me into thinking I imagined it, and when I finally started quoting word-for-word some of the messages she had exchanged with this dude, she went into her dissociation state again and I couldn't get another word out of her. That day, I packed up everything I possibly could and left to stay in a spare room on a property my friend owns, (unfortunately my friend is not there as he lives in another country) where I've been since.

Nights are very, very difficult. During the day I keep myself busy because I've taken a second remote job (I'm doing that whole "overemployed" thing), but when it's time for bed I get an extreme feeling of dread. It makes it very difficult to go to sleep, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and the lonliness is suffocating. I'm working on buying a condo closer to where my friends live so I can have them close by, and that process is going pretty well, but currently I don't feel like I'm healing. Every night, it's just this lonliness that makes me feel like I'm simultaneously in a huge dark warehouse and a trash compactor.

I could post the messages I saved, but the absence of empathy or any form of self-awareness in them makes them more grotesque than the actual smut they contain. Here are some high (low?) lights, though:

January 2022, my birthday: We had plans to spend the day with my family, but I went without her because she was "sick." In reality, she spent the entire day sexting this guy. The whole day. There were hours upon hours of messages from this day.

February 2022: She told the guy that she resented living with me but was only putting up with it because I made the rent cheap.

April 2021: In the beginning of her messages with this guy, she talked about how her last boyfriend (the guy before me) was terrible, how he didn't want a family, and how she was the happiest she's ever been in her life. Hours later, on that same day, she texts him how badly she wants him to fuck her.
You dodged a major bullet here for about 15 different reasons. I get that it's hard, but she sounds like pretty much any urbanite 25-40 year old American liberal woman aka they are literally a $.10 a dozen. No big loss. Find a nice farm girl from a hard working blue collar family and put some babies in her asap. Your entire life will change for the better overnight.

As to sleep are you lifting weights? I sleep like a 3 year old kid lifting and going to sleep with magnesium supplements/d3.
 
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