Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Cad · Mar 9, 2015

a_skeleton_03_sl said:
It's all about what your goal is going into it where the stigma lies. People don't look down on a person because they started it off with casual sex, they look down on it because the entire goal for both people going into it was ensuring that it was casual so that both could bail but things changed. A lot of people see something like that and think that sure they got closer than casual sex now but are they really going to last at all when that was how they started? It's about the intent not the action.

How is that any different than meeting anybody anywhere though? Who meets people with the express stated intent of "I want to find someone to marry." It always starts off casual then you get gradually more committed as you get to know the person more and can determine compatibility. I didn't decide I wanted to marry my wife before I met her.

I'm not being obtuse I get what you're saying about meeting via an app conventionally thought of to be for casual sex, I guess I just don't see the difference in meeting that way vs meeting at a bar or coffee shop or social gathering. Its not like I come up to a chick at a black tie ball and say "I'm looking to get married, I just want you to know that. Can I buy you a drink?"

a_skeleton_03 · Mar 9, 2015

Khane_sl said:
I think people have a lot of ridiculous, arbitrary rules regarding what can and can't work when it comes to relationships based on nothing more than social forces.

I agree with your statement I just think it's old hat.

Definitely old hat but Cad is acting shocked that it happens like it's the KKK marching through the street burning people with the Tinder app on their phone.

Tenks · Mar 9, 2015

Khane_sl said:
I don't actually see the stigma there anymore but it could be because of where I live. Different parts of the country probably view it very differently.

Perhaps it has fallen off completely now. Remember my knowledge is about 5 years dated now. But even 5 years ago members of my extended family thought it was strange that I met my wife via online dating. Probably because we're both educated, decent looking and sane and their views of the online dating pool was just the dredges of society.

Khane · Mar 9, 2015

Cad_sl said:
How is that any different than meeting anybody anywhere though? Who meets people with the express stated intent of "I want to find someone to marry."

You'd be surprised. And a lot of it has to do with feeling pressured by the social forces surrounding them.

As to your other point, there really isn't any difference except that you can actually get to know someone a bit better before you meet them face to face when you initiate contact online.

Of course people are also able to lie about themselves online in a variety of ways that aren't possible in person either so you could end up wasting a lot more time via the online route.

Cad · Mar 9, 2015

Tenks_sl said:
Perhaps it has fallen off completely now. Remember my knowledge is about 5 years dated now. But even 5 years ago members of my extended family thought it was strange that I met my wife via online dating. Probably because we're both educated, decent looking and sane and their views of the online dating pool was just the dredges of society.

A lot of my extended family assume that either I found my wife in a refugee camp in the Philippines or she married me for a green card, so I'm not sure I'd put much stock in anything they say/think either way.

Cad · Mar 9, 2015

a_skeleton_03_sl said:
Definitely old hat but Cad is acting shocked that it happens like it's the KKK marching through the street burning people with the Tinder app on their phone.

Lets not ascribe emotions that I'm not exhibiting, "shocked" ? Don't be a fucking tool. I'm just saying it's stupid to assume you can't meet someone on Tinder. You're saying "I know it's stupid but a lot of people still think... "

So, you agree its stupid. Thanks, conversation over.

Khane · Mar 9, 2015

Tenks_sl said:
Perhaps it has fallen off completely now. Remember my knowledge is about 5 years dated now. But even 5 years ago members of my extended family thought it was strange that I met my wife via online dating. Probably because we're both educated, decent looking and sane and their views of the online dating pool was just the dredges of society.

I signed up for Match for the first time about 5 years ago. I certainly thought it was a little weird, and I only went on 3 dates. The first two were cordial but meh and the third one I ended up dating her and even living with her for a short while. All three of those dates involved talking about how unsure we were about the whole online dating thing and that there are a lot of weirdos out there. She even went as far as lying about how we met, which was absurd to me but whatever. Today that conversation just simply doesn't happen anymore. Nobody talks about it being weird.

Tenks · Mar 9, 2015

Cad_sl said:
A lot of my extended family assume that either I found my wife in a refugee camp in the Philippines or she married me for a green card, so I'm not sure I'd put much stock in anything they say/think either way.

Considering much of my extended family IS the dredges of society I give exactly 0 shits on their opinion on all matters ^^

Khane · Mar 9, 2015

Cad_sl said:
A lot of my extended family assume that either I found my wife in a refugee camp in the Philippines or she married me for a green card, so I'm not sure I'd put much stock in anything they say/think either way.

This is pretty funny. You're from Texas right?

Cad · Mar 9, 2015

Khane_sl said:
This is pretty funny. You're from Texas right?

Indeed

Tenks · Mar 9, 2015

Khane_sl said:
I signed up for Match for the first time about 5 years ago. I certainly thought it was a little weird, and I only went on 3 dates. The first two were cordial but meh and the third one I ended up dating her and even living with her for a short while. All three of those dates involved talking about how unsure we were about the whole online dating thing and that there are a lot of weirdos out there. She even went as far as lying about how we met, which was absurd to me but whatever. Today that conversation just simply doesn't happen anymore. Nobody talks about it being weird.

IDK there is a pretty common internet meme about meeting a woman at the grocery store is common slang for met her online. It isn't that strange for couples who met online to lie about it -- at least when I was dating it wasn't uncommon.

a_skeleton_03 · Mar 9, 2015

Cad_sl said:
How is that any different than meeting anybody anywhere though? Who meets people with the express stated intent of "I want to find someone to marry." It always starts off casual then you get gradually more committed as you get to know the person more and can determine compatibility. I didn't decide I wanted to marry my wife before I met her.

I'm not being obtuse I get what you're saying about meeting via an app conventionally thought of to be for casual sex, I guess I just don't see the difference in meeting that way vs meeting at a bar or coffee shop or social gathering. Its not like I come up to a chick at a black tie ball and say "I'm looking to get married, I just want you to know that. Can I buy you a drink?"

It's about intent.

I go to a bar to have fun and pick up chicks. One thing leads to another and we hit it off. We might have sex or we might not and we might end up married that night or 12 years. My intent can be colored by my desire for sex but it isn't my announced intent and it isn't her announced intent. I am also intrinsically stating that I am open to a further relationship if it works out.

The difference between that and an app is that with the app you chat a little and go through a checklist of questions maybe to gauge your comfort and compatibility level. You then schedule a time to meet up to verify attractiveness and basic chemistry. You then hopefully go and have sex. That is all that is expected and you both know it and you go into it with an implied contract of "in the morning we walk away if we even sleep over". Both people are stating that is their goal. If something else happens it is a rarity.

The bar scene and dating like that is most definitely with the end goal of at least a relationship. The tinder scene is most definitely the end goal of your dick getting bodily fluids on it and anything else is an accident.

Tenks · Mar 9, 2015

I've never used Tinder personally but you may be painting a broad stroke on it's client base. I know a few friends of my wife who have been on Tinder and neither one of them are into casual hookups and are all about long relationships.

Alex · Mar 9, 2015

Yeah, that was more of my point. Tinder is something typically used around midnight while at a bar. It's a very casual form of online dating. Not talking about Match or OKC or anything.

Khane · Mar 9, 2015

a_skeleton_03_sl said:
It's about intent.

I go to a bar to have fun and pick up chicks. One thing leads to another and we hit it off. We might have sex or we might not and we might end up married that night or 12 years. My intent can be colored by my desire for sex but it isn't my announced intent and it isn't her announced intent. I am also intrinsically stating that I am open to a further relationship if it works out.

The difference between that and an app is that with the app you chat a little and go through a checklist of questions maybe to gauge your comfort and compatibility level. You then schedule a time to meet up to verify attractiveness and basic chemistry. You then hopefully go and have sex. That is all that is expected and you both know it and you go into it with an implied contract of "in the morning we walk away if we even sleep over". Both people are stating that is their goal. If something else happens it is a rarity.

The bar scene and dating like that is most definitely with the end goal of at least a relationship. The tinder scene is most definitely the end goal of your dick getting bodily fluids on it and anything else is an accident.

Here is how a conversation I had on Tinder when I was in Portland went:

Her: "Hey, so you're from CT huh? I'm about to go to my favorite bar, have a martini and make bad decisions. Care to join me?"

That was it. After we both swiped right she just went for it. And that is typically how it's gone on Tinder for me. So I can see why people say it's a hookup app but honestly it's not much different than all the other dating sites, people just don't give into the pageantry of trying to hide wanting to get laid on Tinder because everyone knows why the other person is there.

a_skeleton_03 · Mar 9, 2015

Tenks_sl said:
I've never used Tinder personally but you may be painting a broad stroke on it's client base. I know a few friends of my wife who have been on Tinder and neither one of them are into casual hookups and are all about long relationships.

That is why it was made. Whether people are utilizing it for other things now? Different story.

People use match.com for casual sex also and it's not quite it's design.

Soygen · Mar 9, 2015

I met my girlfriend at 4th of July BBQ on the beach. However, I met all my friends on the internet. Right, guys? Guys?

Tenks · Mar 9, 2015

I've always viewed Tinder as the anti-eHarmony. Where eHarmony tries to make love and attraction this scientific formula Tinder goes the complete opposite direction where love and attraction is (at least at first) purely a physical response. So they get rid of long, tedious profiles and instead build a framework where the first question you ask is "Is this person attractive to me?" Which, honestly, is the first question probably 90% of males on online dating sites ask anyways. Tinder just doesn't even try and cover it up. Which probably gives this outsider-looking-in stigma of "only for hookups, purely physical" but I doubt it is much different than a traditional online dating site it just removes all the fluff or (as Khane said) pageantry of online dating. Possibly because now meeting people online isn't seen as "This guy is 100% a serial killer" so you don't need 3 paragraphs to explain how you are not a serial killer.

Noodleface · Mar 9, 2015

Wait, I actually did meet my wife at a grocery store, but we were both working there. So did I meet my wife online? Was only one of us online? Red or blue?

radditsu · Mar 9, 2015

I met my wife online. Everyone who asks me "Where did you meet your wife?" I answer "online" then i get this weird stare like I am a mythical creature. We matched 99% on OK cupid and I took a shot. Who fucking cares?

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