Marriage and the Power of Divorce
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Kriptini
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Marriage has a lot of religious significance to me, and if I ever married, I hope it would be to someone who also finds a lot of religious significance in marriage, rather than someone who wants to do it just because it's popular.
But we don't live in my ideal world. In any case, I don't think gay Christian couples should be discouraged from getting married, because even though it's a sin, God is forgiving, and a marriage between two people with God at the center - gay or straight - is great for spiritual growth and holding each other accountable.
Gays probably shouldn't be able to be "married" in the Christian context. The problem is that the state and the church share the word. In my ideal world, there are "marriages" and "civil unions" which are completely exclusive from each other. A secular couple would get a civil union with the state (which would grant them all of the privileges that are offered to married couples in the real world by the state) but would not get "married" because they're not religious. A Christian couple would get "married," but if they want to benefit from the government's benefits to committed couples, they would also need to get a state-recognized civil union. "Marriage" would not grant any government benefits because it would be ordained by pastors only and be completely separate from the government..
But we don't live in my ideal world. In any case, I don't think gay Christian couples should be discouraged from getting married, because even though it's a sin, God is forgiving, and a marriage between two people with God at the center - gay or straight - is great for spiritual growth and holding each other accountable.
Like I said government recognition of marriage is stupid, I did not have that stance at 19 when I married. I do now and have for several years. That is exactly what I have said here for years during the marriage debate. Keep up.
Kriptini
Vyemm Raider
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I don't know his full opinion on it but I have a feeling I'm in agreement with him.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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Thanks. The process is still ongoing. We don't talk much, more so because of her than myself. Much of my stuff is still at her place and currently we have a documented agreement in place that has my son staying at both places (I work nights 5 days a week) where it won't impact custody decision making. Everything has been documented that needs to be in that regard.
For now she's secluded into herself, she missed a week of work because she was too depressed to work and didn't manage to lose her job. Part of me hoped she would have, it would have made things much easier.
At any rate, things are progressing slowly but progressing. I'm out, though I sleep on the couch one night a week due to my 5 year olds request while he acclimates to things. He has a hard time with change and this is about as drastic of a change as he can encounter.
In the mean time, I've taken up residence at a friends place, once spring hits I'll look into getting my own place.
This is the most I've talked about it with anyone other than my lawyer really. I'm still having issues dealing with how hurt my kids were and how confused my youngest is at the moment. Even typing about it is pretty hard on me.
Daelos
Guarding the guardians
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Dealing with how the fallout from our failed relationships hurt our kids, is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. My kids were 4 and 6 at the time, and that is almost 5 years ago, and I still want to punch their mother for causing them this pain.
But: You are now in a position to build yourself a new life, with a new structure, your values and in time a loving relationship. Growing up in this framework will have a profoundly positive impact on the kids. If they grew up never having seen what may be, they would end up copying the patterns of the damaged relationship you just got out of. Now they have a chance.
But: You are now in a position to build yourself a new life, with a new structure, your values and in time a loving relationship. Growing up in this framework will have a profoundly positive impact on the kids. If they grew up never having seen what may be, they would end up copying the patterns of the damaged relationship you just got out of. Now they have a chance.
Famm
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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I know its fucking hard Tarrant but you have to get this part over with. Don't be tempted to take the path of least resistance and fall back into it, not that I'm expecting you to. Just saying in the long run you're better off doing this sooner than later. Probably should have done it before now, but I get that too. Don't let her try to talk you out of it with bullshit either, she's never going to be a decent person and even if there's a chance for her to get better its not worth making yourself miserable on that chance.
Damn Tarrant, that sounds rough but hang in there. As an unelected and unsolicited representative member of the rerolled community I would like to formally provide you the allowance to be a shitty mod without chastisement for at least the next month.
Namon
Blackwing Lair Raider
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I had thought you had a child with that wife, but you didn't mention him in the story. Thoughts and prayers to you and your children during this tough time, that is for sure. I read these stories and I have to say, I would have no idea what to do as I was one of the lucky ones and had parents who never divorced (and mostly got along), and I'm still all in after 10 years.
Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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Yeah, it's pretty angering though now I feel more sorrow over it that anger as well as disappointment in myself. The look of heartbreak that was on my sons face when it happened is something that will be burned into my brain for the rest of my life. My job is to protect my children and provide them a safe, nurturing environment and to ensure this exact thing doesn't happen. I failed them in that, totally and it's something I'm struggling with very much right now where I'm so ashamed that I'm even having a hard time talking to them on the phone, I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself for it.
No, I won't be. I wanted to be able to look back at things and say I tried everything I could to make it work. you'r erigh tit should have happened sooner, that's a mistake I now have to live with.
Thanks, much like being a shitty mod, I'm also a shitty father. Hopefully I can someday not be.
I did, we have a 5 year old together. He is semi special needs and does not handle change very well so I stay over there one night a week on the couch, tonight actually.
Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
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Yeah, this is what happens pretty frequently with us as well. It isn't even so much that I dislike company/interaction, it's just that I'm perfectly content doing things by myself, and sometimes I just want to be left the fuck alone. She interprets this as selfish, uncaring, unloving, etc., but like I try to explain, I don't interact withanyoneat times.
Shit, when we were living in Beaverton, there were times I'd take the hour or so to drive to Arch Cape and just sit on the beach for hours, by myself. We also spent plenty of beach trips together, but there were times I just needed some fucking solitude. It wasn't because I didn't love her, or didn't care, but I just wanted some time to reflect on life and the Oregon coast is my absolute "zen" zone (I miss it like hell). I mean, this is a pretty typical interaction when it comes to doing "stuff"...
Me: "Hey, babe. I'm going to go do X. You're more than welcome to come, but I don't think it's really you're thing and you're probably going to be bored. But, you're more than welcome to come..
Her: *reluctance on her voice* "Yeah, I'll go.."
Me: "You sure? Seriously, it's not a big deal if you'd rather just stay home.."
Her: "I'll come.."
We'd go, she'd not be very interactive, then on the ride home it'd be nonstop complaining about how that wasn't her thing, she shouldn't have gone, next time she doesn't care if I just go by myself, etc. Obviously, this usually led to some sort of argument, ending in me bitching about "space". She'd relax for a while, long enough for the following to happen..
Me: "Hey, babe. I'm going to go do X again. You hate going, so I'm going to go do X by myself.."
Her: "Ok, I want you to have fun! Bye!"
A number of hours later, when I got home, she'd be pouting in her room about how I'm selfish, I'd rather spend time with X or doing Y instead of with her, blah blah blah. It's a losing game and I'm reaching my breaking point.
Now, ahugepart of the problem is her lack of hobbies, but she hasn't shown any real interest in developing/discovering her own and I'll be goddamned if I'm dragging her along on mine - almost all of which she hates or sucks at. Prior LTRs I've had also weren't as codependent either, but my past relationships havealwaysdevolved into some sort of version of this scenario. Girls telling me that I'm "distant", not "caring", "selfish", etc. And you know what? I'm perfectly willing to admit that it's a very real possibility that I'm all of those things and just not cut out for a relationship, but it'll be a cold fucking day in hell when I give up everything that makes me.."me". It's hilarious that women fall in love with the person that youare, yet spend a lifetime trying to change the very same qualities they fell in love with. Then, they're shocked when things aren't working out anymore.
Originally, I thought maybe this was all a result of my standards being "too high" and "hot bitches be crazy". The thing is, I've downgraded in the looks department on every subsequent LTR and it doesn't ever seem to change. In some cases, the "uglier" chicks can be an entirely different hassle, because they come with more self-esteem issues.
Noodleface
A Mod Real Quick
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Female manipulation - they all do that shit to varying degrees. You have to find the one that does it the least tolerable amount to you.
I decided to go to a concert this saturday. For some background, I listen to death metal. I took my wife to a single concert before and two things happened: 1) Every dude stared at her with rape eyes because female, and 2) she hated the music. When I initially told her I was going to go she pulled the "go ahead, it's fine", but you know - withthattone. Finally I explained she'd end up hating it and she agreed, but I can see where other women wouldn't relent and you'd end up having to take them and protect them from guys visually raping them.
My brother's wife is notorious for this shit. We hosted a saturday game night for a few years and she'd always want to come, but the whole time would complain "this is stupid", or "I hate this game", or "can we do something else" until my brother would just leave out of frustration. And just as an aside, I was not only hosting the game night in my house, with my food and drinks, but I was the person purchasing every board game so I feel a little offended when someone is whiny.
My brother must be fed up with it too, because I just found out he's sleeping on the couch and has been doing his own thing for a few weeks.
I decided to go to a concert this saturday. For some background, I listen to death metal. I took my wife to a single concert before and two things happened: 1) Every dude stared at her with rape eyes because female, and 2) she hated the music. When I initially told her I was going to go she pulled the "go ahead, it's fine", but you know - withthattone. Finally I explained she'd end up hating it and she agreed, but I can see where other women wouldn't relent and you'd end up having to take them and protect them from guys visually raping them.
My brother's wife is notorious for this shit. We hosted a saturday game night for a few years and she'd always want to come, but the whole time would complain "this is stupid", or "I hate this game", or "can we do something else" until my brother would just leave out of frustration. And just as an aside, I was not only hosting the game night in my house, with my food and drinks, but I was the person purchasing every board game so I feel a little offended when someone is whiny.
My brother must be fed up with it too, because I just found out he's sleeping on the couch and has been doing his own thing for a few weeks.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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Haha I have the reverse problem, my wife gives two shits what I do for my hobbies and I'm always doing them by myself. She won't get involved in the slightest. There are a few things I wish she would come do because they'd be a good way to spend time together and I think she'd enjoy it. She sits at home cleaning and working on her projects. When I'm there she's glued to me, but not concerned when I leave to do whatever.
Maybe I have it good and I don't realize it? She's a perfectionist introvert so she's perfectly happy being left alone to do her own shit so that I won't fuck it up and make her have to re-do it. Haha.
Maybe I have it good and I don't realize it? She's a perfectionist introvert so she's perfectly happy being left alone to do her own shit so that I won't fuck it up and make her have to re-do it. Haha.
Frenzied Wombat
Potato del Grande
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This pretty much describes me to a T, and to be fair a lot of people on this board as well I'd assume. Ultimately, most of us are or were "gamers", and we've all perfected the art of multi-tasking various forms of passive entertainment-- TV, video games, books, etc.. For a lot of people on these forums, I'm sure the "ideal" weekend involves 72 hours straight of take-out, video games, and John Wick/Mad Max reruns. I can literally hermit myself all weekend and not talk to a single person besides the pizza delivery guy and I'm in fucking bliss.
Bottom line is we all are pros at finding ways to pass the time, and most of the associated activities aren't conducive to involving another person, unless that person likes video games and/or the shows you watch. This compounds the problem, because women want to do something together, and in their mind that includes shit like going to the mall, "talking" over coffee/brunch, etc.. Then, when you work 40-50 hours a week and your free time is at a premium, the less you're willing to sacrifice the things you want to do just so your GF can "feel" you're doing something together while you poke away at your IPhone on a bench while she's browsing clothing at Banana Republic.
As for "distant", "don't share your emotions", etc-- that's pretty much characterized every relationship over 20+ years.. My philosophy is I *show* that I care by doing things, as I feel talk is empty, cheap, and rarely backed up by action.. Unsolicited sentimentality just feels cheezy to me, and I've always said that if you want to know how I "feel" about something just ask.. However women feel that you don't care if they have to ask, it needs to be "spontaneous"..
Whatever. Women, I'll never understand them.
Cad
scientia potentia est
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Seems like you do understand them, you're just not willing to take the actions that your understanding would suggest.
It is pretty common for my wife to tell me to leave her alone and she just wants to sit on the couch by herself and not talk to anyone. I think you're confusing just basic incompatibility with the horrors of a LTR. If you're an introvert who likes alone time then find another chick who also hates going out, hates being around people and favors being alone -- then be alone together.
Kriptini
Vyemm Raider
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That doesn't sound so bad. If I couldn't have a relationship like Phazael's, I'd want one like this.