Izo
Tranny Chaser
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Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
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Hoss
Make America's Team Great Again
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Denamian
Night Janitor
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GuardianX
Perpetually Pessimistic
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Kinda want to vent, kinda want to see what conclusions everyone else would end up with.
Background, Wife and I have been married 10 years, and have 3 kids.
Basically a week ago my wife starts getting hyper sexual (Thursday) next day (friday) it hypes up to another level and we end up doing some things. At this poit I'm going, "Are my stars aligning or are her new BC meds just hitting her hormones super hard" (Saturday) rolls around and she wants some sexy stories on top of what we were already doing and it involved a mutual acquaintance. I play along because whatever, it's our time and compared to some of the other stories she's asked for, it's tame as fuck. After fun time I pull her aside and was like, "all the things I said in those stories, I hope you understand that they are JUST stories, there isn't anything and will never be anything to them, I've watched too many peoples marriages fail due to insane shit like this and I don't want this to be one of them, so make sure that the stories STAY as stories." Sunday we just end up doing our normal routine sans sexy times.
Monday rolls around, I ask her, "Hey, those things you were saying during our time on Saturday were pretty hardcore, you haven't been messaging the acquaintance, anything right?" She responds with they have been talking about sexual stuff, only talking, nothing too deep. "Fine" I'm salty a bit and I re-tell her after that conversation that I've watched marriges implode due to shit like this. I ask if I can read the conversation (either way I was going to read it, this was just getting her permission), she starts saying that wouldn't be a great idea (now I really wanna read them). I finish the conversation with "Is there anythign else that I could find that would make this a lot worse?" "Not that I can think of"
So, after she goes to bed, I'm looking around at those discord messages and I see a bunch of conversation missing. Shit in the middle of a conversation. So I head to our phone carrier and find that she sent over a thousand messages to this guy in like 3 days. Then I logged into our carrier app and scroll to the beginning, first message I see is:
Sent from her to him.
it only gets worse from there with them exchanging photos.
The last photo exchange happening Monday afternoon, after the saturday lecture, after casual conversations sunday about it cheating destroying marriages.
---
So, have fun, because I'm not.
I am fucking torn, I am angry as fuck, there are so may emotions I have had since it happened and I just don't know how to attain / retain what i want.
I want my family to remain a family is the bottom line but I don't know if that will fuckin work.
The kicker? I introduced them (her to a group of people) because she needed a friend network because she "Doesn't have any friends". The friend network imploded when the guy was trying to have relations with another single person and found out they were insane. Then my wife and him and a couple other buddies of mine started playign MMOs.
Cool.
Background, Wife and I have been married 10 years, and have 3 kids.
Basically a week ago my wife starts getting hyper sexual (Thursday) next day (friday) it hypes up to another level and we end up doing some things. At this poit I'm going, "Are my stars aligning or are her new BC meds just hitting her hormones super hard" (Saturday) rolls around and she wants some sexy stories on top of what we were already doing and it involved a mutual acquaintance. I play along because whatever, it's our time and compared to some of the other stories she's asked for, it's tame as fuck. After fun time I pull her aside and was like, "all the things I said in those stories, I hope you understand that they are JUST stories, there isn't anything and will never be anything to them, I've watched too many peoples marriages fail due to insane shit like this and I don't want this to be one of them, so make sure that the stories STAY as stories." Sunday we just end up doing our normal routine sans sexy times.
Monday rolls around, I ask her, "Hey, those things you were saying during our time on Saturday were pretty hardcore, you haven't been messaging the acquaintance, anything right?" She responds with they have been talking about sexual stuff, only talking, nothing too deep. "Fine" I'm salty a bit and I re-tell her after that conversation that I've watched marriges implode due to shit like this. I ask if I can read the conversation (either way I was going to read it, this was just getting her permission), she starts saying that wouldn't be a great idea (now I really wanna read them). I finish the conversation with "Is there anythign else that I could find that would make this a lot worse?" "Not that I can think of"
So, after she goes to bed, I'm looking around at those discord messages and I see a bunch of conversation missing. Shit in the middle of a conversation. So I head to our phone carrier and find that she sent over a thousand messages to this guy in like 3 days. Then I logged into our carrier app and scroll to the beginning, first message I see is:
Sent from her to him.
it only gets worse from there with them exchanging photos.
The last photo exchange happening Monday afternoon, after the saturday lecture, after casual conversations sunday about it cheating destroying marriages.
---
So, have fun, because I'm not.
I am fucking torn, I am angry as fuck, there are so may emotions I have had since it happened and I just don't know how to attain / retain what i want.
I want my family to remain a family is the bottom line but I don't know if that will fuckin work.
The kicker? I introduced them (her to a group of people) because she needed a friend network because she "Doesn't have any friends". The friend network imploded when the guy was trying to have relations with another single person and found out they were insane. Then my wife and him and a couple other buddies of mine started playign MMOs.
Cool.
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Definitely shouldn't have read her conversations without her permission. Neither party trusts the other and it's going to be hard to come back from that. Maybe you can be honest about that as proof that you want the marriage to work. Otherwise, you would have just served her papers.
I do agree that fucking around, even with explicit consent from all parties involved, is dangerous for a marriage. Your usage of "family" seems to imply that you have kids? I don't see how they can process that type of relationship. You can still talk about it, I think it's healthy to be open and honest about sexual desires, but acting on these kinds is a whole other thing.
I do agree that fucking around, even with explicit consent from all parties involved, is dangerous for a marriage. Your usage of "family" seems to imply that you have kids? I don't see how they can process that type of relationship. You can still talk about it, I think it's healthy to be open and honest about sexual desires, but acting on these kinds is a whole other thing.
Big Phoenix
Pronouns: zie/zhem/zer
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Do you guys have some kind of arrangement where this is permissible and this is only a problem due to it being with a known acquaintance? What youre describing is basically cheating(call me crazy but sexting/nudes is cheating) but you didnt seem to react to her like it was the serious issue it is. Which I can understand, been there with my ex.
If you dont have some kind of arrangement, then there isnt really a happy ending here. I caught my ex basically doing the samething twice but being the then naive immature man I was I let it slide. Problem is once it happened I never looked at her the same way again, there was always that feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever she was messaging someone.
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Fucker
Log Wizard
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Bail. She's a slut. Getting out sooner rather than later is always best.
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GuardianX
Perpetually Pessimistic
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So, couple points, I did have her permission to go through the discord logs. Her caveat was that I shouldn't go through them because what I would see would just make me angry. That just made me want to read them even more.
We do not have a "sexting is okay" policy. Her telling me that it was just text was a way to downplay the whole incident.
The reality is she had been sexting him since Thursday or Friday And had him actively flirting with him since the second of the month.
As for the "bail she's a slut" type comment, I'm really trying not to. I would rather try to stay together maintain our marriage and try to see what we can actually do to get beyond this but the things that are in the back of my mind constantly eating away at that thought are all the statements that she made regarding hiding in this conversation from me. She knew what she did was wrong she knew the only thing that it would do would be hurt our marriage hurt our family and she still did it and not only did she do it she tried to find ways that it wouldn't be found out so she could have her side piece.
There is more to this story but honestly we're still in the thick of it so I don't really feel comfortable sharing the rest of it.
We do not have a "sexting is okay" policy. Her telling me that it was just text was a way to downplay the whole incident.
The reality is she had been sexting him since Thursday or Friday And had him actively flirting with him since the second of the month.
As for the "bail she's a slut" type comment, I'm really trying not to. I would rather try to stay together maintain our marriage and try to see what we can actually do to get beyond this but the things that are in the back of my mind constantly eating away at that thought are all the statements that she made regarding hiding in this conversation from me. She knew what she did was wrong she knew the only thing that it would do would be hurt our marriage hurt our family and she still did it and not only did she do it she tried to find ways that it wouldn't be found out so she could have her side piece.
There is more to this story but honestly we're still in the thick of it so I don't really feel comfortable sharing the rest of it.
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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If you are serious about salvaging the relationship you need to have her cut the guy out of her life permanently and immediately. If she falters in any way on this you will want to heed Fucker's advice and start preparing to bail, because she already has. If she can progress beyond this she will need to figure out on her own or with therapy why the fuck she was doing that in the first place so you can both try to fix whatever it is.
Emotional infidelity is still infidelity. It's OK to feel cheated on, because you were cheated on.
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GuardianX
Perpetually Pessimistic
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Sorry, didn't address the top part. My being "fine" with it mainly had to do with a couple of things, I trusted my wife (prior to all this) and I hadn't read the conversation. So I was trying to keep a level head, I didn't know if talking about sexual stuff was just her way of saying, "we talked about adult stuff".
As said above though, that was just her trying to buy time before shit hit the bed. As to why she was buying time, who knows. She did try to delete the discord conversation but she didn't nuke it. She did try to delete the texts, but she didn't nuke it.
---
The personal experience you gave hits home, hard.
Technically this isn't the first time she has done this, the last time was 13 years ago while we were dating. I didn't consider it cheating back then because we were dating, not married.
Yeah, the trust is gone. I don't know if it'll ever be back.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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It can be, but it's going to require her to do a lot of the work, and for you to be extremely forgiving. One of my dad's friends had his wife cheat on him once, but he was able to forgive her and they stayed together until he died of cancer a few years ago. Big P is probably the norm here, but it's not 100% hopeless.
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Since you have kids, it's worth it to make an effort to fix this. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you can tell your kids you tried. It's still early. It can probably be fixed. She needs to cut off all contact with him. You'll need to give her an ultimatum that either it's you or him. If she says that she can't give him up, ask her when she wants to get the kids together to tell them that you're getting a divorce. The point is to make it clear of what she's risking by doing this kind of stuff with him or other guys. If she's reluctant to give him up, you have your answer about what you need to do.
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Kiki
Log Wizard
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As long as she stops since you've "caught" her and never does it again, you will be fine. This shit happens and shit in text is fantasy, it's much different if he's plowing her every 2 days and she's lying about it. I mean I like to look at grass on the other side too, it's human nature and I understand that. If she doesn't cut it off, it's 100% time to bail.
You do need to be firm and take a HARD line. I agree that it seems very downplayed.
You do need to be firm and take a HARD line. I agree that it seems very downplayed.
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GuardianX
Perpetually Pessimistic
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Trust me on the seriousness part, the Monday night I found out, I didn't sleep. I loaded up everything I could, backed up everything I could and then went to bed. I made a dead-mans switch, JUST in case but that was overkill. Any hesitancy can be directly liked to my anxiety that my marriage would break down and my kids would be in a shitty place, I wanted to handle the situation cautiously, which was stupid. Today it's been about 1 whole week since it all started, feels like a fucking month. I know how I want to handle the situation but I don't know the BEST way to handle it. MY choice would be 100% scorched earth but would that be best? I don't think so.
Tuesday, she was like, "did you log into our phone carrier?" at first I told her no because I thought I would need more stuff from them and then I circled back on that in under 30 seconds and was like...you know what, I'm not gunna start all this shit off with more lies and told her that I read everything, absolutely everything. The rest of the day was spent in near silence until I finally was in a space, anger-wise where I could talk to her without feeling completely out of control.
This is where I feel I added to the issue because of my hope that I could salvage things, my inexperience handling things like this, and I didn't want to completely start with her taking anti-depression meds. I asked her the why of it all, not why him because I knew the why of him, he was fresh exciting and he paid attention to her every message. This was answered with, "We were going to include you!" great, I told her saturday that I wanted no part of something like that, that I watched too many people implode from treating their relationship casually, I reiterated that story and asked why again. The most I got was that he was a good shoulder to cry on for work and drama issues, when asked if i never crossed her mind as the contact for all that she wasn't able to give me a solid answer. I told her that she needs to get back into therapy, because apparently, I didn't know this, she stopped going once a problem co-worker (a female) changed regions and wasn't in contact with her any longer.
I made the concession that she could still be around him, virtually, since the distance issue prevented her from just up and leaving our family (I justified it, stupidly, a decision I have since changed). During the days prior to killing that, I noticed that every time she opened her discord, Messenger or any time really shes typing away at her phone for long times, I'm anxious.
I asked her if this could ever happen again, she "Needs" something that she can't even articulate. Nothing that I don't already give her, she admits. She just "Needed" something different. She casually also dropped the idea (before all this came to light on monday) that she needed to play the field because I was her first sexual partner. The only way ANY of this gets resolved is if she understand herself the WHY of what she did. because every turn of the conversation in text and discord was met with her admitting that I should be told about their conversation bu..you know..never actually fucking telling me.
Thursday I call "him", I don't know why I did because everyone who plays MMOs these days is socially retarded. I asked him what his goal with all of this was and his answer was essentially throwing my wife under the bus, "It was her idea, she wanted to keep it going, I said we should tell you" a bunch of other bullshit. The overall gist I got from both of them was that they "WANTED to tell me" but no one ever, in the several days of chances they had, took the chance. So I essentially got stabbed in the back and stabbed in the front. After this phonecall I decided that it's likely good for the geographical distance between us. I made some stupid, cringe as fuck demands of him which I later pulled back because I'm not his god damn father. He's a druggie that is also an alcoholic, life will serve him his before I do.
After the phone-call I'm still confused as fuck as to how I want to handle the situation. I decided to play it by ear and let them still talk. I changed that later to "Just talk in-game" and then after that I was just, "No, you and him are done". This delayed the whole process and caused her to get into different head-spaces that caused her to start crying when I said "You and him are done". I noticed that as soon as she started lamentign this shit, if I was like "Yo, if it was me and X fuckign around, would you be like...no go ahead and talk to her more!" would you be okay with that? and instantly it would be like, "Oh yeah, I almost ended my own marriage" in her brain.
I believe this is most of the remaining non specific details left, as said I'm holding some things because I still think this shit show is salvageable. It's also super raw still, so I don't know if I'm forgetting things.
Tuesday, she was like, "did you log into our phone carrier?" at first I told her no because I thought I would need more stuff from them and then I circled back on that in under 30 seconds and was like...you know what, I'm not gunna start all this shit off with more lies and told her that I read everything, absolutely everything. The rest of the day was spent in near silence until I finally was in a space, anger-wise where I could talk to her without feeling completely out of control.
This is where I feel I added to the issue because of my hope that I could salvage things, my inexperience handling things like this, and I didn't want to completely start with her taking anti-depression meds. I asked her the why of it all, not why him because I knew the why of him, he was fresh exciting and he paid attention to her every message. This was answered with, "We were going to include you!" great, I told her saturday that I wanted no part of something like that, that I watched too many people implode from treating their relationship casually, I reiterated that story and asked why again. The most I got was that he was a good shoulder to cry on for work and drama issues, when asked if i never crossed her mind as the contact for all that she wasn't able to give me a solid answer. I told her that she needs to get back into therapy, because apparently, I didn't know this, she stopped going once a problem co-worker (a female) changed regions and wasn't in contact with her any longer.
I made the concession that she could still be around him, virtually, since the distance issue prevented her from just up and leaving our family (I justified it, stupidly, a decision I have since changed). During the days prior to killing that, I noticed that every time she opened her discord, Messenger or any time really shes typing away at her phone for long times, I'm anxious.
I asked her if this could ever happen again, she "Needs" something that she can't even articulate. Nothing that I don't already give her, she admits. She just "Needed" something different. She casually also dropped the idea (before all this came to light on monday) that she needed to play the field because I was her first sexual partner. The only way ANY of this gets resolved is if she understand herself the WHY of what she did. because every turn of the conversation in text and discord was met with her admitting that I should be told about their conversation bu..you know..never actually fucking telling me.
Thursday I call "him", I don't know why I did because everyone who plays MMOs these days is socially retarded. I asked him what his goal with all of this was and his answer was essentially throwing my wife under the bus, "It was her idea, she wanted to keep it going, I said we should tell you" a bunch of other bullshit. The overall gist I got from both of them was that they "WANTED to tell me" but no one ever, in the several days of chances they had, took the chance. So I essentially got stabbed in the back and stabbed in the front. After this phonecall I decided that it's likely good for the geographical distance between us. I made some stupid, cringe as fuck demands of him which I later pulled back because I'm not his god damn father. He's a druggie that is also an alcoholic, life will serve him his before I do.
After the phone-call I'm still confused as fuck as to how I want to handle the situation. I decided to play it by ear and let them still talk. I changed that later to "Just talk in-game" and then after that I was just, "No, you and him are done". This delayed the whole process and caused her to get into different head-spaces that caused her to start crying when I said "You and him are done". I noticed that as soon as she started lamentign this shit, if I was like "Yo, if it was me and X fuckign around, would you be like...no go ahead and talk to her more!" would you be okay with that? and instantly it would be like, "Oh yeah, I almost ended my own marriage" in her brain.
I believe this is most of the remaining non specific details left, as said I'm holding some things because I still think this shit show is salvageable. It's also super raw still, so I don't know if I'm forgetting things.
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Kirun
Buzzfeed Editor
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Yeah, do this so that she'll have zero respect for you as a man(she already obvious has very little, since she sexted without you guys having something in place where that is "ok") who stands up for himself. This is a long, agonizing road to Cucksville. You need to fucking bail.
I understand the seriousness of your situation and your desire to make things work for your kids, but this is the wrong answer from your wife and is code for "I am already emotionally checked out." Never mind that the true depth her regard for the relationship (and the stability of the family!) are measured by her ability not to do exactly this kind of thing in the first place. Has she ever tried to talk to you about her apparent dissatisfaction before?
Wut? No. This is also wrong on many levels - in abstract, as a reaction to being caught, and especially in response to your stated preferences. From the subtext of your version of events it would seem she's used to bullshitting concessions out of you. You'll have to stick up for yourself in a material way beyond giving everyone a stern talking-to, or else I don't see how you end up with any respect (even self-respect).
This is an exceedingly hard genie to put back in the bottle, and would require a substantial change in attitude from your wife. It can be done. My uncle cheated on my aunt for nearly 10 years, even to the point of having a parallel family. They somehow reconciled mid-life, reaffirmed their vows, made it through several decades, and are by all accounts happy now. I don't think I could have allowed that in her shoes, but clearly some people can.
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Kiki
Log Wizard
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I mean if you are the only guy she's been with she's gonna get curious. It's natural and not your fault really but you need to be 100% in control now. She either needs to get over it, or go get it out of her system. If she comes back after, great. If you aren't okay with that, also fine. If I had only seen one pair of boobs my entire life, I'd be curious too and trying to catch a glimpse. I still get the itch every couple years. This is biology. But in the meantime, you aren't going to trust her, and you shouldn't. She's being driven by things that aren't logical; she doesn't even know why she's doing it. The question is do you accept that or is it a gamebreaker? Or can she wrestle with her own hormones enough to keep it in her pants?
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