Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Onoes

Onoes

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Ortega_sl said:
Yeah the whole two houses sounds great on paper to the kids, but come on man. You're going to have a minimum of 15 years back and forth with your wife. If she starts dating a loser that you don't think should be around the kids... TO BAD! You have no recourse unless their is serious evidence of abuse/neglect. I hope it goes smooth for all 15 years until both of your kids are over the age of 18, but personally I don't think I could handle watching a woman make decisions that I felt were bad for our children while I had to sit by idly due to having very little control over the situation.
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Yeah, I'm not sure what alternative you suggest? As far as her making bad decisions, the kids have no idea she is doing anything different. If she wants to go wild and do whatever on her own time thats fine, if it started overlapping with the kids this would be a whole other thing. She's always been really adverse to drugs, she had tried them around 16-17 and hated it, so I'm not really worried about that. She's going out until who knows when, but she is still getting up at 5am to go to her gym and then to work, so it's not like she's a total mess. She, like all the girls in the video's, is just going wild. As long as its in her off time and it isn't effecting anything, I'm fine with it. If it carries over, then yeah, the whole dynamic would change.

Now, I'm off to the home improvement thread to ask for advice there! What to do with this new thing called "free" time?
 
Frenzied Wombat

Frenzied Wombat

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I just read about half the articles on this site and all I can do is heave a big sigh. Think I may have posted a specific article from it before, but this is the first time I've read through a bunch-- reads like half of my previous relationships. In any case, for you guys going through divorce, contemplating it, or sticking it out miserably, there are great real stories from actual men that have gone through it, along with a shrink's rationale as to why your wife is behaving a certain way and how to deal with it. Look at the "in his own words" stories. At a minimum you can you can garner solace from men with similar difficulties, at best maybe some of the advice can help. Either way, I found a lot of it pretty educational.

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men
 
lindz

lindz

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Just wanted to say I think you are doing great Onoes. That is such a shitty situation to be in but you seem to have handled it so well. The amicable split will make things so much easier on your kids.
 
Famm

Famm

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Onoes_sl said:
As far as her making bad decisions, the kids have no idea she is doing anything different. If she wants to go wild and do whatever on her own time thats fine, if it started overlapping with the kids this would be a whole other thing. She's always been really adverse to drugs, she had tried them around 16-17 and hated it, so I'm not really worried about that. She's going out until who knows when, but she is still getting up at 5am to go to her gym and then to work, so it's not like she's a total mess. She, like all the girls in the video's, is just going wild. As long as its in her off time and it isn't effecting anything, I'm fine with it. If it carries over, then yeah, the whole dynamic would change.
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It is GOING to eventually carry over, period. At some point a guy is moving in with her, its not if but when. You should have that in your mind to be ready for it. That could end up a nightmare (or a series of nightmares) or it might not be that bad, at some point probably both of you will be seeing people or living with someone else. Not saying it will be a disaster, but there's more dynamics that will come into play than just the extreme of her doing lines and stripping in the kitchen at 3 AM on a school night or something. What's your schedule with the kids? They are still really young and once she has a serious dude in there it will get to a point if they are there like every day but weekends you will feel like he's raising them....because he is.

As far as the kids, yes its easy at this age to spin the whole thing into your "see, this isn't so bad" stuff but in the long run there's a high chance they will be resentful and in their teens and young adult years will channel that resetment towards one or both parents. There's no easy solution, you have to do the best you can which you are trying to do, but be prepared for this affecting the kids. If you harbor some idea that everything seems fine with them you are deluding yourself and it will take you by surprise one day. Understand at least that they ARE going through shit because of this and its something that will affect their lives and emotions for years to come.
 
Frenzied Wombat

Frenzied Wombat

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Khane_sl said:
Wowzers... That's so heavy reading.
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I think the saddest and most sobering thing on that site is the author's article published on CafeMom that explains why it isn't right to trap/trick a man into getting you pregnant, and the overwhelming hate/rebellion/disagreement by all the women in the comments section. The other articles, "self-stories" are all either second hand or a psychologist's opinion, but the comments section in that Cafemom article--those are real live people.. Just wow.. I can't believe the overwhelming majority of the women posters think it's A-OK to screw a man over this way.
 
O

Ortega

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Eomer_sl said:
And so the wise alternative is to remain in a loveless marriage with someone that you slowly grow to resent and hate? His situation sucks, but it sounds like he and the soon to be ex-wife are doing the best they can to make things work out as well as they can for everyone. I don't see any better options there, other than "invent a time machine and don't marry a chick that never had a chance to have her 'wild years'".
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There is no easy solution, but it's not going to help by trying to believe that "Oh, the kids will love this!" when that most definitely won't be the case. I understand its a shitty situation and one where you're ultimately fucked either way. I grew up with divorced parents, and I sure as hell don't remember a thing about the actual divorce, but I can remember the back and forth between my parents for years after it.
 
Onoes

Onoes

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Famm_sl said:
It is GOING to eventually carry over, period. At some point a guy is moving in with her, its not if but when. You should have that in your mind to be ready for it. That could end up a nightmare (or a series of nightmares) or it might not be that bad, at some point probably both of you will be seeing people or living with someone else. Not saying it will be a disaster, but there's more dynamics that will come into play than just the extreme of her doing lines and stripping in the kitchen at 3 AM on a school night or something. What's your schedule with the kids? They are still really young and once she has a serious dude in there it will get to a point if they are there like every day but weekends you will feel like he's raising them....because he is.

As far as the kids, yes its easy at this age to spin the whole thing into your "see, this isn't so bad" stuff but in the long run there's a high chance they will be resentful and in their teens and young adult years will channel that resetment towards one or both parents. There's no easy solution, you have to do the best you can which you are trying to do, but be prepared for this affecting the kids. If you harbor some idea that everything seems fine with them you are deluding yourself and it will take you by surprise one day. Understand at least that they ARE going through shit because of this and its something that will affect their lives and emotions for years to come.
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All of that is possible yeah. See my little tag though "Optimistic Pessimist". I am well aware that I can worry about all of that, or about floods, fires, and gas leaks. I choose to be as optimistic as I can, while understanding bad shit happens and being prepared for it. I basically hope things go well, but secretly inside expect they won't, and that keep me happy most of the time. It's how I cope with this horribly terrible and unfair world.

As for the time, we rotate weeks and weekends every other month. That means at the transition, one parent has the kids 7 days straight, so the parent who's being shafted can have the kids either Sat or Sun on that transition weekend (It's labeled as Share time) Here's the example.

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And honestly, all of these are the plans for "Right Now", who knows what will change in a year, 5 years, etc.

I'm pretty positive that as soon as the boys are old enough to choose who they want to live with primarily, 12 in AZ, that things will change, and I highly suspect they will change in my favor.

I mean, who do you want to live with as a male? The girl, or the dude who has this baby parked outside!
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Onoes

Onoes

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Ortega_sl said:
There is no easy solution, but it's not going to help by trying to believe that "Oh, the kids will love this!" when that most definitely won't be the case. I understand its a shitty situation and one where you're ultimately fucked either way. I grew up with divorced parents, and I sure as hell don't remember a thing about the actual divorce, but I can remember the back and forth between my parents for years after it.
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So did I, which is why I'm trying to handle it differently. It would have been much easier had my mother and her entire family not constintly told me what a piece of shit my dad was, and hearing the constant screaming and cussing matches between them. My dad's a really good dude, and my mom is in a constant state of medication to control herself now, but had they both acted like civil, loving people, I think it would have been a lot easier.
 
O

Ortega

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Onoes_sl said:
So did I, which is why I'm trying to handle it differently. It would have been much easier had my mother and her entire family not constintly told me what a piece of shit my dad was, and hearing the constant screaming and cussing matches between them. My dad's a really good dude, and my mom is in a constant state of medication to control herself now, but had they both acted like civil, loving people, I think it would have been a lot easier.
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Dude I'm probably coming across harsher than I intend to, but if people acted civil, loving, and respectful then they wouldn't be getting divorced. My advice is simply to prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR MOM THINKING?!?!" moment. All of your posts make me think you're still on stage one of the five stages of grief.
 
iannis

iannis

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You can be perfectly civil and decide you just don't want to be married anymore. Sometimes that includes divorce, and sometimes it doesn't.

That shit is rare, but possible.

I never met her but a friend would tell the story of a woman he used to work with, some late 30's MILF. She'd occasionally get expensive presents delivered to the office from her husband (who lived in Alaska) and would reportedly say stuff like, "I wonder who he fucked. She must be pretty good looking, check out this bracelet!". She just REALLY didn't want to live in Alaska, and would go up there to visit him for a week or two a few times a year. They were technically married, but probably might as well have been divorced.

All I mean is that it can be amicable.
 
Nevele

Nevele

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It can definitely be amicable. I have a guy I work with who is divorced from the mother of his two children. Now he may not think the world of her, but he is always respectful and decent with her. And generally speaking, her with him. Because of that, it's a lot easier on the boys, and just in trying to joint-raise them in general. There will always be disagreements, there will always be times you want to face palm for something she did. The deciding factor is how you two choose to approach it. As long as you're both on board, I think it's very much an optimistic, yet doable goal. But be aware that whether it's overt or not, some people just can't handle that kind of arrangement. You obviously know this woman much better than anyone else, so you'll know how to assess her level of craziness and vindictiveness.
 
BoldW

BoldW

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First divorce was completely amicable (once it settled). Married young, moved for work, she wanted to be with her family because mine are kind of assholes, but I had a career path (at time anyway), so she moved back and I stayed. We text each other every couple days, she's come to visit a few times...Second divorce (in progress) - complete 180. I also think it's BS I had to stop communicating with my first wife when I entered a relationship with my second. Opinions seem to differ on that, though.
 
Joeboo

Joeboo

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That's going to be fairly common with like 99% of women, they don't want you staying in regular contact with an ex unless there is a damn good reason like mutual kids or something.
 
opiate82

opiate82

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BoldW_sl said:
First divorce was completely amicable (once it settled). Married young, moved for work, she wanted to be with her family because mine are kind of assholes, but I had a career path (at time anyway), so she moved back and I stayed. We text each other every couple days, she's come to visit a few times...Second divorce (in progress) - complete 180. I also think it's BS I had to stop communicating with my first wife when I entered a relationship with my second. Opinions seem to differ on that, though.
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When I got out of an LTR with my ex, my now wife warned me it wasn't a good idea to stay in contact with my ex but didn't go so far as to say I couldn't. Wife was right, ex wanted to hook back up (even though she broke it off with me) and her friends all shit all over my now wife with that passive-aggressive girl type behavior. I honestly do wish we could have stayed friends, but not while she was still pining after me and treating my new girl like shit.
 
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