I fucking hated this subreddit.
But now I get it.
(Also fuck you for making me write this 1000 word essay.)
Guys, I have been doing this shit for 5+ years. I decided to not follow a typical route and take a risk on my future.
Isn't that how life works? Isn't that how everything works, at least how society tells us? Aren't you taking a risk going to college and hoping it allows you to get your dream job?
Ask yourself this, how many of you are willing to drop your studies/work/main job now and instead try playing video games, while not being a pro, just for the fuck of it, and seeing if you can just.... do it for a living. Also, coming from an Asian, immigrant family and doing this.(if you are Asian you know what I mean)
I'm not some God figure. I'm a nerd, who is shy, who happened to just decide to stream and see what the fuck happens. Looking back, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Maybe it was my addiction, or love, for gaming. I just always thought I had funny moments in video games so why not just broadcast it and see what happened? No fucking idea. I never even used a cam. Why do you think I hate reading games? Because, I can't be myself listening to some Witcher 3 NPC talk for 5 hours without you guys seeing my facial expression. To me, I feel as though you watch for the entertainer not the game. I get self conscious I guess, I don't fucking know.
I never thought I was entertaining nor did I even think to grow an audience this big. This is absolutely insane to think about. How the fuck did I even get here? Because, honestly, I don't know why people watch me.
But it's fine.
Because, why did I watch twitch streams back in the day? Because I liked chilling with a broadcaster and a community of like minded people who just wanted to kick the shit and have fun with gaming. Whether it is chatting/watching/background noise - it doesn't matter how you watch, it is just something there. Something to have on your second monitor while you do whatever the fuck you do, work/homework/game/porn(that would be weird, but not really in 2018)(One of you is naked right now reading this, you are weird.)
This year, has been a whirlwind on twitch. It took a mental toll on me for sure. Made me actually wonder and question my choices and what the fuck I was doing and made me extremely self-conscious. It also put me into this really shitty routine of streaming, eating bad, reading stupid shit, being in a bad mood, and regurgitating almost every day.
But now, it burnt me the fuck out. I have gone from chilling and kicking the shit with you guys to being self conscious of myself not being entertaining or up to the standards of other communities. Almost like I needed to constantly defend what I built constantly. It made me sour. It also made me realize that I needed a break and more focus on my life.
As much as I like streaming, it is all I do. Before you say you only stream 6-7 hours a day... streaming isn't just an on-air job. Like, be realistic here people. It is lirikFR lirik here, not fucking Game of Thrones HBO production staff. Jeez.
TL;DR: I love streaming still, give me a week to just get out of my slump. I'm thinking of getting a therapist, look at in-door rock climbing, eating healthier, just doing shit different. I'm trying to change and I need time. I want to be excited to stream every day and be in a good mood, I don't want to be stuck in a routine. I'm sick of view count and sub numbers. I need to not give a shit anymore. Consistency is key to streaming, but there is such thing as being TOO consistent. I want to miss you guys, just like I want you to miss me. I know a "big streamer" taking a long break is un-heard of but fuck it. I'm breaking the mold. Welcome to my world, I've never done this before and don't know if my channel is going to get fucked in the long run. But, hey... it is either that or keep getting burnt out!
Also, after this thread I'm going to test myself by not walking into this computer room for the next 6 days after I hit send. I need to just disconnect.
Sorry for typos, on phone.