Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)

Vaclav

Vaclav

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
12,650
877
Kuriin said:
Pretty sure the video game centers around a young boy, as well.
Click to expand...
Graphic novel, no?

And update - seeing it tomorrow instead of Friday, I don't do midnight showings because I'm too old for watching something that late without nodding off, but our theater is actually doing a 7pm showing - so tomorrow it is.
 
BoozeCube

BoozeCube

Von Clippowicz
<Screenshotted>
48,235
283,217
I kind of want to see this because Scifi and trailer looks interesting visually. Have no idea what if any story line is present in said trailer and looks like some high schooler bullshit so I will wait for reviews.
 
Vaclav

Vaclav

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
12,650
877
Absolutely loved it. Had a very Mass Effecty vibe, etc.
 
  • 1Picard
Reactions: 1 user
Juvarisx

Juvarisx

Florida
3,581
3,640
Think this will turn into a cult film like Fifth Element? (it had mediocre reviews on release as well)
 
Vaclav

Vaclav

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
12,650
877
Juvarisx said:
Think this will turn into a cult film like Fifth Element? (it had mediocre reviews on release as well)
Click to expand...

Unsure of that part. It's more "mainstream" than Fifth was by a bit IMO. Stuff is out there and weird a bit, but not as overtly as Fifth was.
 
Angerz

Angerz

Trakanon Raider
1,234
826
I'm having a hard time with this. I really disliked everything about the main humans in this movie. Valerian and Laureline had very minimal chemistry (and neither of them really feels like a film carrying actor).

Their characters feel very 80s (which i guess makes some sense from when the source material was written), but not in any sort of interesting way. Valerian is the shoot from the hip, take chances partner and Laureline is the by the book one. The overall plot and motivations behind anyone's actions seem really nebulous and not in a good way.

That said, looking at any one individual scene or set piece that wasn't 100% made of up of Valerian and Laureline, I liked every scene in the movie individually. They all have so much going on, so much character, neat tech, aliens, concepts. The different biomes. All of it is really cool. It was just the thread that tied the movie together for me fell really flat.

2 things I will put here. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hated that when the aliens were talking in the opening scene we got subtitles for "DAD!" and "THE HANDLE IS BROKEN!". It felt insulting since none of the other language was subtitled. Did they show this to test audiences who could not figure out that she was his daughter (or at a minimum he was the chief and she was important to him?). Let alone that the god damn handle broke off the door and it would clearly not open again.

Second, I was really hoping they would Luke and Leia the relationship between Valerian and Laureline somehow. Mostly cause they were always coy about anything romantic and pecked each other on the cheek through out the whole movie and they look so much god damn alike it is weird. Like at the end Huey, Dewie and Lewie come in and have one more secret for them. (aside, did the knowledge triplets have a name? I am back and forth between calling them Huey/Dewie/Lewin or The Geoducks, cause they are vaguely waterfowl looking and their beaks look like geoducks.

If you think you might like this, I'd suggest seeing it at a matinee price, cause I don't think you will be disappointed by seeing the environments in a theatre.
 
  • 2Like
Reactions: 1 users
Phazael

Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
<Aristocrat╭ರ_•́>
14,106
30,197
I really wanted to like this movie, and for a few minutes I had hope. The opening sequence that explains the universe and sets the back story was extremely well done and had an epic sci-fi fantasy feel to it. Then the main actor showed up..... The dude is a cross between Dracula fake Texan accent Keanu Reeves and a massive douchebag and never waivers from that. The dialog and pacing were horrendous. The story was laughably predictable. The humor was forced and mostly poorly done. The tone had abrupt jarring shifts at various points. They over explained some things and had a massive lack of exposition in other areas. It was a mess and probably the worst movie I have paid money to see since Pacific Rim Job, which was only worse because it fucked up at a simple task. This movie, OTOH, had ambitious goals that it clearly had the talent to meet (opening sequence was phenomenal), but constantly disappointed me by shitting the bed the entire time. And, oh yeah, there was some agenda pushing that was so over the top I thought it was parody at first, but nope they were serious about it. And also, Rhianna felt more shoe horned into this movie than Michael Richards at a Seinfeld reunion party.

On the plus side, the visuals are the best of any movie to come out this summer and possibly ever in a movie. The action was pretty well done, despite the abundance of CGI. The opening sequence might be one of the best universe building montages ever made in a movie. Honestly, if the movie had ended at Rutger Hauer's speech, I would have felt less ripped off. Or if it had a decent actor with some range (holy shit the love story was terrible) in the lead and kept the sci-fi fantasy (ala 5th element) feel during the entire movie, instead of trying to get preachy and serious, it would have been at least a workable movie. As it is, its a mess with just enough high points to make you angry at what they fucked up (similar in many ways to Pacific Rim Job) and what might have been. The whole movie feels like a massive mess that changed directions multiple times and terrible editing. It seriously felt like the opening five minutes was made by an entirely different team of people.

3/10, worst movie I have seen this summer. But, best visuals and best opening sequence in years.
 
  • 1Like
Reactions: 1 user
Phazael

Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
<Aristocrat╭ರ_•́>
14,106
30,197
Vaclav said:
Absolutely loved it. Had a very Mass Effecty vibe, etc.
Click to expand...

Only if you mean Mass Effect Andromeda.....

Angerz Angerz
My wife and I completely agree about the sub titles at the beginning. It ruined what was one of the better sequences of the film, but I guess if your sound track is crammed with rap music and you have Rhianna in it, your target audience is probably idiots. It was especially jarring, because last week we saw Planet of the Apes and the subtitles were used sparingly and only when absolutely needed.
 
  • 1Worf
Reactions: 1 user
Vaclav

Vaclav

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
12,650
877
Phazael said:
Only if you mean Mass Effect Andromeda.....
Click to expand...

A million different species isn't Andromeda. Kool-Aid Man scene busting through walls that is reminiscent of ME2. Sarcasm and romance tossed in pretty willy-nilly.

And "crammed with rap music", WTF? Was there even a single rap song? Opening was David fucking Bowie for Christ's sake. Even Rihanna's dance thing was more of a burlesque review than anything else.

Working on edgelord points or something?
 
Angerz

Angerz

Trakanon Raider
1,234
826
Vaclav said:
And "crammed with rap music", WTF? Was there even a single rap song? Opening was David fucking Bowie for Christ's sake. Even Rihanna's dance thing was more of a burlesque review than anything else.
Click to expand...

The only one I really remember standing out to me was the Black Eye Peas song (at least I think it was) in Paradise Alley or whatever and I think it kind of fit the aesthetic of the area. It looked like everything was set to "what would a human 400 years ago like", which is either odd or neat, but we don't spend enough time to find out. But the prostitutes were like, Jessica Rabbit, Fat Victorian french aristocrat, peacock lady and one i can't remember, plus all the carnival barkers and strip club proprietors and Hawke and Bubble. It was like space bourbon street.

God damn, thinking about any one scene in this movie just makes more more mad/sad about how much I want to see more in this universe and they chose the most boring and formulaic story to follow in all of Alpha to tell.

Kinda does make me want to buy this tho, especially if it has more depth all all the set pieces. :

https://www.amazon.com/Valerian-City-Thousand-Planets-Film/dp/1785654004
 
Phazael

Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
<Aristocrat╭ರ_•́>
14,106
30,197
Vaclav Vaclav
Hardly. The entire soundtrack (outside of Space Oddity and the orchestral stuff) was modern R&B hip-hop crap (like even a rap version of Staying Alive, instead of the original), as a two second google search will show.

And its funny you mention the Kool Aid man scene, because it highlights a major problem of the movie: Inconsistent Exposition. The had this entire explanation of the races on Alpha One and how they were on opposite ends of the giant city. Then the dude cannon balls through all of them in the exact same order as the entirely unnecessary exposition in the span of 20 seconds. The movie was riddled with crap like that, which descent editing would have fixed.

I get the rage. I really wanted to like this movie, especially after the incredible opening five minutes, but it was only good enough to disappoint. I have to wonder if the entire shoot was a massive cluster fuck behind the scenes, with rewrites, because the last time I saw a movie this uneven was Suicide Squad.
 
Vaclav

Vaclav

Bronze Baronet of the Realm
12,650
877
Shrug - perhaps it's an indication of how little I watched movies in the theater before I returned to work, but with it, Rogue One, and the MCU movies I've seen in theater since I've started going back to the movies consistently, I'd consider in the top end of them.

Re: "Opposite Ends": With all the cuts there, I'm unsure how long the distance between each was really meant to be - I personally took the cuts to be "time-skips" rather than showing 15 min of crossing from section to section - and instead just cutting to the transitions.

Looking at the soundtrack list - I see 2 of 8 as truly R&B/Rap. I see Reggae, Soul and other "black music" styles however. Final credits I could see maybe considering that rap, but it's that weird "semi-rap" category I'd give to it, like Beastie Boys/Linkin Park/etc.

It's kind of weird, BTW - when you're talking about the "great first 5 min" do you mean the ISS scene or the Pearls bit? I'd agree with the first, the Pearls I feel would've been better for narrative flow at a different time, I think a fancut with the Pearls scene being tossed in when Mul was being explained by the surviving Pearls would've helped with the flow of the film A TON. Really, that part sidetracked things pretty badly for a bit.

I was a little disappointed as well that the crime lord basically gave up once he was off-world. Seems like with his resources/etc that he wouldn't have given up so easily for something as valuable as the Converter.
 
Last edited:
Phazael

Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
<Aristocrat╭ರ_•́>
14,106
30,197
Yeah it was all mostly pale skinned smooth things (which SJWs took issue with, lol) for the most part. Believable hair is harder to reproduce with CGI, but the pearl aliens did look cool.
 
Kirun

Kirun

Buzzfeed Editor
<Gold Donor>
18,671
34,768
With the visuals being so amazing, is it worth seeing in 3D? I'm going to catch this tomorrow and I'm curious if I should bother dropping the extra money.
 
Ryanz

Ryanz

<Banned>
18,901
52,944
I haven't watched the movie, but I really wanted to because of Fifth Element. Sounds like the main characters are a major turn off. If you replaced them with Bruce Willis and Milla Jovovich do you think that would have helped? I know I probably would have seen it despite all criticism if they had done that.
 
  • 1Like
Reactions: 1 user
You must log in or register to reply here.