Gavinmad
Mr. Poopybutthole
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Man I didn't want to be crass but I feel like a nice toe curler or two would have a dramatically positive effect on her mood.
Depression
- Thread starter Tarrant
- Start date
Control
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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Yeah, happiness (or at least, that being the goal or way your life is judged) has always seemed like a weird way to look at things. It's a nebulous, fleeting emotion, for me at least. Am I happy? Not particularly, but I'm not particularly unhappy either. It's like asking if a game is fun and having that be your sole barometer for what a good game is. I played a ton of eq, that must mean it's the most fun game ever, right? Absolutely not, at least by ratio or average. Possibly if you just look at the peaks, but doing it that way, it's also the most unfun game ever.
I think satisfaction is a better metric, though even then it's still a scale. Imo, satisfaction is more about progress, and that's something you can take direct action on. Am I satisfied enough with how I performed today? Well, if possible, I can do a little more, or I can decide that I don't want to do more, in which case, I'm apparently satisfied enough after all. If more is not possible, I can try to improve tomorrow. Even if I'll never be satisfied with the absolute number, I can look at the progress, or at least the effort, and think "that was a day well spent". And tbh, a lot of days aren't well spent, but that's entirely my own fault and entirely within my power to change. I can't say the same about happiness. Having happiness be your guide would be like basing your self-worth on whether or not it's raining.
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Let me make one small, seemingly insignificant suggestion. Every single morning, make your bed. Seems stupid? Doesn't matter if you accomplish anything else all day, you accomplished that. Your bed is made, and you can be pleased about that. It's an accomplishment. It's one accomplishment to lead to more. This actually helped me. My wife always made the bed. I do it now every day. And it feels good every time.
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Izo
Tranny Chaser
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So is she then more depressed, given a zero sum? <troll dance.gif> But yeah, that's a good start.
Cutlery
Kill All the White People
- 7,449
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Ah, I can see how that came off weird.
I should say that content is the goal. Happiness shouldn't be a goal. I'd say no one is entitled to happiness. Perhaps why the founding fathers phrased it as "the pursuit of happiness." Chase it all you want, but it's not a right.
You can be content with the situation and depressed. Depression isn't the opposite of happy, either, which is also why I don't like that particular terminology.
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Seananigans
Honorary Shit-PhD
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Hmm. Maybe I’m confused just because in my specific case, contentment is mutually exclusive with depression. I used to be depressed in my early 20’s, but it was always regarding women. I didn’t understand enough. Once I learned what I needed to learn, I understood everything, so no more depression. Ever.
Koushirou
Log Wizard
- 5,383
- 13,767
Now that I’m a jobless loser with no insurance, I guess I only have one week of therapy left because I sure as hell won’t be able to afford it now. Hell I might already be fucked, as my insurance has yet to process any of my therapy visits so I don’t even know how fucking much they even covered. For all I know I’m about to get blasted with $400/wk in bills since the beginning of January. Spent all my energy today trying not to panic and not just completely break down. Everything’s falling apart. I have no stability in my life anymore. Everything I’ve worked so hard for and took so long to get, a good stable job, a lasting relationship, probably my house soon, is gone. Almost 40 and I’ll be right back to square one. Can cross not needing someone to support me off that list of things I bring to a relationship, which I’m pretty sure that was the only damn thing on it. Had been trying to nut up the past couple days and be more forward with that guy but now what’s the fucking point?
And then there’s the fucking husband. Who in his attempt to make me feel better about expressed how he was in the same boat. I reminded him that he chose that shit and he had the balls to say he didn’t have a choice. Fuck you. Still no job since fucking New Year’s, living in my damn house not contributing a fucking thing, just about, finally accepting a job with a 3-6month background check and getting nothing else while waiting, telling me everything will still all work out and it’ll be fine because we’re not destitute, we still have the house and our health, etc. There is no fucking we anymore and all of that shit is despite his ass, not because of it. It’s that way because of me not we. Took every fiber of my fucking being to not light him the fuck up at that point.
I am fucking tired and exhausted and I don’t think I have the energy or the strength to just completely start over my life at this point. I realize people have recovered from worse, but I’m a weak bitch and I just don’t have it in me.
And then there’s the fucking husband. Who in his attempt to make me feel better about expressed how he was in the same boat. I reminded him that he chose that shit and he had the balls to say he didn’t have a choice. Fuck you. Still no job since fucking New Year’s, living in my damn house not contributing a fucking thing, just about, finally accepting a job with a 3-6month background check and getting nothing else while waiting, telling me everything will still all work out and it’ll be fine because we’re not destitute, we still have the house and our health, etc. There is no fucking we anymore and all of that shit is despite his ass, not because of it. It’s that way because of me not we. Took every fiber of my fucking being to not light him the fuck up at that point.
I am fucking tired and exhausted and I don’t think I have the energy or the strength to just completely start over my life at this point. I realize people have recovered from worse, but I’m a weak bitch and I just don’t have it in me.
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Lambourne
Bronze Baronet of the Realm
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Hadn't realized you were still living with and married to the ex. Explains why the new guy was holding off because if he's looking for a real relationship he isn't going to pursue one with you while you're still married and/or living with ex. Nobody wants to be rebound guy unless they're just trying to knock boots.
I'd focus on getting yourself in a better place first. Get the paperwork sorted, get your own place and maybe some gainful employment and I bet you'll start to feel better too.
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Hateyou
Not Great, Not Terrible
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I agree with this. I took a massive shit this morning and felt amazing afterwards.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Put it in perspective. You have to start over whether you have the strength and energy for it or not. The alternative is going back to your parents or checking out permanently. I did the former at 29, and it wasn't ideal, but the couple years I was there weren't awful, and I did get started with Comcast there, which is why I am still in telecomm today. I spent a lot of time thinking about the latter as well. Still do from time to time. I have very few attachments to this world, and will check out early before a lingering death, but I am otherwise OK with slogging my way through the day to day. A few of the people I grew up with weren't, and some of them I still miss. But I do take the Japanese view on it, and don't hate them for being selfish that way.
Stability is always temporary. We do what we can to buffer it up to withstand against the chaos of life, but it can all be taken from us in an instant no matter what we do. Just take a few minutes to breathe, and you will be able to start trying to find what's next for you.
1) Get distance from your husband. That is a seriously not healthy situation to be in unless you are wanting to get back together somehow like
Zaara
and her ex did.2) Start running numbers and options. Could you cash out and downsize and be OK in a different line of work?
3) We may talk mad shit about DEI here, but by all means use it to your advantage while it's still around. Female dev who isn't worthless is still going to get picked over men 90% of the time.
Most of the folks here are rooting for you.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
- 7,449
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Easier to start that OnlyFans now!
But, no, in all seriousness, you not having that job anymore will help you move on too.
I was married for 18 years, and I spent 20 years at the same job. My situation was a little bit different, because I also had 2 buddies who worked at that job die after I got divorced too, but the last couple of years there were REALLY hard for me to keep my head up when I was walking in or around there. There were people who knew my situation and would ask how things are going and how the kids are and if I talk to my ex, and you don't fucking need that shit when everything is still raw. I'd also run into situations that would remind me of said buddies, "remember that time that you and Andrew...."
Yeah, yeah, I fucking remember, I can't not remember. And also I was the only one from this company at his funeral so shut the fuck up.
Toss a dog dying in the mix and it just made it a fucking drag. "Okay, gotta feed the dog and go to work.....oh, wait." And then coming home to an empty, quiet house was 1000 times worse. It literally made that job torture every day. I didn't want to leave a 20 year job, but between all that and the fact that due to some movement in management I really did have the right pieces in place to advance just made it a slog.
New job, new woman, new dog - buddies are still dead, but I don't think about them every day now that I'm not being constantly reminded of them. Still divorced, but I haven't talked to her since February and no one asks about her or the kids. Dog is dumb - well, don't get a fucking shelter dog after you had a top of the line German Shepherd.
I know this is a stressful time, but in a couple of years, you're gonna look back on it and say "boy, did I luck out with the timing on that one."
Now, get rid of this deadbeat so you can move on.
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zzeris
The Real Benny Johnson
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Honestly, don't do that. It does sound awful but the choices you've been left with are awful. I'm not saying to dump her, especially since she's easy to live with. I'm saying, you have a voice, you have your own desires, and you actually have options. If your mom wants to live with YOU, instead of your sister, she has to work with you. It has to at least be 50/50, but normally it's never 50/50 because one person does more. That's just how it is. You seem to be the one who will be doing more so use your power. Let's dig deeper.
Your mom really loves you and I know you love her too. But she can't expect you to stay where she wants as an adult. If she really wants to live with you, why is it so important to live in a certain place? She needs to find The New. She needs to change things up, so she isn't always reminded of your dad and isn't stuck doing the same things. She doesn't know what to do anymore? Do new things. Change things up. If she doesn't want to do that, your sister will build her an addition. She won't like your answer but you have to show her that she raised an independent and strong person.
I can tell you as a nurse, caregivers are amazing people but it ages them like nothing else. And they allow themselves to honestly get destroyed by the incredible workload....while others don't have to deal with it and won't reward you with anything for doing it. Think long and hard about this because it is your life. And being selfish about your own life is what every human does at multiple points in their life. Living with your mom may end up being a good thing where you bond even more and find a new set of joys. It is the right thing to do if there is ability and a willingness to subsume her own desires. But she has to be willing to compromise, and you won't really find any joy if you're angry about being manipulated for years to decades. Find the benefits for you or start talking with your sister about splitting the load. Oh...and fuck your uncles. They can help too besides the free and unwanted advice.
zzeris
The Real Benny Johnson
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You are one of my favorite posters and I very rarely visit this thread, so I didn't know of your problems. I've just read lots of good advice from others to you and I can't imagine your depression and feelings of unworthiness. I'm not built that way and I think you're awesome. I will say that tits are tits and only fags don't like them.
I think pushing your parents for a temporary stay with them is the best option moving forward. It sucks for you and them, but you need a complete refresh in your life, and you need to be away from that worthless fucking loser. Seriously, he is a millstone dragging you down. He is a primary reason for all of your troubles today and he has done NOTHING to make them better. Move back home, get things back on track and tell him to get lost. Just find a way out. I cannot stress this enough. Him being there is part of your depression.
Maybe your therapist wasn't that good either. Therapists usually only know a set way (set ways) to help their clients and we're all different. If the insurance doesn't pay, too bad for them. They didn't seem to help much anyway.
This may not help you at all, but this has been the hardest year of my life and still nothing compared to yours. I am stressed and fearful. Had constant worry and lots of things go south. Had to change plan after plan because that's how I cope. I'm trying to move forward, and have, but there's still a mountain of work and issues and I don't know how it will end up. I can't imagine your pain and I feel terrible for you, and I know you can find better because you are awesome, and I hope you do. I really like knowing you're on this board so keep with us if nothing else. Because I'm selfish and I like you and I want you to stay here. Hope that helps just a little bit.
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Gutterflesh
Parody Account
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For what it's worth you're well liked by a group of people that don't like anything.
Hang in there.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Koushirou
Log Wizard
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- 13,767
Brother came over today for lunch. Nice of him, but not sure if it really helped at all. Mom's driving up tomorrow since she's worried I might do something bad. She's not wrong. Feel like there's nothing left to live for. I can only listen to so many "it'll get better"s. It's never gotten better.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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You have to make it better. No one other than you can get you to a place of contentment. The rest of us can only offer you the paths and methods we found, but there is no one size fits all. You have to decide you want to stop feeling sad, and do whatever it takes to make that happen. Getting away from your ex is the biggest obvious thing. Once he is in the rear view permanently you will have removed a huge barrier to moving forward with the rest of your life.
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