Depression

Aldarion · Jan 2, 2026

Gavinmad said:
I find it hard to imagine anything at all being easier to do in Illinois, much less adoption.

I didn't say it made sense, I can't pretend to understand why it is that way. Maybe its that they have surplus babies in need of adoption so they're motivated to make it easier / cheaper. All I know is they pursued it in multiple states and that was the best option all 4 times.

sleevedraw · Jan 2, 2026

Gavinmad said:
I find it hard to imagine anything at all being easier to do in Illinois, much less adoption.

IL's DMV is fucking awful, but states can be really quirky and have very seamless paperwork in some areas and chock full of red tape in others.

The power grid in Illinois historically was great due to it being mostly nuclear (lot of nuke talent at U of I and at Fermilab), and it has a deregulated supplier market like Texas. I've also had nursing licenses in about 10 states over my career, and Illinois was on the "easier" side of the continuum as far as the application process. Not the easiest (probably Nevada who had my approval back to me in less than 2 weeks), but generally seamless.

And bear in mind this is coming from an ex-Illinoisian who likes to talk shit about the state every chance I get.

Cutlery · Jan 2, 2026

Big Phoenix said:
You arent the only who deals with this. I havent spoken with my sister for going on close to a year now and I work with her. My brother went over to her house tonight for new years but of course I wasnt invited.

Its sad when I stop and think about it but what are you going to do?

Mostly, I just laugh.

I moved out the day I turned 18, because my parents are mostly narcissistic assholes. Like, for no reason either. It's basically like they sit around all day thinking up ways to fuck with their kids.

Anyway, after like 7 or 8 years of that, I started talking to them tepidly, you know, like Xmas and Easter kinda shit for a couple years. Then they kicked my sister out of the house because she had the decency to call them and say she was spending the night at her BF's. She was 22 when this happened. But nope - not coming home? Just move the fuck out. I took my sister in, and told them I was done dealing with their shit. That was....15 years ago now? I think so. Haven't spoken to them since.

Anyway, Im sorting thru the mail a week or so ago and I see cards addressed to both my daughters in a familiar handwriting. Told my oldest to open hers, Christmas card from my parents with $50 in it, and "Sorry we've missed so many Christmases"

Okay. Fine, it's a start. Except - both the kids live with me. They have to know id get the mail and see them. Anything addressed to me? No. Note saying "hey, sorry for being collosal fuckups, but we're old now and are regretting our lives now that no one wants anything to do with us."? Nope. No call, no text, no nothing. Just comical. What are you hoping for to accomplish with this?

Thankfully my oldest had the correct response. "Well, I'll take their money, but I have no interest in having a relationship with grandparents that have no interest in having a relationship with my father."

100% sure that the problems in the world are all caused by boomer parents. I seemed to have raised my kids right and done well by them, but God fucking damn, my parent's generation is just fucked up.

Cad · Jan 2, 2026

Cutlery said:
Mostly, I just laugh.

I moved out the day I turned 18, because my parents are mostly narcissistic assholes. Like, for no reason either. It's basically like they sit around all day thinking up ways to fuck with their kids.

Anyway, after like 7 or 8 years of that, I started talking to them tepidly, you know, like Xmas and Easter kinda shit for a couple years. Then they kicked my sister out of the house because she had the decency to call them and say she was spending the night at her BF's. She was 22 when this happened. But nope - not coming home? Just move the fuck out. I took my sister in, and told them I was done dealing with their shit. That was....15 years ago now? I think so. Haven't spoken to them since.

Anyway, Im sorting thru the mail a week or so ago and I see cards addressed to both my daughters in a familiar handwriting. Told my oldest to open hers, Christmas card from my parents with $50 in it, and "Sorry we've missed so many Christmases"

Okay. Fine, it's a start. Except - both the kids live with me. They have to know id get the mail and see them. Anything addressed to me? No. Note saying "hey, sorry for being collosal fuckups, but we're old now and are regretting our lives now that no one wants anything to do with us."? Nope. No call, no text, no nothing. Just comical. What are you hoping for to accomplish with this?

Thankfully my oldest had the correct response. "Well, I'll take their money, but I have no interest in having a relationship with grandparents that have no interest in having a relationship with my father."

100% sure that the problems in the world are all caused by boomer parents. I seemed to have raised my kids right and done well by them, but God fucking damn, my parent's generation is just fucked up.

Something about the generation above us (I'm Gen X) or the one above them that saw children as either competition or an opportunity to relive your childhood through them, and very little of the "we just want you to succeed" attitude.

Nothing wrong with cutting your parents or family off if they are shitty people. Blood doesn't make them less shitty.

Synj · Jan 6, 2026

Cutlery said:
Mostly, I just laugh.

I moved out the day I turned 18, because my parents are mostly narcissistic assholes. Like, for no reason either. It's basically like they sit around all day thinking up ways to fuck with their kids.

Anyway, after like 7 or 8 years of that, I started talking to them tepidly, you know, like Xmas and Easter kinda shit for a couple years. Then they kicked my sister out of the house because she had the decency to call them and say she was spending the night at her BF's. She was 22 when this happened. But nope - not coming home? Just move the fuck out. I took my sister in, and told them I was done dealing with their shit. That was....15 years ago now? I think so. Haven't spoken to them since.

Anyway, Im sorting thru the mail a week or so ago and I see cards addressed to both my daughters in a familiar handwriting. Told my oldest to open hers, Christmas card from my parents with $50 in it, and "Sorry we've missed so many Christmases"

Okay. Fine, it's a start. Except - both the kids live with me. They have to know id get the mail and see them. Anything addressed to me? No. Note saying "hey, sorry for being collosal fuckups, but we're old now and are regretting our lives now that no one wants anything to do with us."? Nope. No call, no text, no nothing. Just comical. What are you hoping for to accomplish with this?

Thankfully my oldest had the correct response. "Well, I'll take their money, but I have no interest in having a relationship with grandparents that have no interest in having a relationship with my father."

100% sure that the problems in the world are all caused by boomer parents. I seemed to have raised my kids right and done well by them, but God fucking damn, my parent's generation is just fucked up.

Oh I didn’t know this thread was about shit talking boomers! Fuck yeah!

I agree 100%. Meanwhile, boomer parents are so fucking entitled, they think their kids are ingrates and how dare they not repair the broken relationships that they fucking broke. It’s outrageous. My mom was telling me about her friend’s daughter that was estranged and how sad it was that she had given up on her mom. I was like, you mean the one whose mom was an alcoholic and let her daughter get molested by her stepdad? That fucking mom???

“Well, she didn’t know.” Fucking boggles my mind.

Also my mom, guilting me for leaving my 10 and 12 year old alone for an hour while I go grocery shopping, zero irony around the fact that I was a latchkey kid at 5. I brought up the irony of her new found parenting skills and she gaslit me and assured me that I was not in fact a latchkey kid and no way was I ever left home alone. Okay (boomer) mom.

Worst generation ever.

Haus · Jan 7, 2026

Synj said:
Oh I didn’t know this thread was about shit talking boomers! Fuck yeah!

I agree 100%. Meanwhile, boomer parents are so fucking entitled, they think their kids are ingrates and how dare they not repair the broken relationships that they fucking broke. It’s outrageous. My mom was telling me about her friend’s daughter that was estranged and how sad it was that she had given up on her mom. I was like, you mean the one whose mom was an alcoholic and let her daughter get molested by her stepdad? That fucking mom???

“Well, she didn’t know.” Fucking boggles my mind.

Also my mom, guilting me for leaving my 10 and 12 year old alone for an hour while I go grocery shopping, zero irony around the fact that I was a latchkey kid at 5. I brought up the irony of her new found parenting skills and she gaslit me and assured me that I was not in fact a latchkey kid and no way was I ever left home alone. Okay (boomer) mom.

Worst generation ever.

View attachment 614698

My mom is 75. And I don't know if this confirms of refutes your opinion.. but... I consider the best thing she ever did for me was letting my grandparents adopt me and raise me as their 5th kid (her being their 4th). Now my half sister and I have to split duties caring for her, but I still love her.

Izo · Jan 7, 2026

We stuff the oldies in homes. And children in daycare. Maybe that's why we're the 2nd happiest people on the planet. Full speed ahead!

Synj · Jan 7, 2026

Haus said:
My mom is 75. And I don't know if this confirms of refutes your opinion.. but... I consider the best thing she ever did for me was letting my grandparents adopt me and raise me as their 5th kid (her being their 4th). Now my half sister and I have to split duties caring for her, but I still love her.

I love my mom, she helps me a lot with transporting my kids and I’m certainly grateful. But there’s a lot of crazy shit there, and I’ve talked about how she turned me into the emotional parent at a very young age and continues to be the child in our relationship.

Haus · Jan 7, 2026

Synj said:
I love my mom, she helps me a lot with transporting my kids and I’m certainly grateful. But there’s a lot of crazy shit there, and I’ve talked about how she turned me into the emotional parent at a very young age and continues to be the child in our relationship.

This is essentially the relationship between my mom and I. She was essentially the big sister black sheep who couldn't manage her life at all, while I was the younger sibling who actually took after the people who raised him, so has to be the "responsible" one.

Goatface · Jan 23, 2026

saw a new counselor this week, she is a little odd, but asked better questions that the other chick.
been on vilazodone for about 7 weeks now, no side effect so far. next week, talk to the nurse again about changes (upping dose/adding other meds/etc) my
for a recap,
in sept my dad went into the hospital for couple of week, after that he was put under hospice care. always knew i had some issues but was able to keep them in check. dad's issues were just little to much. so looked into getting help.
my evaluation in October, said i had major depression, unresolved grief and insomnia.
i am currently living with my mom and dad to help take care of him. when this started they gave him a couple of day to a month, but he is still going. there have been a lot of ups and downs and he is slowly getting worse. today he had a very bad day and fear could sign of really bad days to come. this afternoon, had first anxiety spell in a while, but was able to keep it under control for the most part.

Goatface · Mar 21, 2026

if seen my other thread, my dad passed away earlier this month. still have issues dealing with it, but depression and anxiety have been in check. vilazodone is at 20mg, think feel the same as when on 10mg. iirc, it was upped trying to help with my insomnia.
for me, go to sleep in 5 mins, wake up 2-3 hours later, my body will feel extra tired/sluggish but can't go back to sleep for 1-2 hours. last month, started me on trazodone 50mg, which did nothing. this week drug nurse upped it to 100mg. first night it did nothing, but on nights 2 and 3, i would wake up like normal, go back to bed and blink it would be 3-4 hours later. feel better with more sleep, but it feels more like i am blacking out than sleeping.
my last appointment with counselor was just before my dad passed and i was doing ok. it snowed that day, so they wanted to change it to tele-visit, so passed on it and thought would be done with it. the drug nurse has to check in with me every 2-3 weeks and ask a bunch of questions. at some point, she just said, you need to see your counselor and set up an appointment. debating about going or not.
i think if i can still healthy and busy this summer can work my way of this and off meds.

Daidraco · Saturday at 8:55 PM

Goatface said:
if seen my other thread, my dad passed away earlier this month. still have issues dealing with it, but depression and anxiety have been in check. vilazodone is at 20mg, think feel the same as when on 10mg. iirc, it was upped trying to help with my insomnia.
for me, go to sleep in 5 mins, wake up 2-3 hours later, my body will feel extra tired/sluggish but can't go back to sleep for 1-2 hours. last month, started me on trazodone 50mg, which did nothing. this week drug nurse upped it to 100mg. first night it did nothing, but on nights 2 and 3, i would wake up like normal, go back to bed and blink it would be 3-4 hours later. feel better with more sleep, but it feels more like i am blacking out than sleeping.
my last appointment with counselor was just before my dad passed and i was doing ok. it snowed that day, so they wanted to change it to tele-visit, so passed on it and thought would be done with it. the drug nurse has to check in with me every 2-3 weeks and ask a bunch of questions. at some point, she just said, you need to see your counselor and set up an appointment. debating about going or not.
i think if i can still healthy and busy this summer can work my way of this and off meds.

My pops died a head on collision a month ago. I.. just didnt have that type of relation with him. I have a stepdad and hes been more of a father than my old man ever was. But at the same time, Im like… should I have been the bigger man and tried to have a relationship with him? Should I have tried to get close to him? He was old, I knew it was coming - but .. it always just felt so forced anytime I was around him.

But hell, Ive been going through so much shit since my DUI. With my career, my business, my bills, the classes, the restrictions- Im slowly stressing out and there is just so much shit that Im not even sure Im legally driving when I am doing something. My license seems to be restricted through the DMV but when I go - the people there say I cant have one? But the courts say I have one. My lawyer and VASAP person say I have one. I mean, what tf is even going on? I know I brought all this shit on myself, but ffs.

Or to be more specific to the subject - I think Im just overwhelmed with everything going on in my life with the license shit - that I dont even know if my mind has even really had a chance to process that Ive lost my dad. I have had the realization that if I lose my mom right now.. Im not sure Ill be able to hold it all together.

I want to ask if the medication.. any of them, are they doing anything positive? But at the exact same time- Im against taking any of that stuff.

With everything going on, demanding my time, Im still taking classes for law - I just dont have the time, and definitely feel like I dont have the energy, to go to the gym like I was. .. my body fat was already sub 15% last I checked, but my pants are looser and my stomach is flatter. Thats great, sure. But.. all of this is fucking with me more than I know I guess.

The woman Ive been chasing after since November ghosted me for like a week and then came back with this.. and I just left her on read. I honestly just dont give a fk about chasing her anymore and Im not going to pander to that type of shit when I have other women that are asking for my time but I just dont get why I lost interest all of a sudden. .. im rambling, venting to ya’ll Im so lost.

Goatface · 2026-03-29T11:52:33-0400

Daidraco said:
I want to ask if the medication.. any of them, are they doing anything positive? But at the exact same time- Im against taking any of that stuff.

anxiety
i had to deal with 2 types(?) of anxiety, one was minor, focus and slow deep breathing could get rid of it. the 2nd was could last for hours, i took hydroxyzine every 6 hours. most times would just need one, few times needed 3. it wasn't a daily thing and not had an episode since my dad passed. i had physical anxiety rather than mental anxiety. most times it felt like a huge weight/pressure on my upper chest with stomach issues.

depression and grief
don't remember what all i have posted, but been carrying a lot of unresolved grief. since covid, lost 10 people that meant a lot to me, before my dad passed. one was my best friend of over 20+ years. that was probably the start of my depression, when i look back on that is when i started getting behind on around the house tasks and started allowing clutter. a lot of it, was from starting a project and just loosing desire to finish it.
Vilazodone has reigned in my emotional swings. it has pretty much put my depression in check and have been in the right mindset to work on many projects.

sleep
i have dealt with several different types of insomnia. this most recent was the longest lasting, sleep for 1-3 hours, wake up, then 1-2 hours to got back to sleep. end up with sleeping 3-5 hours per night. now with taking trazodone for over a week, i might wake up 2-3 times a night, but able to fall back to sleep rather quickly.

there are many ways to deal with issues without meds, but it isn't easy to figure what will work. don't want to poison the well, but there are several things i have been asked to try or looked at and my brain would be like nope, this is dumb/wrong. don't believe anyone if they say this will work as everyone is different. the main thing is figure out what is going on. for the longest time, i had no idea what physical anxiety was a thing as most people talk about dealing with mental symptoms.

Daidraco said:
My pops died a head on collision a month ago. I.. just didnt have that type of relation with him. I have a stepdad and hes been more of a father than my old man ever was. But at the same time, Im like… should I have been the bigger man and tried to have a relationship with him? Should I have tried to get close to him? He was old, I knew it was coming - but .. it always just felt so forced anytime I was around him.

sorry to hear that.

Koushirou · 2026-03-29T15:47:29-0400

The physical anxiety is definitely a bitch. Posted all that shit in the dating thread, but it’s been a whole week of stress induced nausea and it’s really damn hard trying to stay calm and rational with my stomach doing that shit.

Ishad · 2026-03-30T09:11:26-0400

Had my first depressive episode since going off medication in December this month. Lasted about a week and a half.

The good news is I was able to recognize I was in it almost immediately, now just have to focus on ways to right the ship faster when it happens.

moonarchia · 2026-03-30T14:51:46-0400

Daidraco said:
My pops died a head on collision a month ago. I.. just didnt have that type of relation with him. I have a stepdad and hes been more of a father than my old man ever was. But at the same time, Im like… should I have been the bigger man and tried to have a relationship with him? Should I have tried to get close to him? He was old, I knew it was coming - but .. it always just felt so forced anytime I was around him.

But hell, Ive been going through so much shit since my DUI. With my career, my business, my bills, the classes, the restrictions- Im slowly stressing out and there is just so much shit that Im not even sure Im legally driving when I am doing something. My license seems to be restricted through the DMV but when I go - the people there say I cant have one? But the courts say I have one. My lawyer and VASAP person say I have one. I mean, what tf is even going on? I know I brought all this shit on myself, but ffs.

Or to be more specific to the subject - I think Im just overwhelmed with everything going on in my life with the license shit - that I dont even know if my mind has even really had a chance to process that Ive lost my dad. I have had the realization that if I lose my mom right now.. Im not sure Ill be able to hold it all together.

I want to ask if the medication.. any of them, are they doing anything positive? But at the exact same time- Im against taking any of that stuff.

With everything going on, demanding my time, Im still taking classes for law - I just dont have the time, and definitely feel like I dont have the energy, to go to the gym like I was. .. my body fat was already sub 15% last I checked, but my pants are looser and my stomach is flatter. Thats great, sure. But.. all of this is fucking with me more than I know I guess.

The woman Ive been chasing after since November ghosted me for like a week and then came back with this.. and I just left her on read. I honestly just dont give a fk about chasing her anymore and Im not going to pander to that type of shit when I have other women that are asking for my time but I just dont get why I lost interest all of a sudden. .. im rambling, venting to ya’ll Im so lost.
View attachment 622997

Sorry to hear about your dad. Even if you weren't close he was blood. I have only talked to my bio mom a few times, and I know I will be sad if she dies. Not life breaking grief levels of sad, but still sad.

Just keep your head down and focus on the things you can control for now. Once you have a stable place in terms of income and home you will be able to build towards what you want to do. Keep your diet and exercise routine on lock. That is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. Maybe even the most important thing. It is essential for health, and gives you a solid foundation in terms of keeping order within the chaos. Healthy body, healthy mind.

If you ever need to shoot the shit, let me now. I am hanging out with

Hatorade and

Janx on the Perky Crew eqemu these days, and I check discord once in a while. And I spend entirely too much time reading these boards.

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Depression

Aldarion

Egg Nazi

sleevedraw

Revolver Ocelot

Cutlery

Kill All the White People

Sheriff Cad

scientia potentia est

Synj

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Haus

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Izo

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Haus

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Goatface

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Daidraco

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Goatface

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Ishad

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