Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Ok venting session.

So it is summer, which is always harder because the kids are home and they drive me crazy. But I'm just feeling so freaking overwhelmed. As you may or may not remember, I spent many years as just a stay at home mom. Because I was at home and my husband was at work, everything home related was my responsibility. Cooking, cleaning, bills, laundry, yard, kids, pets: me. Work: him.

But a year and a half ago I started working too. For the past six months, as I've progressed with my career and started putting in more and more hours (I work in publishing so it isn't a 9-5 - I typically put in 60 hours a week I'd say), he has started to help more. Not much honestly - he'll clean the kitchen a couple times a week and tell the kids to go clean their rooms - but it is something. But every now and then, he gets stressed and just kind of forgets about helping out. I get that he is stressed, I mean he is working his tech job he hates full time, then comes home and works on his book - either edits on the one coming out next year, or first draft of book 2. We're both doing a lot and we haven't adjusted very well.

We've talked about it a ton. We both know there are problems with how we're managing it. I ask him for more help and he knows he should, he promises he will, but then he runs out of time or gets too stressed and it just doesn't happen. And I mean someone has to do it because we obviously need to eat and shit...

And like I said, the summer makes it worse because the kids are ALWAYS around and they are seriously driving me crazy.

Hire a male maid and take care of two birds with one stone?

Ditto a house keeper. my wife and I did that and it really helped with the stress of never having enough time.

So how do you respond to your wife when she doesn't think it's fair that just because she's the stay at home Mom, she should have to do all the house stuff? (The fact that you did all that when you were a stay at home Mom lindz is blowing my mind)

Wife and I have since living together split that she does laundry and I do dishes. She thinks dishes are gross (this feeling probably came about from years of letting them sit too long so they get gross), and I don't care, and not a fan of laundry really, so it works out. Those are our "split" duties.

She doesn't think I keep up on the dishes enough, and she sure as shit doesn't do the laundry enough. She does basically barely enough so that we have clean clothes, while dirty clothes are all over the damn place. She's not one to just bust it all out on a weekend. She'll do a load here and there to keep things going. And the longest lasting fight of our relationship is the folding and putting away of laundry. A long time ago she said she'd never iron my clothes... ok... I can live with that, but she won't put them away or fold them either. They go from dryer, to wadded up in a hamper. I tell her I can't wear wrinkled ass clothes to work, and her response is to "steam" them back in the dryer every day before work then....

This has been going on for a long while, but it's coming to a point where I'm starting to resent her for not doing more around the house. As I'm some can relate, I get that taking care of 2 kids is hard, but come on...!!

But it's a Catch 22.. I say, if I saw her put some more effort into keeping up the house, or cooking... ever... I'd be more apt to start helping out as well, but yeah... it just goes in circles.

I don't know how to really fix it, but it's maddening, and I'm sure I'm part of the problem just as much as she is. Any thoughts, tips, tricks, suggestions would be appreciated.

^ agreed.

To be honest, I'm a little surprised when I hear families that have an at home parent and still split housework. Your feelings are rational. We have lots of friends that have two working parents that split housework. Their house is in near constant disarray and that's just what they deal with and reap the benefits of having 2 salaries. The biggest perk of having an at home parent is having things at home taken care of. If you're starting to resent her for not doing housework, have you thought about 86ing the at home mom situation? Our whole family expects a lot out of the luxury of having a parent at home since we have to live off one income.

Every household is different and I obviously know nothing about your life from one post, but it's some food for thought, especially if things aren't at least being kept tidy AND it's bothering you. Encourage her to take on more and excel at her job. Praise her when she has a good day, pumps out a bunch of chores, or does what you ask. You have to make sure she knows you truly appreciate it. In the meantime, request that she at least lay your clothes out flat in a pile out of the dryer. You're right, you can't wear wrinkled clothes to work. If you have to toss them in the dryer every morning you would probably save time doing it yourself and having it done right the first time. If you both agree that dishes aren't taken care of quickly enough and that it's your job, take the initiative. Do it morning noon and night to show her that having a clean house that functions smoothly is a goal you're willing to work for.

She gets to fuck other dudes though.

It's probably better to talk about it than fight about it.

So however that translates into daily life.

Alex said:

She gets to fuck other dudes though.

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Truth. This is just the start though. Lindz has become independent, started sleeping with another man and soon she will be single, taking advice from Onoes.

Lenas said:

Truth. This is just the start though. Lindz has become independent, started sleeping with another man and soon she will be single, taking advice from Onoes.

Click to expand...

That's a little harsh.

Yeah definitely hire a house cleaner, if you have the room in your budget. My theory on that is, if you both are working, spare time is at a premium and who wants to spend that little time cleaning the shitters?

Zoe said:

^ agreed.

To be honest, I'm a little surprised when I hear families that have an at home parent and still split housework. Your feelings are rational. We have lots of friends that have two working parents that split housework. Their house is in near constant disarray and that's just what they deal with and reap the benefits of having 2 salaries. The biggest perk of having an at home parent is having things at home taken care of. If you're starting to resent her for not doing housework, have you thought about 86ing the at home mom situation? Our whole family expects a lot out of the luxury of having a parent at home since we have to live off one income.

Every household is different and I obviously know nothing about your life from one post, but it's some food for thought, especially if things aren't at least being kept tidy AND it's bothering you. Encourage her to take on more and excel at her job. Praise her when she has a good day, pumps out a bunch of chores, or does what you ask. You have to make sure she knows you truly appreciate it. In the meantime, request that she at least lay your clothes out flat in a pile out of the dryer. You're right, you can't wear wrinkled clothes to work. If you have to toss them in the dryer every morning you would probably save time doing it yourself and having it done right the first time. If you both agree that dishes aren't taken care of quickly enough and that it's your job, take the initiative. Do it morning noon and night to show her that having a clean house that functions smoothly is a goal you're willing to work for.

Click to expand...

I have to second this. We have two kids, and I have a job that allows me to keep them when they are out of school (I work IT in their school system which is small), so I basically am the caregiver, and two kids are not all THAT hard. Unless they are both under the age of 3, she should be able to do more housework. Yeah housework sucks, but so does fighting traffic for two hours every day and dealing with that coworker with smelly feet that insists on taking his shoes off every day the next cube over.

Crone I can almost relate.

My wife is terrible at keeping the house up. I would take a picture of my office again but I fear Picasso will zoom in again and crop a family photo to use a pic of me and my wife as his avatar. The little man right now is basically a tsunami when he goes room to room, he leaves a path of destruction. When he goes to bed she couldn't care less that there's a path of toys throughout the whole house. It's nothing big, it takes less than 2 minutes to pick them all up and put them in his bins, but she can be just fine to walk through it all night.

She's never done dishes, which normally I wouldn't care too much about except she gets bent out of shape if I skip a day. Also she's one of those fucking shitlords that uses 90 different bowls, utensils, and ingredients to make something like scrambled eggs. I probably use 1 plate all day.. but I digress I guess, I do the dishes.

She's gotten a little better at laundry but she's still pretty fucking terrible at it. I never have a day where I am without clean clothes, but a lot of times I have to travel down to the basement to find the stack of folded laundry (major stacks) left down there. Sometimes she'll get on a roll and fold everything on top of our bed to do one mass clothes putting-away-session and do all the folding then just leave it because who the fuck knows.

She's also an awful cook and that wouldn't matter anyways because she can never make up her mind what to eat. The other day she didn't eat lunch until 4:30 because she couldn't figure out what she wanted..

The cleaning stuff has been an issue here for awhile. I've taken care of the little man for full days before and it is not as bad as she makes it..

See 1955 for stay at home wife instructions. Anything less and you're getting duped, see 1755 for divorce and guillotine instructions.