Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Deathwing said:

What's a reasonable expectation to have of the opposite sex wrt sexual "participation"? I'm mainly looking for actions, verbal, physical, written, don't care, that shows that they're thinking of you.

I've adopted many of my wife's kinks. I'll think about them unprompted. I'll think about doing them with her. My porn viewing habits have changed over the years. I used to be very conversive with her, suggesting ideas, telling her I wanted to do this or that. I've pretty much stopped because it felt like a one way street. There was rarely any reciprocation. None of my kinks have rubbed off on her. She very rarely tells me she wants to do something that she knows we both enjoy, and it's usually only after I prompt her. I'll admit that isn't great to ask "hey, what do you want to do for sex?", but I'm not getting anything out of her otherwise.

Few days ago she comes home after a week vacation with her friend. I had spent the week working and taking care of our kid. I figured if she was going to come back recharged and wanting to do stuff, it would be then. Nothing. We had "oh, we're both going to bed at the same time, want something quick?" sex. It was fun, especially after not seeing each other for a week. But we frequently go more than a week without sex. It was fucking just to get off, not sexual intercourse, so to speak. I feel like that's important for a relationship.

We just discussed this and she told me, paraphrasing, that she was horny, just pick something, she trusts me. Have I overcompensated?

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Sounds like you need for her to come up with a safe word and just start pushing boundaries until you hear it if she isnt going to be an adult and have a conversation about what she likes and when she likes it.

I don't post here very often but kind of at a loss for my situation and looking for genuine advice.

I've been with this woman since May 2020, she's in her mid 30s. We dated for a small bit, moved in together December 2020, then I moved out/broke up with her in Sept 2021. Talked off and on afterwards, I felt super bad that she was so sad about us breaking up, and kept in contact with her. We started seeing each other again early 2022 and have been spending every weekend with her since.

She's a super nice person, thoughtful, caring, close to her family, successful. When we're together we just watch TV, play video games, hike, or travel. But the one thing that bugs me, and has always bugged me, is that I feel like I can't talk to her. She's not very forward with her feelings or expressive, I always have to pry it out of her and we never really have anything to talk about but just small talk. She holds a lot of her emotions in and she starts to cry when I want to have more serious conversations about us. I told her since the beginning I was interested in having a family and settling down but she never really talks about that, she says she wants to travel before having a family. In the two years I've known her, she's never really expressed any real desire to have a family but said she does want one eventually (at her age I just find that weird).

From what I know about myself is that I find a deeper connection with people that I can converse with, about anything. Whether it's politics, science, mysteries of the universe, or whatever. When we moved in together, I really felt the void in that type of activity and it created resentment on my side that built up until I moved out.

I guess it just feels weird to me to have someone that is ideal, but that you can't really connect and have meaningful conversations with. The company is nice and pleasant, but that's it. I honestly feel selfish for wanting more and keep circling back to there being something wrong with me. I've talked to her about this issue multiple times but she never really has anything to say. I'm at a loss for what to do because I don't want to waste anymore of her time or my time by being together if this something that will certainly be a roadblock in the future, but I also don't want to make a mistake and leave her again if it's ultimately a problem with me that I haven't figured out yet.

Any suggestions?

Masakari said:

I don't post here very often but kind of at a loss for my situation and looking for genuine advice.

I've been with this woman since May 2020, she's in her mid 30s. We dated for a small bit, moved in together December 2020, then I moved out/broke up with her in Sept 2021. Talked off and on afterwards, I felt super bad that she was so sad about us breaking up, and kept in contact with her. We started seeing each other again early 2022 and have been spending every weekend with her since.

She's a super nice person, thoughtful, caring, close to her family, successful. When we're together we just watch TV, play video games, hike, or travel. But the one thing that bugs me, and has always bugged me, is that I feel like I can't talk to her. She's not very forward with her feelings or expressive, I always have to pry it out of her and we never really have anything to talk about but just small talk. She holds a lot of her emotions in and she starts to cry when I want to have more serious conversations about us. I told her since the beginning I was interested in having a family and settling down but she never really talks about that, she says she wants to travel before having a family. In the two years I've known her, she's never really expressed any real desire to have a family but said she does want one eventually (at her age I just find that weird).

From what I know about myself is that I find a deeper connection with people that I can converse with, about anything. Whether it's politics, science, mysteries of the universe, or whatever. When we moved in together, I really felt the void in that type of activity and it created resentment on my side that built up until I moved out.

I guess it just feels weird to me to have someone that is ideal, but that you can't really connect and have meaningful conversations with. The company is nice and pleasant, but that's it. I honestly feel selfish for wanting more and keep circling back to there being something wrong with me. I've talked to her about this issue multiple times but she never really has anything to say. I'm at a loss for what to do because I don't want to waste anymore of her time or my time by being together if this something that will certainly be a roadblock in the future, but I also don't want to make a mistake and leave her again if it's ultimately a problem with me that I haven't figured out yet.

Any suggestions?

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I’ve been in this position before as the person who was unwilling to talk more deeply on relationship matters. I was in that position for two years. She would occasionally ask me to talk about making things progress further and I’d say yep we’re gonna do that some day or make up some kind of weak discussion about it.

The cause? I loved being with the woman I was with, and in a different world I could have been more with her, but ultimately I wasn’t into her enough to commit more, but at the same time I enjoyed my time with her so much I didn’t want to move on. We spent 5-7 days a week together, traveled together extensively, barely ever had an argument, etcetera. She was in many ways perfect for me, but wasn’t. She was my best friend but I wasn’t passionately attracted to her as a partner, which wasn’t fair to her.

We are obviously no longer together as a couple but I talk to her every single day and we occasionally meet up for lunch or a hike.

So I’m not saying your lady is in the same position as I was, but I feel like if you’re truly, madly into someone, you’ll open up to them and actively want to discuss matters.

Masakari said:

I don't post here very often but kind of at a loss for my situation and looking for genuine advice.

I've been with this woman since May 2020, she's in her mid 30s. We dated for a small bit, moved in together December 2020, then I moved out/broke up with her in Sept 2021. Talked off and on afterwards, I felt super bad that she was so sad about us breaking up, and kept in contact with her. We started seeing each other again early 2022 and have been spending every weekend with her since.

She's a super nice person, thoughtful, caring, close to her family, successful. When we're together we just watch TV, play video games, hike, or travel. But the one thing that bugs me, and has always bugged me, is that I feel like I can't talk to her. She's not very forward with her feelings or expressive, I always have to pry it out of her and we never really have anything to talk about but just small talk. She holds a lot of her emotions in and she starts to cry when I want to have more serious conversations about us. I told her since the beginning I was interested in having a family and settling down but she never really talks about that, she says she wants to travel before having a family. In the two years I've known her, she's never really expressed any real desire to have a family but said she does want one eventually (at her age I just find that weird).

From what I know about myself is that I find a deeper connection with people that I can converse with, about anything. Whether it's politics, science, mysteries of the universe, or whatever. When we moved in together, I really felt the void in that type of activity and it created resentment on my side that built up until I moved out.

I guess it just feels weird to me to have someone that is ideal, but that you can't really connect and have meaningful conversations with. The company is nice and pleasant, but that's it. I honestly feel selfish for wanting more and keep circling back to there being something wrong with me. I've talked to her about this issue multiple times but she never really has anything to say. I'm at a loss for what to do because I don't want to waste anymore of her time or my time by being together if this something that will certainly be a roadblock in the future, but I also don't want to make a mistake and leave her again if it's ultimately a problem with me that I haven't figured out yet.

Any suggestions?

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I would basically tell her exactly what you said here.

1. Question her logic on wanting to having a family at "someday" at her age
2. Tell her that her inability/unwillingness to take part in a deep meaningful conversation is creating a wedge that grows bigger every day.

Depending on her comfort level as well as yours maybe try some edibles to help her loosen up - this is the casual option. If you guys really want to go for it, take a Retreat to a trusted recommended facility and do some Ayahuasca, Shrooms or MDMA. I know that sounds crazy/extreme but you would be amazed at the barriers those drugs can knock down.

Oblio said:

I would basically tell her exactly what you said here.

1. Question her logic on wanting to having a family at "someday" at her age
2. Tell her that her inability/unwillingness to take part in a deep meaningful conversation is creating a wedge that grows bigger every day.

Depending on her comfort level as well as yours maybe try some edibles to help her loosen up - this is the casual option. If you guys really want to go for it, take a Retreat to a trusted recommended facility and do some Ayahuasca, Shrooms or MDMA. I know that sounds crazy/extreme but you would be amazed at the barriers those drugs can knock down.

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I've had this talk with her several times, she doesn't really have anything to say. She just sits and listens, that's pretty much it. When it comes to the family stuff, she just says she wants one but wants to travel with me a little bit before that happens. Traveling (which she has done) was her mitigating circumstance for having a family. I wouldn't want to rely on those substances to open her up, I would prefer to find another avenue for that.

Jackie Treehorn said:

I’ve been in this position before as the person who was unwilling to talk more deeply on relationship matters. I was in that position for two years. She would occasionally ask me to talk about making things progress further and I’d say yep we’re gonna do that some day or make up some kind of weak discussion about it.

The cause? I loved being with the woman I was with, and in a different world I could have been more with her, but ultimately I wasn’t into her enough to commit more, but at the same time I enjoyed my time with her so much I didn’t want to move on. We spent 5-7 days a week together, traveled together extensively, barely ever had an argument, etcetera. She was in many ways perfect for me, but wasn’t. She was my best friend but I wasn’t passionately attracted to her as a partner, which wasn’t fair to her.

We are obviously no longer together as a couple but I talk to her every single day and we occasionally meet up for lunch or a hike.

So I’m not saying your lady is in the same position as I was, but I feel like if you’re truly, madly into someone, you’ll open up to them and actively want to discuss matters.

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That does sound like us, and her. I really feel that deeper connection is missing and I've never really been able to put my finger on it, but we do enjoy each other's company. I was a bit down in the beginning that she didn't want to have sex as much as I did and I told her it's probably because deep down she's not as sexually attracted to me, and that's fine. I don't think we've ever had sex more than once a day ever, not even in the beginning, and it never feels as intimate as a lot of experiences I've had unfortunately but I try not to think about that.

McCheese said:

She isn't ideal if you can't connect and have meaningful conversations. Don't waste anymore time.

Also, if she isn't 100% on the same page in regards to starting a family, you're doubly wasting time. I speak from experience. I ended a relationship of 3 years with someone similar (fun to be with, but not forthcoming with emotions and unwilling to commit to starting a family like I was). It sucked, but I found someone who truly is ideal and my life has been better ever since.

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Thank you McCheese.

I appreciate everyone's input.

She cried for 4-5 months after we broke up and it destroyed me inside. I think it made me cave in so she would stop being sad. I don't think it made anything better.

Control said:

I'll speculate that she's just not someone who has meaningful conversations (or thoughts). She probably coasts along and would go along with anything you wanted, so long as you cared enough about it to steer the ship. I would assume that it's not that she's not opening up, it's that there's nothing to open.

I could be way off base, and it could be a comfort thing. You lived with her for a year though, so I would also assume that this is never going to change. It's either something you can live with for the next 40 years or not.

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You're 100% right. She is fine coasting and going along with whatever. I don't think she is someone that has meaningful thoughts to share. It bugs me a lot, especially when we lived together.

Masakari said:

I've had this talk with her several times, she doesn't really have anything to say. She just sits and listens, that's pretty much it. When it comes to the family stuff, she just says she wants one but wants to travel with me a little bit before that happens. Traveling (which she has done) was her mitigating circumstance for having a family. I wouldn't want to rely on those substances to open her up, I would prefer to find another avenue for that.

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For clarification, I did not mean to imply that drugs should be used every time you want to have a deep conversation. The harder drugs I referenced were meant as a one off to open her up and get the ball rolling.

Maybe she doesn't know how to open up.

Are either of her parents "guarded" like she is? Or is more like Control said there is nothing to open.

From your first post I got the impression she was holding back, if that is not the case then disregard.

Oblio said:

For clarification, I did not mean to imply that drugs should be used every time you want to have a deep conversation. The harder drugs I referenced were meant as a one off to open her up and get the ball rolling.

Maybe she doesn't know how to open up.

Are either of her parents "guarded" like she is? Or is more like Control said there is nothing to open.

From your first post I got the impression she was holding back, if that is not the case then disregard.

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I get it, she just isn't open to any of that stuff. When we used to drink together, she wouldn't ever open up or talk about much. If it was about 90 Day Fiance or her friends, she would have loads to talk about lol... but that's not really anything substantitive or really opinionated.

She used to party a lot in her 20-30s in Scottsdale. Bragged about going to Vegas or night clubs and getting guys to buy her and her friends drinks. I initially thought she was a whore when she would talk about that but she's super reserved in that sexual regard. Even with me.

Just sucks, I agree it's not fair to keep it going for either of us. It's easier to walk away from a relationship that experiences a clear act of disrespect but something like this. I just keep wrapping my head in doubt thinking I am the problem because she is such a nice and outgoing person. Like somehow I'm corrupted and that's the reason I'm unhappy. Makes me want to shut off my brain so I don't think about it anymore.

Masakari said:

Just sucks, I agree it's not fair to keep it going for either of us.

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Have you said these words to her?

Based of your words "She's a super nice person, thoughtful, caring, close to her family, successful." it sounds like she would be a great wife and mom, but at the end of the day you would be "settling."

That is a really weird position to be in.

Oblio said:

Have you said these words to her?

Based of your words "She's a super nice person, thoughtful, caring, close to her family, successful." it sounds like she would be a great wife and mom, but at the end of the day you would be "settling."

That is a really weird position to be in.

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Yes, I've made several attempts to sit down and discuss these issues with her, especially the family one. And that we shouldn't waste each others' time. And it usually ends with her saying she wants a family but wants to travel more. Maybe she tells me that to end the talk.

She sometimes mocks my words that I told her that "someone her age should know whether they want to have children or not", and I truly believe that. I don't know why she takes offense to it and throws it back to me. All her friends her age are single, in their upper 30s, and have difficulty holding onto guys.

She never takes blame for anything, maybe that's why I constantly feel like it's me that's the problem.

I'm going to have another talk with her this weekend but don't even feel it's worth it. If I have to work this hard to know whether she wants a family with me or not, it's probably getting toxic.

When we lived together, I gained 40lbs, was depressed, and drank more. I think these were symptoms of me putting off these issues and hoping it would get better. After we broke up and moved out, I've gotten in much better shape.

The thought of moving back in again kind of scares me.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone, I don't talk about this often with people but it does help provide some perspective and understanding rather than being a jumble of thoughts stuck in my head.

Masakari said:

I don't post here very often but kind of at a loss for my situation and looking for genuine advice.

I've been with this woman since May 2020, she's in her mid 30s. We dated for a small bit, moved in together December 2020, then I moved out/broke up with her in Sept 2021. Talked off and on afterwards, I felt super bad that she was so sad about us breaking up, and kept in contact with her. We started seeing each other again early 2022 and have been spending every weekend with her since.

She's a super nice person, thoughtful, caring, close to her family, successful. When we're together we just watch TV, play video games, hike, or travel. But the one thing that bugs me, and has always bugged me, is that I feel like I can't talk to her. She's not very forward with her feelings or expressive, I always have to pry it out of her and we never really have anything to talk about but just small talk. She holds a lot of her emotions in and she starts to cry when I want to have more serious conversations about us. I told her since the beginning I was interested in having a family and settling down but she never really talks about that, she says she wants to travel before having a family. In the two years I've known her, she's never really expressed any real desire to have a family but said she does want one eventually (at her age I just find that weird).

From what I know about myself is that I find a deeper connection with people that I can converse with, about anything. Whether it's politics, science, mysteries of the universe, or whatever. When we moved in together, I really felt the void in that type of activity and it created resentment on my side that built up until I moved out.

I guess it just feels weird to me to have someone that is ideal, but that you can't really connect and have meaningful conversations with. The company is nice and pleasant, but that's it. I honestly feel selfish for wanting more and keep circling back to there being something wrong with me. I've talked to her about this issue multiple times but she never really has anything to say. I'm at a loss for what to do because I don't want to waste anymore of her time or my time by being together if this something that will certainly be a roadblock in the future, but I also don't want to make a mistake and leave her again if it's ultimately a problem with me that I haven't figured out yet.

Any suggestions?

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If you wish she was different now, you'll experience this x1000 if you marry her. Regretting marrying her will create ALL SORTS OF ISSUES beyond her emotional immaturity.

Find someone you don't want to change and someone who doesn't want to change you. Give yourself the best chance to live the life you want to live.

Masakari said:

Yes, I've made several attempts to sit down and discuss these issues with her, especially the family one. And that we shouldn't waste each others' time. And it usually ends with her saying she wants a family but wants to travel more. Maybe she tells me that to end the talk.

She sometimes mocks my words that I told her that "someone her age should know whether they want to have children or not", and I truly believe that. I don't know why she takes offense to it and throws it back to me. All her friends her age are single, in their upper 30s, and have difficulty holding onto guys.

She never takes blame for anything, maybe that's why I constantly feel like it's me that's the problem.

I'm going to have another talk with her this weekend but don't even feel it's worth it. If I have to work this hard to know whether she wants a family with me or not, it's probably getting toxic.

When we lived together, I gained 40lbs, was depressed, and drank more. I think these were symptoms of me putting off these issues and hoping it would get better. After we broke up and moved out, I've gotten in much better shape.

The thought of moving back in again kind of scares me.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone, I don't talk about this often with people but it does help provide some perspective and understanding rather than being a jumble of thoughts stuck in my head.

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Based on all the new information provided in this post my advice is simple...

If shes in her mid 30s kids isn't in the cards for her. If that's what you want go look elsewhere.