Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Koushirou said:

Is there like some guide to communication in general? Some ways to practice? Anything? I'm fucking terrible at it. Anytime there was a problem I would only ever bring it up once and if it got brushed aside, I just buried it and was done with it, but that's obviously a shit way to do things and I'm sure has certainly contributed to where I am now. I'm so self-conscious about being just another annoying wife/girlfriend/etc. that just bitches about everything all the time and makes their man's life hell. How do you find the balance?

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Eh even being married as long as I have been it’s always been a challenge. My wife wants to drop hints at what she wants, and I’ve made it very clear she’s only going to get what she wants if she tells me. On the flip side, she’ll ask me what’s the matter, I’ll tell her and she’ll be like, “what’s really the matter?” Well, what I just told you was the matter AND the fact that you don’t fucking listen.

Fucker said:

I think he's referring to touchy/feely shit. Some people need a huge amount of it, and it gets really old really fast.

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Mostly this. Emotional intimacy is fucking exhausting. I can tolerate it in small doses (mostly listening), but it gets old, and it's even more exhausting when someone expects reciprocation. I don't even know how I feel most of the time.

Without going down the whole "asexuality is a spectrum" rabbit hole and pulling out ridiculous charts like this or labels like "demisexual" or "gray asexual"...



...the short version is that I have desires and fantasies, and those desires and fantasies are very much Kinsey 6 and have always been Kinsey 6. But it's like the nerve endings in my skin weren't installed correctly, and most of the time I just don't like the way someone touching me feels, regardless of whether it's sex or totally platonic like one of my relatives giving me a hug.

Koushirou said:

Is there like some guide to communication in general? Some ways to practice? Anything? I'm fucking terrible at it. Anytime there was a problem I would only ever bring it up once and if it got brushed aside, I just buried it and was done with it, but that's obviously a shit way to do things and I'm sure has certainly contributed to where I am now. I'm so self-conscious about being just another annoying wife/girlfriend/etc. that just bitches about everything all the time and makes their man's life hell. How do you find the balance?

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I think it's all about how you do it. If you are approachable and just want to talk, and it's not just a bitch session... then its not a bitch session. If you make it painful, it'll be painful. If you don't, it doesn't have to be.

I think it's important to not make talks about "here's all the things you do that I don't like and why you're such an asshole" - instead do in a non-accusatory way. "It hurts my feelings when you say X, you may not mean it that way but thats how it affects me. Could you not say it that way or say Y or Z instead, it will be less hurtful." If your partner is "haha what a pussy, I'll say X whenever I want, fuck off" then thats not productive and thats not your person. If you do it in a respectful way and it's not a bitch session hidden behind better words, then it will be fine.

Communication is a two way street though, and both people have to want to do it. You have to resist the urge to go low and be mean. You shouldn't want to be mean to your person, they are your person.

When you do get mad, try not to use arguing words. I mean arguing words are like just calling each other names, "you always do X" or "you never respect me" etc.. just hurling things at each other that aren't productive. Always be trying to move your relationship and understanding forwards, not backwards. When a conversation gets to the point where it's just name calling, stop and cool off and try again.

Everything needs to be talked about, EVERYTHING. Your deepest darkest insecurities, especially. This person is supposed to be your life partner, you have got to be laid bare to them. And they to you. And you shouldn't judge them for theirs (even if they are silly or cliche) and they shouldn't judge you either.

Sorry I don't know what more to say because we're not discussing a specific thing. I'm the last person to ask how to find a new partner since I haven't dated, but I'm pretty good at sustaining a relationship!

sleevedraw said:

Mostly this. Emotional intimacy is fucking exhausting. I can tolerate it in small doses (mostly listening), but it gets old, and it's even more exhausting when someone expects reciprocation. I don't even know how I feel most of the time.

Without going down the whole "asexuality is a spectrum" rabbit hole and pulling out ridiculous charts like this or labels like "demisexual" or "gray asexual"...

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...the short version is that I have desires and fantasies, and those desires and fantasies are very much Kinsey 6 and have always been Kinsey 6. But it's like the nerve endings in my skin weren't installed correctly, and most of the time I just don't like the way someone touching me feels, regardless of whether it's sex or totally platonic like one of my relatives giving me a hug.

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Has there ever been anybody that you did like touching you or has it always been like this with everybody?

I don't really like most people touching me, like I find the way a lot of older men will put their hand on your shoulder or something while talking to you annoying as shit. And strange women always want to hug you hello or whatever. I don't like that touching. But me and my wife are like always sitting close enough that we're constantly touching, we sleep touching each other, etc.

Was there a partner in the past that did do it for you and this guy just doesn't? Was it always like this with him as well or has it evolved into this?

Cad said:

Has there ever been anybody that you did like touching you or has it always been like this with everybody?

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Always been that way. I have a very small sample size compared with most people.

Seananigans said:

Have you ever tried hypnotism? It requires being open to it for it to work, but it might be worth exploring. You seem to be confused (and reading between the lines, more than a bit frustrated or exasperated) about yourself. That shit must suck.

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Not open to anyone having that kind of power over me. I'm not looking to change the way I think; I like the way I think well enough (same reason I've never been on ADs, drunk, or high).

I just wish I could take everything/most everything I "feel" and discard it. Mindfulness? I don't know.

I'm not; I fully admit that.

And I don't think there's a way to fix me, so I'll just shut up and let others get their turn in.