Marriage and the Power of Divorce

Noodleface

Noodleface

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Not really a marriage question per se, but tangientially related since it involves my wife.

She was a stay at home mom for about 8 or 9 years until last year. She was making some comments about feeling lonely so we decided she should start working again just to get out of the house. The money aspect was really just a bonus because I can support us both, but figured it might give her a sense of purpose and contribution plus allow her to interact with actual adults.

Fast forward now and she's been complaining a bit that she doesn't have any friends. Neither of us really do, but for me it's kind of just how I roll, I've always been kind of a loner and prefer it most times. She's not crazy social, but I think when she drifted apart from her best friends there's a void there. I fill what I can being me, but I can understand she's got no outlet away from me. I was hoping she might make friends at her job, but really all she has are work acquaintances.

She complained a couple times and I tried to offer some advice, but it's been more frequent lately and I'm starting to worry it's making her depressed. Compound that with the fact it's difficult for any adult to make new friends, I'm not really sure what to do.

I've thought about what kind of activities she could do, either solo or as a couple, that might allow her to get out there a bit but I'm not sure.

Any advice?
 
Cutlery

Cutlery

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I sure as hell don't have any. All of my friends have literally just involved luck. Right place, right time, right people who actually want to do shit with me. Might be different for women though - maybe acquaintances are good enough and some kinda club or league or some shit is fine. I don't really know that it would work for me - but I guess all of my friends have shared interests of some sort.
 
Kithani

Kithani

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Noodleface said:
Not really a marriage question per se, but tangientially related since it involves my wife.

She was a stay at home mom for about 8 or 9 years until last year. She was making some comments about feeling lonely so we decided she should start working again just to get out of the house. The money aspect was really just a bonus because I can support us both, but figured it might give her a sense of purpose and contribution plus allow her to interact with actual adults.

Fast forward now and she's been complaining a bit that she doesn't have any friends. Neither of us really do, but for me it's kind of just how I roll, I've always been kind of a loner and prefer it most times. She's not crazy social, but I think when she drifted apart from her best friends there's a void there. I fill what I can being me, but I can understand she's got no outlet away from me. I was hoping she might make friends at her job, but really all she has are work acquaintances.

She complained a couple times and I tried to offer some advice, but it's been more frequent lately and I'm starting to worry it's making her depressed. Compound that with the fact it's difficult for any adult to make new friends, I'm not really sure what to do.

I've thought about what kind of activities she could do, either solo or as a couple, that might allow her to get out there a bit but I'm not sure.

Any advice?
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My wife does a book club that meets once every month or two and enjoys that
 
moonarchia

moonarchia

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Noodleface said:
Not really a marriage question per se, but tangientially related since it involves my wife.

She was a stay at home mom for about 8 or 9 years until last year. She was making some comments about feeling lonely so we decided she should start working again just to get out of the house. The money aspect was really just a bonus because I can support us both, but figured it might give her a sense of purpose and contribution plus allow her to interact with actual adults.

Fast forward now and she's been complaining a bit that she doesn't have any friends. Neither of us really do, but for me it's kind of just how I roll, I've always been kind of a loner and prefer it most times. She's not crazy social, but I think when she drifted apart from her best friends there's a void there. I fill what I can being me, but I can understand she's got no outlet away from me. I was hoping she might make friends at her job, but really all she has are work acquaintances.

She complained a couple times and I tried to offer some advice, but it's been more frequent lately and I'm starting to worry it's making her depressed. Compound that with the fact it's difficult for any adult to make new friends, I'm not really sure what to do.

I've thought about what kind of activities she could do, either solo or as a couple, that might allow her to get out there a bit but I'm not sure.

Any advice?
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Check in with her old friends if they parted amicably? If your kids are old enough to be home alone try some sort of social activities with her? Ballroom dancing? Martial arts? Etc?
 
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Noodleface

Noodleface

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Well her old best friend is still her friend but they only meet every few months. I think she's looking for a close friend.

We do stuff together but I really think she wants friends that aren't me, which I understand.

She does do a book club but it's her family. Perhaps I can try to find another book club that's just local.
 
Ishad

Ishad

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Get her to solve her problems rather than trying to solve them for her. Being the stay at home parent can be incredibly isolating, especially if you’re not a pta mom. She’s likely experienced a loss of self and at this point might not even know where to start.

she may need a third party, read therapist, to help her figure out what she really wants.

an easy prompt you can do is to talk about is what you/her would want to do individually when you are both retired/kids are out of the house.
 
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Bald Brah

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How old, what kind of shape? There's tons of adventure clubs out there. Kayaking biking hiking. If you're more home bodies maybe a stationary cycling or circuit training class or something? Lots of automotive type clubs. Jeeping motorcycles boating...

Tons of ways to meet people. Hell you could do door dash and meet horny housewives.
 
Noodleface

Noodleface

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Ishad said:
Get her to solve her problems rather than trying to solve them for her. Being the stay at home parent can be incredibly isolating, especially if you’re not a pta mom. She’s likely experienced a loss of self and at this point might not even know where to start.

she may need a third party, read therapist, to help her figure out what she really wants.

an easy prompt you can do is to talk about is what you/her would want to do individually when you are both retired/kids are out of the house.
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I'm not really trying to solve her per se, but more so trying to nudge her in the right direction.
Bald Brah said:
How old, what kind of shape? There's tons of adventure clubs out there. Kayaking biking hiking. If you're more home bodies maybe a stationary cycling or circuit training class or something? Lots of automotive type clubs. Jeeping motorcycles boating...

Tons of ways to meet people. Hell you could do door dash and meet horny housewives.
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41, great shape. She loves hiking so I wonder if maybe there's a hiking group she could join.

I enjoy hiking but not at the level she does.
 
Ishad

Ishad

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Meetup is a great way to find activity groups, timeleft is another great app that she or both of you can use to meet people that you wouldn’t meet organically.
 
Control

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Noodleface said:
I'm not really trying to solve her per se, but more so trying to nudge her in the right direction.

41, great shape. She loves hiking so I wonder if maybe there's a hiking group she could join.

I enjoy hiking but not at the level she does.
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Did she actually start working? If not, something part time might help her get to know some extra people, or maybe volunteering somewhere.
 
Fogel

Fogel

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Noodleface said:
I'm not really trying to solve her per se, but more so trying to nudge her in the right direction.

41, great shape. She loves hiking so I wonder if maybe there's a hiking group she could join.

I enjoy hiking but not at the level she does.
Click to expand...

Bouldering/rock climbing. Almost everyone who does this is very community oriented.
 
Control

Control

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Noodleface said:
Yeah she works full-time at a school
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Ah, I guess the coworkers aren't really doing the trick then. It sucks job hunting/hopping, but it might be worth looking for a job with coworkers that better align, especially if that was a major reason that she went back to work in the first place. No reason to spend 8 hours a day doing something that isn't filling the need that you started doing it for.
 
Ishad

Ishad

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Another thing you can do is take some of the load off of her so she feels like she has more time to pursue hobbies and personal connections. Think of what some of the things she normally does around the house on a routine basis and start doing them.
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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Ishad said:
Another thing you can do is take some of the load off of her so she feels like she has more time to pursue hobbies and personal connections. Think of what some of the things she normally does around the house on a routine basis and start doing them.
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Get your kids to play WOW with you so mom can have some relaxation time around the house. Base their allowance on them farming phat lewtz for you.
 
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Cad

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Noodleface said:
Not really a marriage question per se, but tangientially related since it involves my wife.

She was a stay at home mom for about 8 or 9 years until last year. She was making some comments about feeling lonely so we decided she should start working again just to get out of the house. The money aspect was really just a bonus because I can support us both, but figured it might give her a sense of purpose and contribution plus allow her to interact with actual adults.

Fast forward now and she's been complaining a bit that she doesn't have any friends. Neither of us really do, but for me it's kind of just how I roll, I've always been kind of a loner and prefer it most times. She's not crazy social, but I think when she drifted apart from her best friends there's a void there. I fill what I can being me, but I can understand she's got no outlet away from me. I was hoping she might make friends at her job, but really all she has are work acquaintances.

She complained a couple times and I tried to offer some advice, but it's been more frequent lately and I'm starting to worry it's making her depressed. Compound that with the fact it's difficult for any adult to make new friends, I'm not really sure what to do.

I've thought about what kind of activities she could do, either solo or as a couple, that might allow her to get out there a bit but I'm not sure.

Any advice?
Click to expand...
Me and the wife try to do "most" things together other than things that are obviously guy activities .. i.e. she won't go shoot clays, but she'll go target shoot. I don't really care to go to brunch with the girls.

But since you guys aren't doing those things separately and are looking for stuff to do, I'd really try to find couples things to do together. All the cliche stuff is cliche because it works... cooking classes, brewery events (they just try to sell you shit, but you can say no), any kind of sports events (you can meet like 50 people a day playing pickleball), do they have any obstacle course type of things near you? There's always hiking, biking, running clubs, clubs of all sorts for all kinds of activities.

There's clubs for goddamn model trains.

Rather than saying "I want to meet people, how do I do that" I think it makes a lot more sense to say: "what do I want to do, and I'll meet people who do that."

Brainstorm 4-5 activities to go do together. At least here in DFW (and I'm sure where you are too) they have arcades that you pay by the hour so each game is basically free - play gauntlet or street fighter or something with her and just have a good time while chugging beers. There's always other people there to talk to and hang out with. Get some doubles air hockey going.

There's a million things to do out in the world. Pick a few and go meet the people doing them.
 
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Noodleface

Noodleface

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Thanks boys this is all solid advice. Think I'm gonna start with some more social date nights. I also found an applachian trail club that does tons of hikes around here.

As far as world of warcraft... I'd much sooner walk off a bridge than play another mmo
 
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moonarchia

moonarchia

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Noodleface said:
Thanks boys this is all solid advice. Think I'm gonna start with some more social date nights. I also found an applachian trail club that does tons of hikes around here.

As far as world of warcraft... I'd much sooner walk off a bridge than play another mmo
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The minivan awaits. Always.
 
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