moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Any child support or alimony, or was it split finances and go separate ways?
Either way, sorry it happened. Glad you weren't destroyed by it.
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Marriage and the Power of Divorce
- Thread starter Grumpus
- Start date
Either way, sorry it happened. Glad you weren't destroyed by it.
Seananigans
Honorary Shit-PhD
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Nah no lingering stuff other than the judgment against her to pay half the shared debt to me (I pay it in full to clear it from our shared names).
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Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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Everyones a statistic in something, don't let this be the one that gets you down. Choosing to move on from a bad situation and for your eventual happiness isn't something to be upset with.
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Izo
Tranny Chaser
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The FOH naughty bits and tits thread
I'm over there as Herv again. Just tell me where to post my wife's tits... @Herv Right here, mate.
Grats on moving on, Sir.
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Ishad
Ahn'Qiraj Raider
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I think every normal person feels some sort of shame or guilt as if divorce is some sort of personal or moral failure. You can’t keep a marriage together through your own will, it still takes two people.
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Tarrant
<Prior Amod>
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Yep. Almost 20 years later I still feel sad about my first divorce. It sucks, honestly, but it’s how it works I guess.
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Cutlery
Kill All the White People
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Near as I can tell, the vast majority of relationships fall into some variation of one person carrying all the weight and the other being a piece of shit. The trick is finding someone who would carry all the weight, and then you carrying your own weight, and then getting lucky that they don't decide to be a piece of shit after they see that you're carrying the weight.
The first part is hard. The second part is just being a decent person, so that's pretty easy. The third feels like a fucking saving throw on a D20.
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Sheriff Cad
scientia potentia est
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You are spot on here. I think part of the magic is to be a partner that someone would fight to keep, thus tipping the scales that they won’t turn into a piece of shit at some point.
But even then, people are retarded and don’t operate from logic all the time, so even if you are doing everything right they can be a total piece of shit. And really, there’s no way to know if you are doing everything right - you just have to do the best you can.
I like to view relationships as 2 stepladders sitting side by side. You have to climb yours, the partner has to climb theirs, and you have to carry an object (your relationship) between you as you ascend the stairs. If you go up before your partner, the load becomes unbalanced and you’ll drop it. If your partner rushes up while you’re still on step 1, the load becomes unbalanced and you’ll drop it. The only way to raise the load to the top is for you to take one step, and the partner to take one step, and so on.
This metaphor works on a lot of levels and can be used to guide your decisions in a relationship. Is the person on the same step as me or am I being a dumbass and rushing ahead, ensuring that the other person will break my heart? Is the person rushing ahead of me, guaranteeing that I’m going to have to break their heart? Or do we go together one step by one step?
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fris
Vyemm Raider
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been dating a girl for just over a year and starting to consider how we get more serious. we each have kids, my 2 and her 3. our oldest at the same age, my youngest is same as her middle, her youngest is 11. i'm 50, she's 43. I have no idea how to tackle getting all of us into one home. neither of our homes is big enough for all of us. her home would sell faster, but she's got more debt. mine needs some repairs to be sellable, i have no debt but the home and my new truck that I hope to have cleared in a year.
we're not in a rush to be married, small ceremony if we do, maybe a destination thing w/ closest friends. not wanting to celebrate a 2nd time w/ family that went to our first ones.
there's an option of renting a home, something along the size and location of what we'd buy. but the jew in me shivers at the though of paying for 2 (3) homes at the same time.
any tips for blending kids?
we're not in a rush to be married, small ceremony if we do, maybe a destination thing w/ closest friends. not wanting to celebrate a 2nd time w/ family that went to our first ones.
there's an option of renting a home, something along the size and location of what we'd buy. but the jew in me shivers at the though of paying for 2 (3) homes at the same time.
any tips for blending kids?
moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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1. Do not cohabitate or commingle finances before marrying. Ever. That is epic level retardation.
2. Figure out if your kids even get along first. If they don't, you may want to put a hold on things until your nests are emptier. Try some family events together. Dinner and movie night type stuff.
3. 6 bedroom house or kids would have to share rooms. Those logistics are the easiest, though. You need to work on 1 and 2 before you even start thinking about this.
If you're not in a rush to get married, then stick with the status quo for now. Look for opportunities for your kids to do stuff with her kids, etc. Though from the ages, your kids are in middle/high school, so that is going to be a very tough sell. They could hate each other. They could want to date each other. You are going to need to be prepared for a lot of headaches.
The easiest path would be to wait for at least the oldest 2 to graduate and go to college or send them out to work and learn how to rent their own place etc. 7 people under 1 roof is a nightmare when it's one family. You've done 5 before, so you at least have some idea about that.
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Sheriff Cad
scientia potentia est
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All the people I've talked to with blended families, the issue is always mismanaged expectations. Always.
You need to talk it out and decide if you each want to be parents to each others kids, or not. Blended families can work one of two ways; either both people are parents to both kids as if they are biological, and you stick to that. So no "I'll decide for my kids!" - you are BOTH parents, and step-dad/mom has equal authority. This is never to be challenged. Option #2 is your kids are your kids, her kids are her kids, and you're responsible for parenting yours and she's responsible for parenting hers. This works if you have differing parenting styles, but here the key is you have to actually parent and you have to talk to each other to resolve disputes over misbehaving children without recrimination, which is hard and requires maturity.
Basically - do you think it'd be easier to let your wife parent your kids, even if you disagree with her, and talk it out if she doesn't something you disagree with; or do you think it'd be easier to just do your own, and talk to each other about deficiencies and where the individual kids are messing up?
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fris
Vyemm Raider
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great feedback, thanks.
1. cohabitation before marriage is an escape strategy on my part probably. I don't know if a prenup is a good way to start a marriage. I don't know how to balance her debt and my retirement savings appropriately
2. our kids have hung out a few times. her oldest and mine are both 16 year old boys. other than that, they're very opposite. skater boy vs wanna be jock / pretty boy. aside from saying whats up to each other, i don't see them 'hanging out' for any reason. the younger ones get along fine
3. i've been divorced for 8 years. aside from not getting laid enough, being single isn't that hard for me. she was put on this earth to be a wife. she's not full on trad-wife, she has a great career and solid income. we each have 50/50 custody, i flip every thursday while she's 223. so there's a more days we don't see each other than we do in a month, and she hates this. I don't think we're ready to sleep at each others place when there's kids in the house, but 'hanging out' when we have kids needs to start happening more often. If I don't reach out often on days we don't see each other, she can get moody to say the least. i've joked about sending our oldest off to military school, which they probably could use each for diff reasons, but no way could we wait ... 8 years before we lived with each other. I don't know if she's good w/ 2.5, and that's assuming both oldest actually move out after high school. i'm pushing mine to college, her oldest doesn't want to.
I didn't really think hard on this part, but i assumed a 'my house my rules' sort of thing, where she and I have the same rules. I might not primary direct her kids, but I would expect her to tell my kids to clean up after themselves, etc. "honey, your kid is starting a fire in the kitchen" isn't something I'd do lol
1. cohabitation before marriage is an escape strategy on my part probably. I don't know if a prenup is a good way to start a marriage. I don't know how to balance her debt and my retirement savings appropriately
2. our kids have hung out a few times. her oldest and mine are both 16 year old boys. other than that, they're very opposite. skater boy vs wanna be jock / pretty boy. aside from saying whats up to each other, i don't see them 'hanging out' for any reason. the younger ones get along fine
3. i've been divorced for 8 years. aside from not getting laid enough, being single isn't that hard for me. she was put on this earth to be a wife. she's not full on trad-wife, she has a great career and solid income. we each have 50/50 custody, i flip every thursday while she's 223. so there's a more days we don't see each other than we do in a month, and she hates this. I don't think we're ready to sleep at each others place when there's kids in the house, but 'hanging out' when we have kids needs to start happening more often. If I don't reach out often on days we don't see each other, she can get moody to say the least. i've joked about sending our oldest off to military school, which they probably could use each for diff reasons, but no way could we wait ... 8 years before we lived with each other. I don't know if she's good w/ 2.5, and that's assuming both oldest actually move out after high school. i'm pushing mine to college, her oldest doesn't want to.
I didn't really think hard on this part, but i assumed a 'my house my rules' sort of thing, where she and I have the same rules. I might not primary direct her kids, but I would expect her to tell my kids to clean up after themselves, etc. "honey, your kid is starting a fire in the kitchen" isn't something I'd do lol
Sheriff Cad
scientia potentia est
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I know about 10 couples that are all blended families and every single one of them fights about this exact issue because either one parent is undermining the other in front of the (step or real) kids or one parent isn't addressing (whatever the issue is) with their kid and also won't allow the step parent to parent because it's "not their kids."
Obviously if people could get along and talk things out all the time, this thread wouldn't be 2000+ pages. But it is.
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Sheriff Cad
scientia potentia est
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Financially, my personal opinion, you either go all-in we are family now my money is your money (if you trust her to not bankrupt you), or you go prenup, I spend my money you spend yours, we talk about joint expenses route. Anything in the middle is a recipe for pain and argument.
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moonarchia
The Scientific Shitlord
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Sheriff Cad
scientia potentia est
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Thats good news. In my experience almost all marital issues are really communication issues, assuming both people are trying to make it work. When one or both parties aren't trying to make it work, nothing will help. Communication and effort are key.