When your wife says...

AngryGerbil

Poet Warrior
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When my wife says, "No no it's my turn, you've talked almost this whole time!"

Translation: She has been talking literally non stop for 30 minutes and I dared to speak for 60 consecutive seconds.
 
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Phazael

Confirmed Beta Shitlord, Fat Bastard
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"Can I say something now?"
Translation: You are just about to crush my argument into the dust and I really need to deflect the conversation to something else I can irritate you with.

"Do you want to do X?"
Translation: I want you to do this task for me and pretend its something you enjoy and decided to do yourself.

"What time do you want to get there? What time do I need to be ready?"
Translation: Tell me a time I can intentionally blow past and give me an estimate of when you think I actually need to start getting ready so we can have a two hour argument about what an asshole you are for accusing me of being slow to get out the door.

"What do you want to do tonight after work?"
Translation: You better use mental telepathy to guess what plans I have made for you to do or else we will also have a dumb argument in addition to doing a bunch of shit you hate.

"Come watch a movie with me."
Translation: Put down your phone/tablet/book and watch some dumb shit you hate in silence while I text all night.

"I am not mad at you. I am mad at X"
Translation: I want to bitch at someone for an hour and you are the only other person around, so have a shit sandwitch.

"Let me finish telling you about this problem and stop interrupting."
Translation: I do not want any actual solutions to my problems at work/family/ect, I just want to use you as an emotional tampon for the next few hours while you sit in silence and your sanity slowly slips away.

"I wish you could be more like X's husband."
Translation: X's wife and I talk mad shit about you guys behind your backs and he is listening to this same demeaning bullshit right now from his wife.

"I had no idea where you were and I was worried when you did not respond to my phone calls or texts."
Translation: I am pissed you did not reply instantly so I could interrupt your fun, but also expect you to disregard this conversation when I do the exact same thing later.
 
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Sanrith Descartes

Veteran of a thousand threadban wars
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"Come watch a movie with me."
Translation: Put down your phone/tablet/book and watch some dumb shit you hate in silence while I text all night.

This. Facebooking on one's phone constantly is not watching something on the TV. Yet, if I want to change it to something she doesn't want to watch I get "I don't want to watch that".

Facepalm.gif
 
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Furry

WoW Office
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The dinner argument is the worst just because of how tedious it always is. I'm a vacuum cleaner that eats anything and literally never objects to any food, yet for some reason I need to list off places just to have them rejected one by one. We just went there, we always go there, I don't feel like that, too expensive, too cheap, I don't like there salad ... Bitch I don't care what we eat, just pick something. I'll never forget the time it ended up being red lobster and she bought a fucking burger and said it wasn't good.
 
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Hoss

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How to translate the things your wife says. For example:

When she says "I just saved you a ton of money".

What she means is "I just bought shit we dont need and you told me not to buy but I got it on sale".

That one always reminds me of the I love Lucy bit where Lucy is buying new appliances from a door to door salesman. She tells him in the beginning that they have no money so he keeps telling her how much she saves on each item. So she buys everything and then at the end she tells him to let her know when she's saved enough to pay for it all because they still have no money.
 
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Falstaff

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You are a noob husband if you get up before she is actually out the door. Relax and when you hear the garage door going up, you can safely get your wallet, phone, put your shoes on and still be getting in the car before she’s ready.

yep. So many times my wife gets all exasperated when we’re supposed to leave in 10 minutes and I’m still sitting around in shorts and a T-shirt. Now I just give her the Tommy Lee Jones reading the newspaper look and she shuts up.
 

Deathwing

<Bronze Donator>
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The three women, not you Mist, on this forum should start a thread for the stupid shit men do. Would be fun to see the differences. Or similarities.

I don't have anything (lighthearted) to add. At least, I couldn't think of anything after trying for 5 minutes. Will report back the next time my wife does something again.
 
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Koushirou

Log Wizard
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I pretty much get the same dinner shit that you guys do. I'll ask him what he wants to do for dinner, and in response I get "well, what are you thinking?" The whole damn reason I'm asking is because I'm not thinking about it and don't want to think about it because I have 0 preference. But then, when I'm cooking at home, I'll have meals prepped and stuff purchased for it to be consumed in a particular order. He'll ask me what's for dinner, I tell him, and then I get a pouty face because he wants something else. Any time we eat out at a restaurant, he always wants whatever form of wings they have to split as an appetizer. Wings are fine, and all, but every fucking time, he wants wings.

Other than that, just money and the bed. The fucking bed. He hates the top sheet, so I sleep with the top sheet folded in half and just sitting on my side of the bed and TBH it kind of just sucks because it doesn't cover me well. But during the night, anytime he rolls over or changes position, he spools the comforter around his legs, so eventually I'm left with none at all. He also somehow rotates the comforter, so when I come to bed there's usually just a small corner of comforter available to me instead of a side. It's petty and minor overall, but goddamn it drives me batshit.

Probably some other shit I can't think of until it happens again, but overall I can't complain. I'm sure there's plenty for him to bitch at me about (my temper being the biggest).
 
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AngryGerbil

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I pretty much get the same dinner shit that you guys do. I'll ask him what he wants to do for dinner, and in response I get "well, what are you thinking?" The whole damn reason I'm asking is because I'm not thinking about it and don't want to think about it because I have 0 preference. But then, when I'm cooking at home, I'll have meals prepped and stuff purchased for it to be consumed in a particular order. He'll ask me what's for dinner, I tell him, and then I get a pouty face because he wants something else. Any time we eat out at a restaurant, he always wants whatever form of wings they have to split as an appetizer. Wings are fine, and all, but every fucking time, he wants wings.

Other than that, just money and the bed. The fucking bed. He hates the top sheet, so I sleep with the top sheet folded in half and just sitting on my side of the bed and TBH it kind of just sucks because it doesn't cover me well. But during the night, anytime he rolls over or changes position, he spools the comforter around his legs, so eventually I'm left with none at all. He also somehow rotates the comforter, so when I come to bed there's usually just a small corner of comforter available to me instead of a side. It's petty and minor overall, but goddamn it drives me batshit.

Probably some other shit I can't think of until it happens again, but overall I can't complain. I'm sure there's plenty for him to bitch at me about (my temper being the biggest).

I love this post.

I absolutely do this shit to my wife.

As most men do, I love it when she just up and decides to cook dinner for no reason at all. I love it. She's a good cook and she has good instincts in the kitchen. She makes all sorts of weird fucked up shit that no one has ever heard of or ever will hear of, but at least she cooks it well and the ingredients somehow blend well. I gobble that stuff up and then dote on her for her kitchen prowess. I have no idea how she does it but I don't really care. She doesn't have recipes she just has 'concepts' but I'm not complaining because almost all of her 'concepts' are pretty damn tasty.

Until she makes turkey burgers. It is like her life's goal to force me into liking turkey burgers. And you know what? I fucking hate turkey burgers. They suck. Fuck a turkey burger.

I will get out the charcoal and grill good wholesome quality beef burgers for both of us, in the rain (we have a nice overhang that let's us do this), or in the cold or in the wind and both of us will affirm that it was a good dinner. We both love beef burgers. But is this enough? Oh no, we now have to convert to turkey burgers and we will get a divorce before I ever eat another one. They are so dry and so tasteless and so bland and so lifeless and so soulless that I refuse to ever eat another one. 10 was enough for my lifetime. I'm done.

That being said...

I know I steal the covers all the time. I can't help it I do it in my sleep. I am a tosser and a turner. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I probably flip from left to right like 15 times a night. In the course of doing this, without meaning to, I tend to gather all the covers up and steal them from her slowly over the course of time. Then she'll wake me up, usually around 4am, and demand that we 'reset'. This means I have to lay flat on my back without moving a muscle while she reorders the covers to her satisfaction. Then I fall back asleep and by the time the alarms go off at 7 or 8, I have all the covers again.

I know it makes me a complete asshole of a man to have to live with, but I legitimately do not know how to fix it. We've even talked about it. But the problem is that all of it is unconscious. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose.... unlike her fucking turkey burgers!
 

Hateyou

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Turkey burgers really do suck. I’ve never had a good one, it just makes me really disappointed I’m not eating a real burger. I gave up on them at least 5 or more years ago. Terrible.
 

Koushirou

Log Wizard
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Honestly I think the top sheet pisses me off more than the covers. But yeah, we’re also trying to be good and quite a while back switched from ground beef to ground turkey for everything. Was his idea, though, and I don’t mind. I make sure to spice the shit out of it, though, especially when making burgers from scratch. I will say I’m not a great cook and I’m doing my best, but he always eats that shit up and tells me it was a good dinner.

He did do some more irksome shit right after my other post, though, and does this all the time. I’ll be focused watching a video online and it’s very obvious I’m trying to listen to whatever’s going on, headphones fully on, etc. He’ll start talking to me and showing me some random ass shit that I really don’t care about but he wants me to look at it, so I glance, say “that’s cool” or whatever and go back to what I was doing. So because I wasn’t interested in it, he gives me the whole “what’s wrong?” spiel. Nothings wrong, I’m just trying to watch my shit and you keep interrupting. Am I the asshole on this one?
 

Gavinmad

Mr. Poopybutthole
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ground turkey is fine as a substitute for beef in most things, but fuck turkey burgers.
 

Deathwing

<Bronze Donator>
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It's the duty of all spouses to feign at least passing interest in their partner's shitty memes.

I'd rather rather eat fewer beef burgers to balance out the health benefits than eat turkey burgers.
 

Xarpolis

Life's a Dream
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Honestly I think the top sheet pisses me off more than the covers. But yeah, we’re also trying to be good and quite a while back switched from ground beef to ground turkey for everything. Was his idea, though, and I don’t mind. I make sure to spice the shit out of it, though, especially when making burgers from scratch. I will say I’m not a great cook and I’m doing my best, but he always eats that shit up and tells me it was a good dinner.

He did do some more irksome shit right after my other post, though, and does this all the time. I’ll be focused watching a video online and it’s very obvious I’m trying to listen to whatever’s going on, headphones fully on, etc. He’ll start talking to me and showing me some random ass shit that I really don’t care about but he wants me to look at it, so I glance, say “that’s cool” or whatever and go back to what I was doing. So because I wasn’t interested in it, he gives me the whole “what’s wrong?” spiel. Nothings wrong, I’m just trying to watch my shit and you keep interrupting. Am I the asshole on this one?
I use the top sheet (and that's it, fuck blankets). My wife only uses like 60 lbs of fleece blankets. She sleeps on top of the sheet with all her blankets and I sleep under it (or with it pulled down (like this / ) on my side of the bed while she sleeps above it. I hate when she moves around and it slides down, because then it's under her and I'm fucked for readjusting it unless I wake her up. Oh well, I do plenty of shit that I know annoys her.
 

latheboy

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My wife...

I think we should do X in the backyard... Can you lift the heavy thing so I can finish it?
 
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latheboy

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New porno fire pit area..

received_345141393497974.jpeg


Don't get me wrong... She shits me up the wall too
 
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Sludig

Silver Baronet of the Realm
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I love this post.

I absolutely do this shit to my wife.

As most men do, I love it when she just up and decides to cook dinner for no reason at all. I love it. She's a good cook and she has good instincts in the kitchen. She makes all sorts of weird fucked up shit that no one has ever heard of or ever will hear of, but at least she cooks it well and the ingredients somehow blend well. I gobble that stuff up and then dote on her for her kitchen prowess. I have no idea how she does it but I don't really care. She doesn't have recipes she just has 'concepts' but I'm not complaining because almost all of her 'concepts' are pretty damn tasty.

Until she makes turkey burgers. It is like her life's goal to force me into liking turkey burgers. And you know what? I fucking hate turkey burgers. They suck. Fuck a turkey burger.

I will get out the charcoal and grill good wholesome quality beef burgers for both of us, in the rain (we have a nice overhang that let's us do this), or in the cold or in the wind and both of us will affirm that it was a good dinner. We both love beef burgers. But is this enough? Oh no, we now have to convert to turkey burgers and we will get a divorce before I ever eat another one. They are so dry and so tasteless and so bland and so lifeless and so soulless that I refuse to ever eat another one. 10 was enough for my lifetime. I'm done.

That being said...

I know I steal the covers all the time. I can't help it I do it in my sleep. I am a tosser and a turner. I wish I wasn't, but I am. I probably flip from left to right like 15 times a night. In the course of doing this, without meaning to, I tend to gather all the covers up and steal them from her slowly over the course of time. Then she'll wake me up, usually around 4am, and demand that we 'reset'. This means I have to lay flat on my back without moving a muscle while she reorders the covers to her satisfaction. Then I fall back asleep and by the time the alarms go off at 7 or 8, I have all the covers again.

I know it makes me a complete asshole of a man to have to live with, but I legitimately do not know how to fix it. We've even talked about it. But the problem is that all of it is unconscious. It's not like I'm doing it on purpose.... unlike her fucking turkey burgers!


2 sets of comforters. I'm fortunate that my wife somehow overheats at night, so even in winter she usually has a sheet and we run a fan for noise. Meanwhile I get cold and even during summer I typically have a full comforter on me.
 
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Chukzombi

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2 sets of comforters. I'm fortunate that my wife somehow overheats at night, so even in winter she usually has a sheet and we run a fan for noise. Meanwhile I get cold and even during summer I typically have a full comforter on me.
yeah i get overheated too. when i was a kid my mom would tuck all the covers under the mattress and it would get so stifling hot that i would wake up in a sweat. i started making my own bed for that reason. now i use a light comforter all year and still have a fan cuz i like the white noise and the air in the room to circulate. i rather be frozen than smothered.