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As it turns out, I have not yet murdered anyone with an axe. So apparently my parents should be proud. One of my oldest is on scholarship for the soccer team. They're doing conditioning training right now and she's gasping. I'm going down to run with them Monday just for shits and giggles. I...

I prefer handjobs and cuddles.

I know, it's a lot of kids. I can provide for them. And they seem to be turning out to not be ax murderers. So maybe good?

I have as many kids as I wanted. Then I got fixed. We did fuck a lot, though.

Guys, my two oldest are out of the house and at college. I'm in a little bit of shock. My youngest is starting middle school, and the middle two are both driving. How the fuck did this happen?

No, you should consider letting her peg you.

Should probably just get a girlfriend to get even.

Maybe you should!

Over the last couple of weeks they repaved almost every road around me with the stupid loose gravel on hot tar method. Makes riding just awful. There's about 2 miles in every direction that now has loose gravel roads before I can get anywhere. I am dissapoint.

I miss hockey.

First cousin is absolutely okay if we're playing by West Virginia standards. But is it gay pleasure if it's your adopted first cousin who *identifies* as female?

It already is if you know where to look. To vampires, almost all channels are food channels.

One of the great ironies in life is that the mullet was likely invented to *prevent* necks from getting red.

I wish you lots of luck, patching textured walls/ceilings sucks the balls of a goat.

Ziploc earns a significant amount of money from drug dealers.

Depends, does your bidet shoot scalding coffee?

True. If you can live with this:

If we invented a pill that would make you immortal, someone would choke on it and die.

Sandpaper toilet seats are for pussies.

A coffin is a dead tree carrying a dead person.

I'm contemplating textured beds.

I've got to ask, why the hell would you choose to texture your walls and/or ceiling? That shit is going to age badly, is not possible to patch and make look right if ever anything happens, and it's a pain in the ass to paint? I have never understood why anyone would do this. Can you tell me...

My wife and I do butt stuff every once in a while. Mostly it just hurts for her, so I don't find it exciting. Sometimes we both get in the right mood to do it. Periodically we both stick a butt plug in before sex, and that's kind of fun. Especially the vibrating ones.

That explains a number of things...